Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Bud Light Lime-A-Rita

"What is Bud Light Lime-A-Rita you assk?"

Bud Light Lime-A-Rita, is quite possibly the stupidest named “beer” I’ve reviewed so far and that’s saying a lot.  Most reviews of Bud Light Lime-A-Rita I’ve sifted through so far treat it like an actual beer.  They talk of “head retention,” “nose,” and other things serious beer reviewers talk about when referring to things like foam and smell.  The earlier quotation marks around the word beer were no accident; if there’s any beer in this stuff I can’t taste it.  This makes me sad.  I certainly wouldn’t have bought the stuff if it didn’t say “Bud Light” on the damned box, but I think it’s a waste of my time and yours to pretend Bud Light Lime-A-Rita is anything other than what it is, so what is it?

I spent many a "Couples Skate" hiding in the bathroom
It is first and foremost sugary.  At the Oak Lawn Roller Rink they used to sell a drink called a “Smurf” which was uncut Sno-Cone syrup served on the rocks.  I personally never had the money for a Lime flavored Smurf, but I can now hazard a guess what it tasted like.  This stuff is too sweet, and that’s coming from someone that used to literally eat Pixie Stix and Mountain Dew for lunch.  (In case you’re wondering I stopped eating Pixie Stix by the bag when I was 19 years old and my dentist told me I had the mouth of a middle aged man.)  If on the other hand you find circus peanuts and candy corn tart Bud Light Lime-A-Rita might be right up your alley, and my hat goes off to you.  I used to think people that drank malt beverages like Mike’s Hard, Smirnoff Ice, and BLLaR were pussies that couldn’t handle beer, but if they can deal with the heartburn and diabetes brought on by their drink(s) of choice they’re a lot tougher than me.
Tougher than Sarah Connor

The can suggests, nay commands, that I try Bud Light Lime-A-Rita over ice, and just to let you know that they’re fucking serious they wrote it in all caps and added an exclamation point.  Keep your shirt on, asshole.  The ice certainly helps but it’s still feels like gingivitis in a can.  This stuff is 8% ABV, but I made a command decision and added 2oz of tequila to the 8oz can.  It’s pretty good now, still a little sweet, but now it tastes more like a real margarita and less like I’m snorting pure cane sugar through a Twizzler.  It probably tastes closer to a can of Mountain Dew mixed with tequila than a real margarita, but it’s a step in the right direction.  (Must try mixing Mountain Dew with tequila.) 
Now I know why they chose a drunken hillbilly as their mascot

The can refers to BLLaR as a “margarita with a twist.”  A twist of what exactly?  Less alcohol?  8%ABV is pretty high when it comes to beer, but not mixed drinks, at least the way I drink them.  Of course, my testicles have descended.  The can also says “Bud Light," which is even more curious than their demand that I “TRY IT WITH ICE!”  The can says “Bud” even though it contains seemingly no beer, and says “Light” despite the fact that an 8oz can contains 220 calories.  Bud Light only has 110 calories in a 12oz can, which means that the ‘Rita is double the calories of a regular Bud Light in a can that’s a third smaller.  I’m not great with math, but I think that means drinking even a moderate amount of Bud Light Lime-A-Rita will make you fucking fat.  I would say that the “BL” in BLLaR is disingenuous to say the least.
"Too much Bud Light Lime-A-Rita."

Years ago, I saw Crispin Glover’s Willard remake in the theater.  At the end of the film a patron in front of me complained that it was the “worst movie ever.”  To which I countered that he “must have seen a different movie than me.  I saw the one about a guy with an army of rats.”  That’s what the preview said the movie was about and on that promise the film certainly delivered.  Bud Light Lime-A-Rita is a beer-less, lime flavored, sugar rush in a can, which I should have seen coming when I bought the stuff.  My bad.  The only things I can really take them to task for are the high price (12.99 for 12 8oz cans WTF?) and the astronomically high calorie content in their “light” drink.  Oh well, time to buy a singlet and start lifting weights to burn off those extra Cal-o-ritas.
Sumthin' for the ladies.  In case you're wondering I'm the black guy in the middle.

And sumthin' for the guys...
Laura Elena Harring was in Willard. Hubbah Hubbah! 

