Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Showering in America II

We’ve already discussed showering in America and how it can be an adventure.  Today we’ll talk about something a little more controversial: Peeing in the shower.  Now I’m not saying you should pee in the shower, and I’m definitely not saying you should pee in my shower.  What I am saying is that there are two kinds of people in the world; people that pee in the shower and people that lie about peeing in the shower.

Oh sure some will tell you that when they have to pee they turn the water off, dry off (so-as not to get the floor all wet,) and then they finally go pee?  Bullshit!  I call shenanigans.  Who’s got time for all that crap?  When I gotta go, I gotta go.  
I have to pee just looking at this picture.
Only God can judge me.
 I’ve heard people say, “I go before I get in!”  Like that matters?  Who can resist peeing with all that water noise?  I also often drink beer in the shower.  I mean you might as well; the stuff goes through you so quick. It’s nice to just piss it right out, and not run to the bathroom or wash your hands or any of that other crap.  Plus it’s a great feeling knowing your life has progressed to the point where you can drink beer wherever you damn well please.  Without society fucking judging you.

It is especially unbelievable that people don’t pee in the college dorm showers.  Who wants to go parading around the bathroom in a towel?  And sometimes there were even girls in the men’s bathroom (see earlier post.)  Plus not peeing in the dorm shower was a missed opportunity.  You see, all three shower stalls shared the same drain.  So if you took the far stall and peed, then your pee would travel through the other guys’ showers and they’d be none the wiser.  Get it?!?!  Hilarious.
Scene of the crime.
Sometimes when you’re taking a shower your wife will come in to fix her hair or something, seeing as the bathroom is where all her beauty products are kept.  So she’s putting her face on by the sink and you’re sitting in the shower relaxing and you hear the call of nature.  The only problem is that you had asparagus last night with dinner so it fucking reeks.

Just a bit of advice: if she asks what that smell is don’t tell her you peed in the shower or you will be scrubbing the tub for the rest of your natural life.  Instead tell her you farted.  As everyone knows showers are the absolute worst places in the world to fart.  The curtain traps the smell in and the steam cooks the stench and makes it hot, which is worse for some reason.  It has been said by men far smarter than me that the only good thing about shower farts is that you can you them to cover up an asparagus pee incident.  Use this advice wisely.

Some environmentalists (fucking hippies) encourage people to pee in the shower to save water, like they ever take a shower.  Zing!  Also peeing in the shower can prevent athletes foot if you pee on your feet,  which I don’t.   That’s fucking gross.    
It's okay to piss on Pennywise

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