Monday, March 28, 2011

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Lacrosse Lager

If you ask someone to describe me, they usually say, “Paul Newman crossed with Robert Redford… oh, and he likes to drink.”  Suffice it to say, my devilish good looks and love of cheap beer is widely known. So for me, it’s nothing short of a tragedy when I see how expensive bottomshelf beer has gotten.  30 packs of Olde Style have gone the way of the dodo, and 30 packs of good ol’ Pabst Blue Ribbon have gotten increasingly expensive and harder to find.  The only thing more tragic than that, is when someone tells me I look nothing like Paul Newman (hey idiots, we both have blue eyes.)  As the saying I just made up goes, “from the greatest tragedies come the greatest achievements.”  If we didn’t have World War I we wouldn’t have had World War II, and if we didn’t have World War II, what would we make first person shooters about?   I guess my point is, if PBR and Olde Style hadn’t gotten more expensive I never would have discovered Lacrosse Lager: the final frontier in 30 packs.
Speaking of final frontier, here's Start Trek: the Movie's Zoe Saldana
Hello ladies.
 Why do 30 packs rule so hard?  Well for starters, when you get done drinking the beer you can put the box on your head like it’s some kind of crazy beer mask.  I suppose, you could just dump the full cans of beer out and then put the box on your head, but I’m not your mother so you can make your own damn decisions.  If you go the second route, I suggest cutting a mouth hole so you can drink your tasty beer without taking your mask off.  Trust me; ladies love a guy with a creepy cardboard mask.  Actually, I’m not so sure about that, but at least you can have sex with a fat chick and keep your identity secret.  The only thing you’d still have to worry about is someone seeing you put on your cardboard face shield, thus blowing your cover.  I suggest dealing with this one of two ways: either put the mask on in the bathroom and emerge like some kind of grotesque Super Man or spray people indiscriminately with pepper spray and then put your mask on.  Hey, don’t look at me.  You’re the one that’s resorting to violence just to have sex with some fat girl.  Jesus dude, she doesn’t even have big tits.
Congrats dude...I'm sure she has a great personality
Kari Byron is here to explain beer math

 If you can believe it, there’s something about thirty packs even cooler than the sweet helmet you can make (shocking, I know.)  And that’s the extra beer.  Some basic math will tell you that if a typical case has  24 beers and a thirty pack has 30 beers, then a 30 pack has five six more beers than a regular case.  It’s like you’re getting an entire six-pack for free.  How do they get away with this?  One of my friends said that they divide the cost of the six extra beers among the other 24 cans, so you don’t even notice.  But that doesn’t make sense, 30 packs have more beer and they still tend to be cheaper than their 24 pack cousins.  Who’s laughing now science?
Sceince! Industry! Technology!

 “30 packs are great” you say, “but what makes Lacrosse better than say, Special Export?”  Well, there’s 99 reasons and a bitch ain’t one.  And by “a bitch” I mean “the number of cans.”  And by “cans” I mean “cans of beer.”  (If you didn't follow all that, they both come in 30 packs.) Lacrosse is good stuff, but what is Lacrosse?  Most people define Lacrosse as “a game I know nothing about.”  If you look up Lacrosse Lager in the beer name game the beer’s namesake could also refer to Argentinean-born Fernando Lamas.  Cool, I guess?   And according to the Lacrosse Tribune, in 1934 the Lacrosse Lagers were an amateur football team that played (and got their assed kicked by) the Chicago Bears.  If you try to solve the mystery on the beer’s official website you’ll come up empty.  Most of their website is about how clean and state-of-the-art their brewery is, without so much as a mention of what beers they brew.  You have to admit that’s a pretty unconventional marketing approach.  The website does mention that the brewery is located in Lacrosse Wisconsin, which I GUESS is probably the reason for the name, that or Fernando Lamas, you be the judge.
I wanted to sex up the article with a picture of women's lacrosse, but the results were fug.  This is from an ad for foxy boxing. 

As for the flavor, this stuff is tasty.  How tasty?  Tasty enough to get a C+ from those highfalutin assholes at beeradvocate.  It might not sound impressive, but on that website most domestic brews tend to hover around the D- range.  According to the can, Lacrosse is “fully kraeusened” and “double brewed with pure artesian water.” I’m not sure that that means, but I believe them.  It has a full bodied flavor, with a slight hint of sweetness, without any of the poo taste you get with most cheap beer.  Over the years, I drank a ton of this stuff and I’ve never gotten a headache.  I got an upset stomach one time, but that was my bachelor party; and in all honestly I had it coming.  During my research I read somewhere that Lacrosse is brewed with the Old Olde Style recipe, from back when Olde Style was the number one beer in Chicago.  I don’t know if that’s true or not.  It tastes kind of similar to the new Olde Style, but I think Lacrosse tastes considerably better.  Anyway, Lacrosse doesn’t have a bunch of stupid, asinine, unfunny, “fully kraeusened,” Improv commercials, and that’s more than enough for me to give Lacrosse the leg up on Olde Style.
Pic of the van rented on my bachelor party.  Note: there is something on the door, and it isn't oatmeal.

Lacrosse is cheap, tasty, and comes in a ready-made cardboard beer mask.  Perfect, right?  Well, almost.  Before you buy yourself a cool 30 pack of Lacrosse ask yourself a few simple questions.  Do you have an “ironic” mustache?  Do you own a Yo La Tango album?  Are you now or have you ever been a member of Yo La Tango?  If you answered yes to any of those questions I am begging you, in the name of all that is Holy not to buy Lacrosse Lager.  You hipster assholes ruined Pabst and Olde Style.  Let me keep this.  If you are a hipster and you must drink Lacrosse, at least do me a favor and don’t tell any of your retro-shirted idiot friends about it.   
Fuck you Rivers Cuomo.  Mustaches used to be a sign that someone was into Cameros and cigarettes.  You and your kind ruin everything.  Nice shirt and hoodie combo, makes you look 20 years younger.  Pinkerton was overrated.
Would you like to know more?  Lacrosse Wisconsin has the highest ratio of bars per square mile in the country.  51,000 drunken hillbillies can't be wrong.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

50 Ways to Kill a Werewolf.

Everyone agrees werewolves are a big problem, but what does one do to kill a werewolf?  I thought I'd shed some light on the situation.  Most of these methods come from my own research, and have been field tested by me personally.  I also consulted with the experts (idiots) in Big Dog Eat Child: Jim, Jason, Pedro, Skaj, and Steve Witkus.  My wife Elyse also told me a few of her own methods she's used to kill werewolves in the past..

1. Cook some delicious bacon so the werewolf smells it and gets really hungry.  Then flush it down the toilet so the werewolf will flush himself down the toilet to get the bacon.

2 Living Well

3. Take the werewolf to a screening of Inception, he will become confused and ask a bunch of questions, prompting other theater patrons to kill him.

4. Get the bad guy from Teen Wolf.
5. Send him to Detroit.

6. Inject him with diabetes.

7. Wait for him at Trader Vic’s with a shotgun full of silver buckshot.
Werewolves of London often have Chinese menu's in their hands, also they consort with this hot chick.
8. Tie a chicken bone to a baby.  When the werewolf eats the baby he will choke to death.

9. Kick him in the nards. Wolfman’s got nards.

10. Invent a werewolf killing robot.

11. Give him a wolfsbane filled condom.

12. Show him Van Helsing so he dies of boredom.
Kate Beckinsale couldn't save that piece of shit movie
13. Ask him if he’s the result of a dude having sex with a wolf.  When he denies it, get louder and more insistent.  He will die of embarrassment.

14. Give him a dog collar that was made in China.

15. Rub some cocoa butter on his rock hard muscles, and uh…strangle him?
Sumthin' for the ladies, and definitely not me
16. Cut the break lines in the Werewolf-mobile.

17. Give him some collectible Star Wars glasses from Burger King with lead paint.
I really wish these were my glasses.
18. Get him to fall in love with you, and then act emotionally distant.  When he finally confronts you about it say you’ve met someone else, so he dies of a broken heart.

19. Give him silver dollars for his birthday.

20. Go back in time and kill his werewolfmother.

21. Tell him he looks fat in those jeans (only works on gay werewolves.)

22. Get him really into Sylvia Plath and leave him alone in a room containing only an oven.

23. Kindness.  Kill him with kindness.

24. Ask him if he wants a silver bullet.  When he says “no,” laugh in his face to make him feel stupid.  Then open a Coors Light.  When he gets embarrassed and says he changed his mind shoot him in the face.
This shirt sucks. I can't even read it.
25. Convince him to play truth or dare with a group of teenage alpha-females.  His self-esteem will never recover.

26. Plate Tectonics.

27. Letting him play two armies but beating him at Risk anyway

28. Silverplated gold bullets.
At least he didn't use Prox-mines.
29. Start a civil rights movement for werewolves, that leads to a case in the Supreme Court.  Invite the werewolf to give testimony in the Supreme Court building.  As he walks in the door, it turns out not to be the supreme court building at all, but a cage full of French fur trappers. Sac re bleu!

30. Another bigger werewolf.
Heed the words of Taysir, truer words were never spoken.
31. Karate kicks to the neck.

32. Replace his heartworm medicine with Bit O Honey’s.  Even if he doesn’t die, he still had to eat that disgusting candy.

33. Tell some Fomori where he lives.
Hello nerds
34. Feed him chocolate so he gets diarrhea.

35. Shave him so he just looks like an ugly dude instead of a werewolf.  He will kill himself.

36. Get a gang of werecats to beat the shit out of him.
All the images for "werecat" were goddamned furry fan art, so here's the chick from Teen Wolf in her underwear.
37. Have the werewolf ride on the back of your motorcycle without a helmet on.

38. Hire Boba Fett to kill the werewolf.

39. Give yourself AIDS and have sex with the werewolf.

40. Take him to Mardi Gras so he gets alcohol poisoning.

41. Counterspell.
See number 30.
42. Sign him onto the Ark Music Project Label (it'll kill his career, at least).
43. Jago.
Video games are sweet.
44. Invent a disease that only kills werewolves, and then drink a beer.  You’ve earned it buddy!

45. Cut him out of the Special Edition.
Poor Lak Sivrak

46. Rent a bus and put a sign on it that says “Free Werewolf Shuttle.”  Then, when the bus is full of werewolves, run it over with a monster truck. This SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY!

47. Make him role a critical failure.
See number 33. Also D30's are useless.

48. Replace his beer with a can of molten silver.

49. Ask if he like the full moon, and when he says yes show him your butt.  If that doesn’t kill him, just run away really fast.

50. Show him how lame werewolves are on World of Warcraft and give him the address to Blizzard studios.  That'll keep him busy while you save up for a silver baseball bat.
It's a lot less cool than this looks.
 Happy hunting! Well until next time kiddies, here's a picture of the Shewolf herself Shakira:

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Steel Reserve

What is “the Riddle of Steel?”  According to the documentary Conan the Barbarian, if you don’t know the answer Crom will cast you out of Valhalla and laugh at you.  Sucks to be you.  To discover the Riddle of Steel we will be drinking one of the worst beers imaginable: Steel Reserve.

