Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Arnold Schwarzenegger Top 10 Part I

Prepare to fucking die!

When I grew up, the biggest movie star in the world was Arnold Schwarzenegger.  How big?  So big spellcheck knows how to spell his last name, which is good because I sure as shit don’t.  Recently, Arnie has been in the news for having sex with a really really weird looking woman.  Gross, I know, but it’s times like this I think it’s important to remember why we liked Schwarzenegger so much in the first place.  To that end I’ve put together a list of the top ten Schwarzenegger movies of all time, which puts them high in the running for the top ten movies of all time.

10. Commando

Alyssa Milano plays his daughter
Compared to the other movies on this list Commando isn’t that good, but it deserves a place on the list if only because it’s such a prototypical 80’s action movie.  It’s the kind of movie where they have a shootout in a mall just because it increases potential for violence exponentially.  One of my favorite parts is right in the beginning when you see Arnold carrying a tree.  Seriously, a fucking tree. Right away you can tell he’s stronger than any human ever.  In general the plot is just okay, but my biggest gripe with this movie is the arch villain: a chubby Australian in a chainmail shirt. I mean, what the fuck?  Are we supposed to believe he’d be any match for a man we earlier saw carrying a tree?  And why is he wearing a chainmail shirt?  Was he worried about crossbows or did his mom just drive him home from the Ren-faire?  The world may never know.
"I'm here for the gay po- I mean action movie."

9. Eraser

Vanessa Williams
This was the last good Schwarzenegger movie, and as such it deserves a special place on the list.  After this one Arnie started crapping out turd salads like Collateral Damage and Teminator 3.  This one has Vanessa “not the porn star” Williams as a black chick that needs to be Erased after she finds out something about guns that see through walls.  I rented this when it came out, and probably watched it 6 times within the span of my rental.  In retrospect, I guess I wasn’t as popular in Junior High as I remember.  Eraser was made in what I call the CGI dead zone: after studios abandoned conventional effects but before CGI stopped looking like absolute shit.  Most of the effects in Eraser hold up pretty well, but the scene with the crocodiles is laughably stupid looking and comes off about as real as the alligator dance scene in Fantasia.  Still, sweet movie and James Caan is the bad guy.
"You call that a Crocodile? This is a crocodile."

8.  Conan the Destroyer        

"Holy Diver you've been down too long in the midnight sea..."
Ronnie James Dio did not do the soundtrack to this movie, which is unfortunate.  Every scene from this movie looks like it should be painted on the side of a conversion van.  Unfortunately this movie is also rated PG.  Conan is all about decapitating people and having sex with women (not necessarily in that order,) and the absence of those two things is a little sad.  Another major problem with the movie is Conan’s sidekick Malak.  Like all comic relief in a movie aimed at 12 year-olds, he’s fucking stupid and annoying and no one thinks he’s funny.  He Scrappy-Doos the shit out of this movie.  All that being said, this movie is still heavy metal as shit, boner-ific and fun that the whole family can enjoy.
I looked up the female lead for Conan, and a picture of Olivia Munn kissing another girl came up.  I don't think the blond is the same chick from the movie, but I no longer give a flying fuck.

7.  The Running Man  

Clap if you love Dynamo
Probably the most underrated Schwarzenegger movie on this list.  It’s tempting to put this movie higher on the list to compensate for that fact, but I happen to take my lists very seriously.  Anyway, I hate it when people like the AFI try to educate you and declare “Some Like it Hot” the funniest movie of all time on a list that doesn’t even mention Porky’s.  In The Running Man, Arnold is accused of a crime he didn’t commit, and is forced to fight for his life on a game show.  If that doesn’t get your juices flowing (if you know what I mean, ladies) you should know that the game show consists of Richard Dawson and boss fights.  Arnold is helped by a nerd, a black guy, and a hot chick as he kills a bunch of dudes as gruesomely as possible.  It’s even better than it sounds, and thinking about it now I’m tempted to jump it higher on the list.  There’s only one thing holding me back…

6. Predator

"They took the whole Cherokee Nation..."
I would be remiss if I didn’t give Predator at least the 6 spot.  As it stands, I know I’m going to chap a few saddles putting it this far down the list, but it’s my list an if you don’t like it you can make your own list…I guess.  In this movie Arnold teams up with a bunch of stereotypes which includes Jesse Ventura, an Injun, Carl Weathers, and the funniest man in the world who tells the funniest jokes in the history of comedy.   They travel to some godforsaken shit-hole in South America to fight an invisible alien that skins people alive.  The plot is simple, direct, and full of steroids.  You can practically feel you tits getting bigger when you watch this movie.  Your penis would also shrink from the steroids but I guarantee you will have a boner throughout your entire viewing experience.  Everything about this movie is awesome.  I have never met anyone that didn’t like this movie, but if I ever did I would kill them without even thinking about it, because fuck those people.

