Sunday, August 7, 2011

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Big Flats 1901 Light

If there's something more American than a woman shooting fireworks out of her tits I don't want to hear about it

I first became aware of Big Flats 1901 Light at a 4th of July party I threw at my house.  Two of my buddies showed up with 2 six packs of Big Flats 1901.  Typically if someone brings Big Flats 1901 to your house it can only mean one thing: they think you slept with their wife.  Fortunately, my friends aren’t married, so I parsed together that they meant to drink the “beer” themselves.  I lost the urge to vomit and breathed a sigh of relief.  And then it happened: Brian laughingly explained that they almost accidentally bought Big Flats Light and my heart sank.

Click the pic for boob bounce-age
Well…fuck.  So it’s come to this.  If Big Flats 1901 Light exists I’m going to have to drink it.  Shit, I hate light beer and I really hated Big Flats 1901.  Big Flats 1901 Light sounds like you’re multiplying zeroes.  Goddamnit.  Ugh… No good can come of this.  Well, that’s not completely true; after all, my initial review of Big Flats 1901 was pretty successful.  It was the first post that got over 100 hits in a single day, and it had an awesome picture of Katy Perry and her massive melon-heavy breasts bouncing all over the place.  That wasn’t so bad, and more importantly, if this review can prevent even one person from drinking Big Flats 1901 Light it will all be worth it.

…Or maybe not.  My friends are well familiar with my blog, and they no doubt thought it would be funny to bring 12 cans of Big Flats 1901 to my house.  Sure enough, after the party my more expensive beers were nearly gone, but I still had 12 cans of Big Flats 1901.  Fucking jerks.  And now I have an additional six cans of Big Flats Light.  The cans look a bit updated, with a trademark symbol next to the year 1901, as though the Brewmaster’s Choice Company now owned the rights to the year 1901 and anything that happened therein (e.g. the Royal Navy launching its first submarine, Bully!)  The can now includes a website:  If you go to the website you might think Big Flats 1901 Light actually reads Big Flats 1998 Light because the website looks like a fucking geocities page.  Perhaps they did marketing research and found that most BFL drinkers still use a 56K modem.  The only thing missing was some stolen gifs from other websites and a screed about how anarchy would totally work if people just like ya’ know loved each other.

Big Flats 1901 Light smells like nothing.  It’s as odorless as iocane powder.  However, unlike iocane powder Big Flats Light is neither Australian or tasteless.  Oh and it looks like pee.  In fact I’ve set up a little test:
I had asparagus with dinner it fucking reeked

Now one jar is filled with urine and the other is full of Big Flats Light.  Which will you choose?

Hint: All you have to do is divine from what you know of me: am I the sort of man who would put the urine into my own jar or my enemy’s?

(Scroll down for answer)

If you chose A or B I hope you spent the last few years building up an immunity to the taste of urine because you just got a mouth full of the stuff.  INCONCEIVABLE!  If you chose to instead drink the can of BFL next to the jars of pee you have chosen wisely, I guess.  When compared to urine Big Flats Light is certainly marginally better.  It tastes like regular Big Flats mixed with seltzer water, which means that overall there’s less of that horrible disgusting Big Flats flavor, but it’s still there.  According to the Big Flats official website BFL has .3.9% ABV.  As you may have already noticed, the company’s official website has plenty of numbers with two decimal points.  I’m not a math major or anything but that doesn’t make goddamned sense.  You could chalk it up to a series of typos; except for the fact that the site also claims that Big Flats Light contains only 0.96 calories.  To put that number in perspective, Miller Lite has 96 calories and Keystone Light weighs in at 103.  I think their website is full of shit.  Nothing with so few calories could taste so shitty.
Katy Perry's finger on the other hand, apparently tastes great (click for the animation)

I’d be wary of any beer with such a crappy website, more to the point I’d be wary of any beer in the Big Flats family.  If you have to choose one I’d probably go with BFL, but that’s not saying much.  My taste buds hope this will be the last of that shit I ever have to drink, but knowing my friends that’s asking way too much.  

One more thing, speaking of big and flat is there anything in the world sadder than a fat girl with small tits?
To answer my own question: No.  So let's put that out of our minds with a picture of a skinny girl with big tits


  1. the end reminds me of this song

  2. Katy Perry is fucking ugly (fugly.) You have shit taste in women, and you are easily influenced by the Jew media. Try harder.