 My most vivid memory of drinking Steel Reserve in the past was at the apartment of Ramiro Castro Jr.  I remember being anxious to try some after hearing about the high alcohol content, so I stopped and bought some at the 7-11 on the way to hang out with the bros Castro and Brian Skaj.  I don’t remember all the details of the night but I remember that we played risk till 4 AM and the night ended with me vomiting all the Steel Reserve I drank into the toilet whilst Ramiro stood by the open door laughing his fucking ass off.  In fairness to Ramiro, it was pretty funny.  Painful, but funny nonetheless; kind of like getting kicked in the crotch.  Anyway, I returned the favor a couple of years later after he had a few too many pitchers of Olde Style.
Welcom to Loserville. Population: You

Steel Reserve unlike most beers or other malt liquors is a whopping 8.1% alcohol.  For comparison’s sake Miller Lite is 4.2% and Olde English is 5.9%.  It’s cheap as hell too, costing only $1.19 a tall boy.  Steel Reserve is also available in a six-pack or 40oz bottle.  I chose to go with the tall boy, because it was cheaper than the other two, and it meant I had to drink less Steel Reserve.  I went into this review with mixed emotions, on one hand I would have to drink Steel Reserve; on the other hand, after this review is posted, I will never have to drink Steel Reserve again for the rest of my life. 
To lighten the mood, here's Cassie Steele's tits.
Big Ben drunk; about to rape these girls
 The can says that Steel Reserve is made by the Steel Brewing Company, but I did a little research and it’s really just made by Miller.  I guess they were afraid that marketing a “high gravity malt lager” towards homeless people and base degenerates would sully the Miller name.  If they are really concerned with their image they should pull that commercial with the fat dude in a speedo  The can also has a giant 211 on it, which they claim is a “medieval symbol for steel,” but I’ve never seen it used that way anywhere else (and I went to college.)  It’s more likely a reference to the police code for robbery, which gives you an idea of what kind of scum this shit is marketed towards.  The perfect Steel Reserve pitchman would be Ben Roethlisberger.  He’s a STEELer, a serial rapist, and he lives in a boxcar.  
I know nothing about this chick, but I guarantee she'd be down for anything.

I guarantee this tastes better than SR
As for the flavor, Steel Reserve is an apt name because it tastes like metal. Although, personally I think it tastes more like copper than steel.  The metallic taste is a clear indication that they made this shit on the cheap.  Cheaper beers, (anything you’ll read about on this blog) use things like corn, rice and sugar to save money in the brewing process.  It’s true that you can make corn into delicious Kentucky Bourbon, but that only after you filter it, distill it and let it age in an oak barrel.   Corn, fermented on its own tastes like shit and it’s full of poison, not coincidentally Steel Reserve tastes like shit with poison in it.  It tastes really bad cold, and as my tallboy warmed up it became gag inducing.   

I remember reading that during the prohibition era they would brew non-alcoholic beer legally, and then after they sold it to a bar, the owners would typically inject it with moonshine.  Steel Reserve tastes like someone did that.  It’s disgusting. It’s not Gameday bad, but nothing is.  In fact, before I had Gameday Ice I always thought Steel Reserve was the worst beer of all time.  Now I know better, but Steel Reserve sucks.  I don’t recommend it for anyone, except Ben Roethlisberger, because fuck that guy.
"Let it sit in the sewers for awhile.  Then the Steel Reserve will be ready."
 But what is the Riddle of Steel?  According to Thulsa Doom, “steel isn’t strong…flesh is stronger…That is power: the strength and power of flesh. What is steel compared to the hand that wields it?”  But, Thulsa Doom is not to be trusted, and he is wrong.  Sometimes you’re stronger than Steel Reserve, and sometimes you end up tossing your dinner into the toilet while your asshole friend laughs at you.  Contemplate this on the tree of woe.

Conan rules

Would you like to know more?

Check out their website.  Considering Steel Reserve’s base demographic of glue sniffers and dudes that live in refrigerator boxes, it’s surprising that Steel Reserve has a website.  It should be noted, that the website looks like my geocites page I made in high school, and has literally the same amount of information as the can.  There’s not even a crappy flash game.

Would you like to know more?

Greatest band ever.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Advice for teens

Time to learn

I’ll be the first to admit I don’t know everything; until recently I thought that retardation was the result of women coupling with demons.  Now I know it’s really just fetal alcohol syndrome.  Every year Rolling Stone asks famous people what advice they have for the graduating high school seniors that year.  It’s always a bunch of trite nonsense like, “stay true to yourself.”  With this in mind I sat down to give the youth of today some practical advice.  I’m not a genius, but I guarantee I’m at least as qualified as Rivers Cuomo.
Hang it up already, your 41 goddamned years old.  You look ridiculous.

