Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Bud Light Lime-A-Rita

"What is Bud Light Lime-A-Rita you assk?"

Bud Light Lime-A-Rita, is quite possibly the stupidest named “beer” I’ve reviewed so far and that’s saying a lot.  Most reviews of Bud Light Lime-A-Rita I’ve sifted through so far treat it like an actual beer.  They talk of “head retention,” “nose,” and other things serious beer reviewers talk about when referring to things like foam and smell.  The earlier quotation marks around the word beer were no accident; if there’s any beer in this stuff I can’t taste it.  This makes me sad.  I certainly wouldn’t have bought the stuff if it didn’t say “Bud Light” on the damned box, but I think it’s a waste of my time and yours to pretend Bud Light Lime-A-Rita is anything other than what it is, so what is it?

I spent many a "Couples Skate" hiding in the bathroom
It is first and foremost sugary.  At the Oak Lawn Roller Rink they used to sell a drink called a “Smurf” which was uncut Sno-Cone syrup served on the rocks.  I personally never had the money for a Lime flavored Smurf, but I can now hazard a guess what it tasted like.  This stuff is too sweet, and that’s coming from someone that used to literally eat Pixie Stix and Mountain Dew for lunch.  (In case you’re wondering I stopped eating Pixie Stix by the bag when I was 19 years old and my dentist told me I had the mouth of a middle aged man.)  If on the other hand you find circus peanuts and candy corn tart Bud Light Lime-A-Rita might be right up your alley, and my hat goes off to you.  I used to think people that drank malt beverages like Mike’s Hard, Smirnoff Ice, and BLLaR were pussies that couldn’t handle beer, but if they can deal with the heartburn and diabetes brought on by their drink(s) of choice they’re a lot tougher than me.
Tougher than Sarah Connor

The can suggests, nay commands, that I try Bud Light Lime-A-Rita over ice, and just to let you know that they’re fucking serious they wrote it in all caps and added an exclamation point.  Keep your shirt on, asshole.  The ice certainly helps but it’s still feels like gingivitis in a can.  This stuff is 8% ABV, but I made a command decision and added 2oz of tequila to the 8oz can.  It’s pretty good now, still a little sweet, but now it tastes more like a real margarita and less like I’m snorting pure cane sugar through a Twizzler.  It probably tastes closer to a can of Mountain Dew mixed with tequila than a real margarita, but it’s a step in the right direction.  (Must try mixing Mountain Dew with tequila.) 
Now I know why they chose a drunken hillbilly as their mascot

The can refers to BLLaR as a “margarita with a twist.”  A twist of what exactly?  Less alcohol?  8%ABV is pretty high when it comes to beer, but not mixed drinks, at least the way I drink them.  Of course, my testicles have descended.  The can also says “Bud Light," which is even more curious than their demand that I “TRY IT WITH ICE!”  The can says “Bud” even though it contains seemingly no beer, and says “Light” despite the fact that an 8oz can contains 220 calories.  Bud Light only has 110 calories in a 12oz can, which means that the ‘Rita is double the calories of a regular Bud Light in a can that’s a third smaller.  I’m not great with math, but I think that means drinking even a moderate amount of Bud Light Lime-A-Rita will make you fucking fat.  I would say that the “BL” in BLLaR is disingenuous to say the least.
"Too much Bud Light Lime-A-Rita."

Years ago, I saw Crispin Glover’s Willard remake in the theater.  At the end of the film a patron in front of me complained that it was the “worst movie ever.”  To which I countered that he “must have seen a different movie than me.  I saw the one about a guy with an army of rats.”  That’s what the preview said the movie was about and on that promise the film certainly delivered.  Bud Light Lime-A-Rita is a beer-less, lime flavored, sugar rush in a can, which I should have seen coming when I bought the stuff.  My bad.  The only things I can really take them to task for are the high price (12.99 for 12 8oz cans WTF?) and the astronomically high calorie content in their “light” drink.  Oh well, time to buy a singlet and start lifting weights to burn off those extra Cal-o-ritas.
Sumthin' for the ladies.  In case you're wondering I'm the black guy in the middle.

And sumthin' for the guys...
Laura Elena Harring was in Willard. Hubbah Hubbah! 

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