Friday, February 22, 2013

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Keystone Ice

In England they call popsicles "ice-lollies."  I don't know what they do if the popsicle is penis shaped  

Ice doesn’t seem to be as popular as it once was.  In the 90’s it seemed like everyone from the T-1000, to Simon Phoenix, to Boris “the Invincible” was getting frozen, not to mention the awesome freezethrower in Duke 3D.  It seems no small coincidence that ice beers took the country by storm during this same era.  Nowadays, for whatever reason, freezing dudes and the smashing them into like a million pieces has become a relic of the past, and coincidentally(?) so have ice beers, such as Keystone Ice.  I don’t know if the two phenomena are related or whatever, but if they’re still selling Keystone Ice I think it’s a point worth exploring.       

"None shall pass!"
Keystone Ice has a black color scheme, which I think gives it kind of an understated badass quality.  Usually if a beer is trying to seem a little “edgy” they go fucking overboard with it: rabid Grizzlies and gorillas with vampire fangs holding baseball bats wrapped in barbwire.  The absence of a braindead catchphrase was also a nice touch.  Beer cans usually say stupid shit like “slap it down” and “bone-grindin’.”  This nonsensical bullshit is usually accompanied by multiple exclamation points and underlines; as if R. Lee Ermey was screaming it in your face.  Keystone Ice is just all black, as if to say this has more alcohol than Keystone Light, which it does.
"DIGGING THE DOUBLE DOWN!!!"

Ice beers hold an odd place on the bottomshelf.  They aren’t as tasty as their thawed counterparts, while at the same time they lack the punch of malt liquor.  As a combination of the two, ice beers don’t manage to function like the porridge that was “just right” or half-Asian girls.  Ice beers are more like sporks; which is to say they’re completely fucking useless.  Sporks, like ice beers, do two jobs not well.  I don’t really get the appeal.  I love getting drunk, but I’ve never been in the mood to get drunk on two less beers than usual.  When it’s ice beer versus malt liquor and/or beer the other two will win every time, like Jesse Owens in the Berlin games.  That’s right I just called ice beer a bunch of Nazis.   
Olivia Munn; half-Asian

Gott in Himmel! As it turns out, Keystone Ice is pretty good for an ice beer.  It tastes pretty similar to Icehouse, with less of the harsh shit-mouth aftertaste.  It’s a bit too sweet for me but it’s almost palatable in small doses.   At 5.9% ABV Keystone Ice has almost 50% more alcohol than a standard Keystone Light, which is kind of the point right?  No one is drinking any form of Keystone for the taste.  If nothing else, at least with the ice version you won’t have to pee every 4 fucking seconds.  It’s not “getting a blowjob in sunglasses good;” actually it kind of sucks but if you like ice beer I think you’ll probably like Keystone Ice.    
Keystone Ice is presumably better than mixing Keystone Light and Smirnoff Ice, or course that's like saying something tastes better than mixing living termites and AIDS

I guess taste could be the reason ice beer isn’t as popular as it used to be, but that does little to explain why it was popular in the first place and does absolutely nothing to explain why ice as a whole has become less popular in mainstream culture.  The only thing I can come up with is Arnold Schwarzenegger’s portrayal of Mr. Freeze in 1997’s Batman and Robin.  Maybe everyone was just kind of “over” ice after that shitshow.  I know the answer isn’t global warming because that shit is boring and not funny.  You know what is funny?  Kangaroos.  Suck on that hippies, and if you like ice beer you might want to suck down some Keystone Ice.  I don’t want to, but you might.

"Ice to see you!"
P.S. remember the "Black Ice" Slurpee?  It was pretty good, but it turned the water greenish yellow whenever I took a dump, as if I'd swallowed a highlighter.  Also here's a picture of Vanilla Ice I couldn't fund a place for: