When I hear the word “Keystone” the first thing that comes to mind is Keystone Kapers, one of my all time favorite games for the Atari. Unfortunately, despite the game’s popularity and inherit awesomeness, it’s never really entered the pantheon of “classics” like Ms. Pac-Man or even Yar’s Revenge. It’s also unfortunate that the second thing I think about when I hear the word “Keystone” is Keystone Light, a beer I can’t stand. The third thing I think of is Pennsylvania, “the Keystone State,” but that seems kind of irrelevant to this article.
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Keystone Light is sold in a 30 pack also known as a “30 stone” or “30 rock.” Last time I was at the grocery store I was caught in the unfortunate circumstance of being almost out of beer, with a looming deadline. I saw an ad for Keystone Light and knew what I had to do. It was kind of like when Mad Max had to kill that retard in Thunderdome. I wasn’t happy with my situation, but if I didn’t purchase some Keystone Tina Turner would metaphorically kick me out of Barter Town. If that metaphor doesn’t make sense, let’s just say it’s one less retard (shitty beer) I gotta worry about in the future.
Calling Keystone Light retarded sums up my feelings pretty well. Lots of people have something they won’t drink anymore because of one time when they had a really bad experience. I’ve never had that problem (see previous post) with anything I’ve ever drank; however I’ve had plenty of bad experiences with people that drink Keystone Light. In college everyone drank cheap beer. My friends and I tended to drink a lot of King Cobra and Miller High Life. On the other side of the coin, idiot “Dude-bro’s” (guys that say dude and bro a lot) tended to drink a lot of Keystone Light. To this day I can’t think of Keystone Light without thinking of douchebag sexual degenerates and rap metal.
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Admittedly, I'm being pretty prejudiced and a little unfair; however Keystone Light has done little to distance themselves from my stereotype. Their official website looks like a ripoff of College Humor or Funny or Die. I say this mostly because all of the material is pretty much taken directly from the aforementioned websites, and laid out very poorly. Based on their website and facebook page it seems they are trying to appeal to college kids and “go viral.” That’s not a problem I guess, except for one thing: Keith Stone.
Keith Stone is the mascot or spokesman or whatever for Keystone Light and I fucking hate him. Just look at his guy:
|Note the trucker hat, leather vest, stupid facial hair, vaguely retro t-shirt, and dumb expression.|
In short, he looks like a fucking asshole. He looks like a combination of a frat boy and a goddamn hillbilly. I assume that’s look they’re going for; they want to appeal to retards in college while not alienating their hardcore redneck (Indiana) fanbase. For this reason I have decided that he’s my new arch enemy, which is perfect timing: my old arch enemy, Brett Favre, having recently been defeated. In case you’re wondering, Brett Favre was defeated when I found out that he had a really small penis. No woman is going to want to have sex with you after you send her a picture of your tiny dong. (I on the other hand can’t get enough pictures of tiny dicks, so next time you get out of the pool take a picture and hit me up!)
|What a waste of precious cans! Somewhere a homeless man is crying.|
Keystone makes a big deal about how smooth their beer is, and I must confess it is “always smooth” like the can says. It’s about as flavorless as it gets, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. As I pointed out with Buck Range Light: it’s better that a beer taste like water than a hot turd. In fact, Keystone Light tastes pretty similar to Buck Range Light, or I guess Buck Range Light tastes like Keystone. After all, Keystone came out a decade earlier and certainly outsells Buck Range Light, but I reviewed Buck Range first so go fuck yourself.
I guess I’m trying to say that once you get past the retarded frat boy douche-baggery it’s not that bad. All in all it hasn’t been too bad of an experience this time around. I made a new arch nemesis, and I got to drink beer and play Keystone Kapers. I do have to pee a lot though. Keystone is only 4.2% alcohol, so I’ve been slamming them all night. I guess that’s just one of the downsides to Keystone Light, the other notable downside being that people in my community saw me purchase Keystone Light. I bet they’re going to put me on some sort of sexual predator list. Oh well, it’s not the first time and it certainly won’t be the last. Anyone know how much an ice-cream truck costs?
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