Part II coming soon…   If you have questions or comments about the list so far leave a comment or hit me up on facebook.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Coqui 900

This picture showed up in the google image search for "Coqui 900" not sure how it's related.  Oh well.  Hubba Hubba!

A few weeks ago I ended up in a liquor store in the ghetto.  For reasons I will enumerate in short order I did not wish to drive to the ghetto again anytime soon, and since I was already there I decided to stock up on malt liquors they don’t sell in white neighborhoods.  The most curiously named beverage I found was a 40oz bottle labeled Coqui 900.  Clearly we weren’t in suburbia anymore.
What an odd looking bottle of beer

 I ended up in the ghetto after the Chicago Bulls had clinched a playoff berth.  In tribute I decided to drink some Schlitz Malt Liquor (see previous post.)  This proved more challenging than I originally assumed.  I went to the seediest looking liquor stores in my area, the ones that smell funny with cult member looking dudes behind the register, and l came up empty.  I live by a few trailer parks and some shitty apartments, but not shitty enough apparently.  I had to drive a half hour to find what I was looking for.

Walking into the liquor store I felt a little uneasy.  I kind of stood out.  I was probably the only person in the store without a Scarface tattoo, and aside from my White Sox hat I don’t look very gangster.  Fortunately, everyone inside was very friendly and polite.  Super polite, a lot nicer than that cult leader guy by my house.  I bought a wide selection of malt liquors and started walking back to my car.  When I got to the parking lot I noticed a guy selling crack right behind my car.  I wondered for a second if I should I ask him to move so I can pull out.  Then I remembered the time a crackhead threatened to “fucking kill” me over $5, and decided to wait and let him move of his own accord.     
This dick owns the liquor store by my house, he wants to throw me an "Egyptian Feast," whatever that means

Right around the moment I noticed the crack dealer my wife called me on the phone.  This wouldn’t have been a big deal, but my ringtone is Supertramp’s “Goodbye Stranger.”  Not exactly the most masculine song in the world.  I’m not exactly looking to intimidate someone with my ringtone, but a bunch of dudes singing in falsetto just kind of screams, “Beat the shit out of me.”  True to form, my wife wanted to have a long conversation.  I got off the phone as quickly as I could, got in my car and got the hell out of there.  I wanted to take a picture of the place on my way out, but I didn’t think the drug dealer would take too kindly to having his picture taken.
Gangsta Gangsta

My favorite Puerto Rican: Rosario Dawson
As for the spoils of my journey, Coqui 900 was pretty good cold; nothing exceptional about the flavor, good or bad.  As it got warmer the cheapness and aftertaste got more pronounced.  It has kind of a fried chicken aftertaste; not in the sense that it tastes like chicken.  The aftertaste is more akin to the same aftertaste you get after you eat a bucket of chicken, without the joy that comes from eating copious amounts of chicken.  Not surprisingly it didn’t sit that well and I felt kind of sick when I got to the bottom of the bottle.  It’s far from the worst malt liquor (ahem, Steel Reserve) but it’s certainly not very good.  I speak fluent French and it’s worth noting that Coqui is a French term for several species of small frogs indigenous to Puerto Rico.  Coqui 900 is an apt name because it tastes like 900 tiny frogs just had anal sex in your beer.  It is also worth noting that if you start shouting in German French people will do whatever you say.

I told you about my adventure, and Coqui 900 is serviceable but not very good.  I think that about wraps it up.  Oh shit, I almost forgot, Coqui 900 also comes in a 45oz bottle!  I think I speak for everyone when I say, “Holy shit!”   That’s 5oz bigger than your standard 40!  What will they think of next?  Coqui might not be that good, but if you can find a 45oz bottle I guarantee that it will be 5oz better than every other malt liquor you come across, and that’s saying something.  I’m not sure what, but it's something.  On the other hand, if I was saying, “Essen Sie deinen Schwanze!” I'm sure every Frenchman within earshot would eat his own penis.   On that note I’m going to bed.  
And we'll close on a little more Rosario Dawson and her hot jugs

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Budweiser Chelada

A wise man once said, "she looks better in clothes than most women do naked."

According to Wikipedia, Cinco de Mayo represents the “fifth of May.”  I know you college types scoff and turn your noses up at Wikipedia, but I translated Cinco de Mayo on google and it all checks out.  Put that in your this is not a pipes and smoke it (most pretentious joke in the history of my blog.)  I always thought Cinco de Mayo commemorated some sort of revolution and the assassination of General Mapache by Ernest Borgnine and William Holden.  Whatever the case may be, Cinco de Mayo is a holiday I celebrate every year by putting on a sombrero and get shitfaced.  This year, I’ll be trying out Budweiser Chelada.

Salma Hayek is shocked by my keen insights
To regular followers of my blog it may seem ironic that despite my dedication to finding pictures of  hot babes vaguely related to whatever shitty beer I’m writing about, I refuse to do even a cursory search into the so-called  “true meaning” of Cinco de Mayo.  I have however bought a beer marketed towards Mexican Americans, and as I sip it down I have determined that drinking is the true meaning of Cinco de Mayo.  Think about it, turning an ethnic holiday into an interethnic drinking holiday is the greatest sign of acceptance our country can show.  It wasn’t too long ago that everyone hated Indians, and now we all celebrate Thanksgiving.  As a sign of racial tolerance (and not alcoholism) I have personally gotten drunk on Boxing Day, Purim, MLK day, and Australian Labour Day.  I will admit that I wasn’t specifically celebrating every single holiday I just named, but I got drunk on all of those holidays so it’s a start. 
A few years ago, celebrating the Feast of St. Patrick

I chose Budweiser Chelada for my Cinco de Mayo celebration because the display at the store had one of those weird upside down exclamation points.  At first I thought it was just a giant lowercase “i” but that would be stupid.  An inverted exclamation point is a sure sign of Spanishness or at least a clear sign that something is being marketed towards Spanish speaking people.  A closer inspection of the can confirmed my suspicion, like a flea-market marital-aid, it was mostly in Spanish with English added only as an afterthought.  Christ, Corona bottles are in English.  I speak about as much Spanish as the Terminator, but I was able to figure out that Chelada is a mixture of Budweiser and Clamato.

Los Bulls are on in the background.
To most people that sounds kind of disgusting, not to mention counter-intuitive.  Why would someone market a strange concoction?  Well it turns out that similar drinks are popular across Latin America.  Personally, I love bloody marys.  They’re tasty and socially acceptable to drink before noon.  Needless to say I was kind of excited about trying another tomato drink with booze in it.  Chelada is 5% alcohol so it might not have as much alcohol as a Dan-style double bloody mary, but it’s certainly not as wimpy as Keystone Light’s 4.2%.  The can also boasts that Chelada contains salt and lime la combinacion perfecta.

Is it perfecta?  Well after my first sip I was inclined to say “hell yes,” but as I worked my way down the 24 oz can I was more inclined to say “not really.”  It tasted kind of like a carbonated bloody mary with chili powder, a whole tallboy of the stuff was a bit much.  Granted I can suck down bloody marys like there’s no tomorrow, and the only thing that stops me from drinking 4 in a row is how much work goes into mixing each one.  I think that’s part of the problem.  The whole time I was drinking Chelada I kept thinking it would have been better served over ice with a squirt of fresh lime, some hot sauce, and black pepper. 
A mini-van?  What the fuck?

On its own, Chelada was okay, but with a little bit of extras I think it could have been better.  Unfortunately, I had a hard deadline of May 5th this week and only bought myself one tallboy.  Fortunately for you and me there’s Bud Light Chelada and I’ll be able to write another similar but more experimental review in the future.  In the mean time, buy some Chelada or Steel Reserve or whatever you like and take the time to improve race relations by getting drunk on Cinco de Mayo.
As if to prove my point Salma Hayek celebrates Oktoberfest