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Favotie Video Games: The Warriors (PS2) 2005

Warriors come out to play-eee-ay!

Can you count suckers?  I say the future is ours if you can count, and if you can count you might have noticed that the only movies I reference more than The Warriors on this blog are Star Wars and Conan the Barbarian.  I’m not alone either; The Warriors is probably the second most sampled movie in hip-hop after Scarface, and every black dude I know has seen the movie.  This is probably due to the fact that The Warriors is fucking awesome.  It’s one of those movies that all cool people seem to like.  Rockstar games also saw fit to pay homage to the classic film with the 2005 video game aptly titled The Warriors.  Can you dig it?  CAN YOU DIG IT?!  CAN YOU DIG IT?!?  Well, I certainly hope so cause that’s what the rest of this blog post is about.
FUN FACT: All black people are cool.
What about Steve Urkel?
Fuck Steve Urkel.

The Warriors (PS2) 2005

The Warriors videogame obviously takes a lot of its cues from the film, but the gameplay is rooted in the side scolling beat ‘em ups of yesteryear; games like Final Fight, Streets of Rage, and Streets of Rage 2.  The game’s plot takes place before the events of the film, with the movie acting as a sort of an extended final level broken into different chapters.  The whole thing still feels very unified and captures the look and tone of the film perfectly.  The game is dark and violent, but like the film it never feels brutal or nihilistic.  Both take a more comic book-y approach.  People get stabbed, shot, and Molotov cockatailed, but hardly anyone actually dies.  I do remember however that when I was playing the game my mother took issue with the game’s liberal use of f-bombs (people saying FUCK), but she watched Deadwood all the time.  Oh, “that’s how cowboys really talked.”  Well that’s how gang members would really talk in a videogame version of a dystopian future as imagined in the late 1970’s.  Geez mom.    
A girl portraying the character Poison from Final Fight. 
FUN FACT: The character Poison was retconned into a tranny after it was pointed out that Final Fight's protagonists were beating the shit out of women.
FUN FACT: This cosplayer is all woman, and boob.

It’s also one of the best two-player co-op games in the last decade.  Other than Portal 2 it seems that videogame developers have completely forgotten the importance of playing a videogame with your little brother.  You can kick his ass in Call of Duty or whatever but eventually he’s going to get tired of getting the shit kicked out of him and refuse to play with you, forcing you take turns.  Ughh!  It’s not my fault you suck at Doom 2.  What puts The Warriors co-op mode above even Portal 2 is the ability of the second player to join and leave the game at their convenience (kind of like in Sonic 2.)  This Feature is great if you’re anything like me and you have to go to the bathroom all the time.  Maybe I should see a doctor.
"Quit being such a bitch.  Where are you going?... Don't tell mom I said bitch."

I mentioned playing videogames with my younger brother because this game was an important bonding experience for us.  In between viewings of the movie we each beat the game a few times co-opting large segments of the other’s play-through.  I helped my brother 100% the game, and then a couple of years later we started playing the game again and on the hard difficulty we 99%ed the game on a single play-through, meaning we didn’t replay the levels over and over to hit the various goals.  We just played the level until we got them all without consulting a walkthrough.  It’s less nerdy than it sounds.  We just had a lot more free time back then. 
The Chief from Carmen Sandiego was the radio announcer in The Warrriors film.  Finding Carmen Sandiego may not help you reach 100% but it couldn't hurt.

I’ve played The Warriors about as thoroughly as it’s possible to play a game, and I can say without a doubt that it’s one of the best video games of all time.  If you like fun check out The Warriors, if you don’t maybe consider Russian Roulette.  Unfortunately PS2 games will not play on newer versions of the PS3, and the game has not been ported anywhere else that I’m aware of so it might be kind of hard.  Playing a video game from a few years ago might be hard but fortunately in America acquiring a gun is never hard, so there’s always Russian Roulette.  Those guys in Deer Hunter looked like they were having fun, right?
Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!

Congratulations! You've captured Carmen Sandiego.  If you didn't manage to beat the game in 1986 you should know that she just fucking escapes from jail again right after you catch her and the game starts over.  Good thing you learned your state capitols.