Safety first, even the mighty Chewbacca wears eye protection
Pop the hood:  As a teenager you probably drive a piece of shit car that dies all the time.  Even if you don’t drive a crappy car, your friends probably do.  When you’re driving with a girl and the car dies, pop the hood and pull out a screwdriver from the glove box.  Insist that your Uncle is a mechanic.  Go outside and check the oil level.  If everything seems on the up and up, root around for a while, maybe call the person you know that knows the most about cars.  If the problem isn’t the oil level or anything someone can figure out over the phone it’s A-OK.  At least you made the effort.  She will be impressed with your chivalry and offer to sleep with you.  P.S. You should probably learn to change a tire and jump a dead battery as those skills will certainly come in handy, and it’s easy as shit and women generally can’t do it.

Watch football:  I didn’t really get into sports until college.  Now, I live and die with the White Sox and Chicago Bears.  I’ve found that sports, particularly football, is the easiest thing in the world to make small talk about with other guys.  Even if the other guy likes the goddamned Vikings I can usually find common ground talking about their offseason moves, running backs, Fran Tarkenton, etc.  Before I got into sports I had to rely on other people being into Star Wars, Iron Maiden, or Magic the Gathering.  The pool of people that includes isn’t as big as one might think. 

If you just can’t get into sports, I suggest taking up smoking.  All cool people smoke; furthermore nowadays you have to smoke outside.  It’s become kind of a secret club.  You can’t bitch about your boss inside the office, but outside it’s anything goes.  Speaking of secret clubs…

Join the pen15 club:  The Pen15 club most exclusive powerful club in the country.  It’s kind of like the Freemasons crossed with the Illuminati crossed with Jews.  That being said, it’s super easy to join.  All you have to do is write Pen15 in all capitals letters on your hand or forehead.  You might want to use a permanent marker to show other members that you’re hardcore.
Actual meeting of the Pen15 Club.

The hole in the popcorn trick: A classic, and with good reason.  Next time you bring a girl to the movies take a minute and cut a hole in the popcorn bucket and slide your erect penis through the hole.  Then we she goes to get a handful of popcorn she’ll feel your rock hard member and realize that you’re one masculine dude and get super turned on.  Now you know why Orville Redenbacher was always smiling.

Werewolves are scary:  Everyone’s afraid of werewolves.  If you’re having trouble with a bully show them a picture of a werewolf, it will totally scare the shit out of them.  Better yet, turn into a werewolf, then you could just fucking eat them.  Then go to Trader Vic’s, you deserve it!
Another cool game for cool dudes.
"Wanna play Magic?"
 Ghost Hunters sucks:  I guess it’s not really advice, I mean, you shouldn’t watch the show.  It’s really boring.  The whole show is a couple of nerds listening to tapes of static and being like, ”Did you hear that?”  Then they play the same bit of static over again and say, ”It sounds like someone saying ‘help me.”  Then they play it one more time, and congratulations you’ve just lost five minutes of your life you’ll never get back.

Have sex with as many girls as possible:  This goes double for the ladies.  A lot of the “advice” on the list is just a joke, but I want to make it very clear that I am serious about this.  You have a very short period of time in life between when you become sexually active and when it becomes socially unacceptable (illegal) to have sex with high school girls.  Do it as much as you possibly can.
I couldn't be more serious
 If you have a snake for a penis, keep it to yourself:  Some people are born with an actual living snake where their junk ought to be.  This terrifies most people, including myself.  For the love of God feed it in private.  No one wants to see your penis eat a mouse or small rabbit.  If you ever want to get laid you’re going to either need to find a chick that really likes snakes or really hates herself.  The second type of girl is much easier to find.
I assume this advice applies to King Hiss