Thursday, August 25, 2011

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Old Style

Halle Berry is 45.  It's not that old, but if you're 45 and you don't look like her I bet you feel like shit right now

I’ve always been kind of hesitant to review Old Style, mostly because it’s one of the few bottomshelf beers that I really enjoy drinking.  You see, most bottomshelf beers fall into two categories: bad and not that bad.  Old Style fits into the tiny third category: cheap beers that I really like. After this review there’s one less beer for me to look forward to.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a cold twelver of Buck Range Light as much as the next idiot, but it’s not exactly my favorite beer in the history of beer.

Swing and a miss!
The other problem with reviewing Old Style is all the Cubbie shit.  Look, I try not to be a hater, but I’m a diehard White Sox fan and it’s embarrassing to be drinking “the official beer of the Chicago Cubs” when I’m watching the Sox game at a bar.  To make matters worse, during baseball season the bottles have a plastic label that covers the entire bottle and makes it look like a Chicago Cub’s baseball bat (interestingly enough it still has a normal bottle cap and not a cork.  Fuck you Sammy Sosa!)  To compound this problem the label is really hard to get off, even if you try to slice it with your keys.  When you finally do get it off you feel kind of cool, like bootlegger drinking out of an unlabeled bottle.  That feeling quickly fades when you realize that no one gives a shit that you peeled the label off and now you have a handful of shredded plastic in front of you on the bar.
I don't agree with your shirt, but will defend to the death your right to wear it exactly the way you're wearing it right now.

So why am I reviewing Old Style now?  Well for starters, most Cub fans I know are more annoyed with the team than I’ve ever been in my entire life, and with their season all but over I don’t feel like I’m betraying my team in any way.  More importantly, there was a coupon at my local grocery store for a five dollar rebate for every case of Old Style I bought.  After rebate that’s $8 a case which translates to 33 cents a can.  It’s like I won the beer lottery.  And what will I do with my newfound fortune?  Spoiler alert: Get drunk.  
"I've got a golden ticket."

Sweet home Chicago
Back when I was a kid Old Style was the biggest beer in Chicago, and at its height the G. Heileman Brewing Company was the third biggest brewer in America right behind Anheuser-Busch and Miller.  In 1991 the company was sold to Stroh’s and then Pabst .  When PBR took off with the hipster crowd, Pabst decided to relaunch Old Style.  As part of this process they changed the artwork on the can to some bullshit brick wall, which kind of sucks.  Old Style used to have a sweet wrap around graphic of Old-Timey folks making beer that had a frog hidden in the artwork.  They also changed the formula and “authentically kraeusened” the beer, which near as I can tell from the commercials has something to do with bad Improv:

Dipshit:  If I was going to kreausen the parking meters in Chicago I would make them talk like Ron Santo when you parked your car.

Retard:  If I was going to kreausen the parking meters in Chicago I would have them dispense deep dish pizza every time you put money in.
Waka! Waka! Waka!

Hilarious.  Typically the commercials are three or four “jokes” longer.  If that wasn’t bad enough they only have like two of those commercials on the air at a time, which means that during a single baseball game you’ll hear the same hackney bullshit 7 or 8 times.  Improv is at its best live and even then it’s usually more impressive than funny.  And since radio waves are transmitted into the infinity of space, you can’t help but worry that some alien race might hear that cromedy and blow up our fucking planet.

Hideki Matsui meet Matt Suhey
Bad Improv is to comedy what juvenile AIDS is to the human race, so if I can get past that Old Style must be pretty good.  It goes down smooth with just a hint of bitterness that lets you know it’s a real beer.  It’s got a lot of flavor for a bottomshelf beer, and for once that’s a good thing.  It completely lacks the cheap-beer-poo aftertaste, and while it doesn’t taste good warm it doesn’t become non-potable at 5 degrees above freezing.  It used to be sold in 30 packs, but those have gone the way of the white running back and barefoot kicker.  It’s now most commonly sold in 24 packs, but for some reason I can’t quite explain, I think it tastes better out of a tall boy.

I guess that’s one more good beer down, and very few left to go.  I’m kind of sad to be done reviewing Old Style already, but hey, it’s not every day you win the beer lottery.  Right now I’m like the Scrooge McDuck of cheap beer and I’m going to celebrate by swimming in beers.  Do yourself a favor and get some Old Style for yourself.   
Duck Tales! Waahoo-ooo!

They have a pretty good website.  They even let you “kreausen” your own personal webpage with annoying flash animations.

Lacrosse Lager uses the old Old Style recipe and is brewed in the old Old Style brewery.  If you didn’t win the beer lottery it’s usually cheaper than Old Style so you might want to check it out.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Big Flats 1901 Light

If there's something more American than a woman shooting fireworks out of her tits I don't want to hear about it

I first became aware of Big Flats 1901 Light at a 4th of July party I threw at my house.  Two of my buddies showed up with 2 six packs of Big Flats 1901.  Typically if someone brings Big Flats 1901 to your house it can only mean one thing: they think you slept with their wife.  Fortunately, my friends aren’t married, so I parsed together that they meant to drink the “beer” themselves.  I lost the urge to vomit and breathed a sigh of relief.  And then it happened: Brian laughingly explained that they almost accidentally bought Big Flats Light and my heart sank.

Click the pic for boob bounce-age
Well…fuck.  So it’s come to this.  If Big Flats 1901 Light exists I’m going to have to drink it.  Shit, I hate light beer and I really hated Big Flats 1901.  Big Flats 1901 Light sounds like you’re multiplying zeroes.  Goddamnit.  Ugh… No good can come of this.  Well, that’s not completely true; after all, my initial review of Big Flats 1901 was pretty successful.  It was the first post that got over 100 hits in a single day, and it had an awesome picture of Katy Perry and her massive melon-heavy breasts bouncing all over the place.  That wasn’t so bad, and more importantly, if this review can prevent even one person from drinking Big Flats 1901 Light it will all be worth it.

…Or maybe not.  My friends are well familiar with my blog, and they no doubt thought it would be funny to bring 12 cans of Big Flats 1901 to my house.  Sure enough, after the party my more expensive beers were nearly gone, but I still had 12 cans of Big Flats 1901.  Fucking jerks.  And now I have an additional six cans of Big Flats Light.  The cans look a bit updated, with a trademark symbol next to the year 1901, as though the Brewmaster’s Choice Company now owned the rights to the year 1901 and anything that happened therein (e.g. the Royal Navy launching its first submarine, Bully!)  The can now includes a website:  If you go to the website you might think Big Flats 1901 Light actually reads Big Flats 1998 Light because the website looks like a fucking geocities page.  Perhaps they did marketing research and found that most BFL drinkers still use a 56K modem.  The only thing missing was some stolen gifs from other websites and a screed about how anarchy would totally work if people just like ya’ know loved each other.

Big Flats 1901 Light smells like nothing.  It’s as odorless as iocane powder.  However, unlike iocane powder Big Flats Light is neither Australian or tasteless.  Oh and it looks like pee.  In fact I’ve set up a little test:
I had asparagus with dinner it fucking reeked

Now one jar is filled with urine and the other is full of Big Flats Light.  Which will you choose?

Hint: All you have to do is divine from what you know of me: am I the sort of man who would put the urine into my own jar or my enemy’s?

(Scroll down for answer)

If you chose A or B I hope you spent the last few years building up an immunity to the taste of urine because you just got a mouth full of the stuff.  INCONCEIVABLE!  If you chose to instead drink the can of BFL next to the jars of pee you have chosen wisely, I guess.  When compared to urine Big Flats Light is certainly marginally better.  It tastes like regular Big Flats mixed with seltzer water, which means that overall there’s less of that horrible disgusting Big Flats flavor, but it’s still there.  According to the Big Flats official website BFL has .3.9% ABV.  As you may have already noticed, the company’s official website has plenty of numbers with two decimal points.  I’m not a math major or anything but that doesn’t make goddamned sense.  You could chalk it up to a series of typos; except for the fact that the site also claims that Big Flats Light contains only 0.96 calories.  To put that number in perspective, Miller Lite has 96 calories and Keystone Light weighs in at 103.  I think their website is full of shit.  Nothing with so few calories could taste so shitty.
Katy Perry's finger on the other hand, apparently tastes great (click for the animation)

I’d be wary of any beer with such a crappy website, more to the point I’d be wary of any beer in the Big Flats family.  If you have to choose one I’d probably go with BFL, but that’s not saying much.  My taste buds hope this will be the last of that shit I ever have to drink, but knowing my friends that’s asking way too much.  

One more thing, speaking of big and flat is there anything in the world sadder than a fat girl with small tits?
To answer my own question: No.  So let's put that out of our minds with a picture of a skinny girl with big tits