Friday, December 17, 2010

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Big Flats 1901 Premium American Lager

If you don't feel like reading the whole review you can check out the video version here.
I know what you’re thinking, “Oh look at Mr. Rockstar with his fancy schmantzty Premium American Lager.  You use premium gas too?  Hey all us regular people fill our cars with unleaded or maybe midgrade on our birthdays.  Premium?  You must be related to the Pope or something.”

Big Flats in its natural habitat
Fear not ladies and gentlemen, I’m no sell-out.  Danny is still a man of the people.  I to was given pause when I saw the “Premium” printed on the label, even if it did cost $2.99 a six pack at the local Walgreens.  I assumed, quite correctly, that the “Premium” on the label was kind of like when High Life calls itself the champagne of beers.  The can also takes pains to call itself a “lager beer” and assure us that it’s “brewed from only the choicest hops.”  All this pomp and circumstance for three bucks a six pack at Walgreens.  The beer wasn’t even in the cooler, it was just piled in the middle of the store.    

Beer companies like to tout their rich history.  Pabst Blue Ribbon gets its namesake from winning “best beer in the world” in 1893.  Budweiser still has horses for some fucking reason.  Big Flats says 1901, this would seem to imply that the beer has been around since 1901.  This would be a goddamned lie.  Near as I can tell Big Flats is just the new Walgreens brand beer. It’s hard to say for sure though; they don’t even have a website.  Jesus, I have a website. 

Notice the lack of color. Also, not my kitchen.
As for the taste, well the can says “it’s the water that makes it.”  This is an apt description as it smells like water and tastes like water with a turd floating in it.  I’ve never drank the water that comes up the drain when the sink backs up, but I think I can now hazard a guess what it tastes like.  Okay, I’m being a little harsh.  I mean it’s not like I poured it down the drain.  I bought a six pack and I’m going to finish it.  It actually goes down pretty smooth, but it’s got a poo aftertaste similar to the one you get with Bud Select or MGD.  Honestly, it’s been a while since I had either of those beers, but I think the poo taste was worse with Big Flats.  The stuff is not good, but it was really cheap and convenient.  

And that's the bottom line: price and convenience.  In the Chicagoland area there’s a Walgreens on every block,  so if you have 3.50 in your pocket you’re never more than half a block away from a six pack of beer.  I like those odds.  It could be worse; there could be a picture of Hitler on the can.
Maybe a little too convenient.  Save some for the rest of us!

Beer Name Game
Here’s how the domestic beer name game works:
1. If you’re under the age of 30 use the word “Old” if you’re over 30 use the word “Olde”  If you are exactly 30 use the word “ol’.”
2. Take the first letter of your last name and find a town in Wisconsin with the same first letter. (unless your last name begins with M, Q,U, X, Y or Z then you just use Milwaukee.) Adding an apostrophe “S” is entirely optional.  See list blow:

A- Arcadia
B- Boscobel
C- Commonwealth
D- Deerfield
E- Eau Galle
F- Fort Winnebago
G- Germania
H- Helvetia
I- Ixonia
J- Jamestown
K- Kewaskum
L- La Follette
M- Milwaukee
N- Nelson
O- Ojibwa
P- Polar
Q- Milwaukee
R- Rhinelander
S- Sheboygan
T- Tomahawk
U- Milwaukee
V- Vinland
W- Wausaukee
Y Milwaukee
Z- Milwaukee

3.  Take the first letter or your first name and apply it to the chart below

A- Stone
B- Mountain
C- River
D- Stream
E- Original
F- Lager
G- Big
H- Flats
I- Lake
J- Ice
K- Special
L- National
M- Point
N- Natural
O- Export
P- Falls
Q- Genuine
R- Draft
S- Best
T- Own
U- Lite
V- Light
W- Plains
X- Forest
Y- Ale
Z- Fields

4.  Take your age and add it to 1850.

I’m 27 so I got “Old.”  My last name starts with an “O” so I took Ojibwa and my first name starts with a “D” so I got stream.  Old Ojibwa Stream 1877.  Wow, I could really go for a cold ’77 right now.

Katy Perry would be Old Polar Special 1876.

And Eazy-E would be Olde Eau Galle Original 1887
Katy Perry loves the beer name game!
Note: You have to click on the picture to get her tits to bounce. 

UPDATE 1-22-2013

Video Version: