Friday, November 30, 2012

Interview Tips

This picture is a shout out to all the other pervs out there.  It's also the first tip:  if the office looks like this there's no actual job.

Unemployment is a big problem right now, and I thought I’d do what I can to help.  I have been hired for every job I’ve applied to, even ones I was dangerously under qualified for.  If the economy does turn around, and you’re finding this post a few years from now you may want to instead check out my post on Hoverboard Maintenance.  The following are some questions one typically gets asked during the course of a job interview, followed by my response and/or explanation of the response.

What is your biggest weakness?

“Kryptonite.”  Pretty self-explanatory. You want to cultivate a mythic/godlike persona to impress a prospective employer.  As an added bonus kryptonite is expensive and hard to come by.  It can make a double-cross prohibitively expensive; furthermore they may tip their hand if they set about the complicated task of acquiring/manufacturing kryptonite.  Whatever you do don’t tell them about your “moment of weakness” when you fingerbanged your cousin.
1970's Gene Hackman! (my one actual weakness! Hubba Hubba!)

How would others describe you?

Use terms like: sexual dynamo, loose cannon, Cenobite, the Ayatollah of Rock n Rolla, and Snake Plissken-esque.  You might want to conclude with the phrase, “as horny as the day is long.”  Alternately you could just crib H.P. Lovecraft’s description of one of the Elder Gods from his Cthulhu mythos.  Avoid terms like: annoying, diaper fetishist, Juggalo, and “has leprosy,” no matter how true those statements me be.
After scouring the bowels of the internet I found one hot chick that likes the  Insane Clown Posse, which is one more than I expected.

How would you describe yourself?

Just say, “I prefer to let my fists do the talking.”  Then karate chop their desk in half.  You might want to Hulk Hogan your shirt off beforehand (especially if you have an erotic tattoo that covers your entire torso) but it’s up to you.
Karate Champ was a sweet game, because the goal was to kick the other player in the nuts before they could do the same to you.  Also note: hot babes and a Bloodsport reference

Why should I hire you?

“Good at math.”
Good enough to drill a hole in my fucking head

What qualities do you feel a successful manager should have?

“The best damn Dr. Who fanfiction writer on the internet.”  Then slam an olde-timey-Bible-sized stack of paper on their desk.  Most of the stories can be plagiarized from the internet, although I would personally appreciate it if you wrote a Dr. Who and Battlestar Galactica crossover (no slashfic please.)
Turlough and the Doctor? Real original.  Why don't you just have Snape fuck Harry Potter  you hack?

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Gabba Gabba Hey!
“President of the United States of America.”  People respect lofty goals.  Leader of the free world is about as lofty as it gets.  They may just hire you at Taco Bell or wherever just to curry favor with you in the future.  Avoid mentioning your secret cabal to abolish democracy and declare martial law once in office until after you’re hired.

That's it for now.  Check back later for more solid gold interview tips.

Someone made this image in complete earnestness.  I love my country.  

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Pabst Blue Ribbon

Want me to shake up this can of beer and spray you with it?  Too bad.

 Old man beers are probably my favorite bottomshelf beer sub-genre.  My love of old man beers first began in my earliest days of drinking, when everyone else was still drinking Icehouse I felt the need to blaze my own trail through the bottomshelf.  I don’t know if I was motivated by my sense of adventure or the disgustingness of Icehouse, probably the latter though I prefer the former because it makes me sound like Daniel Boone or a tough pirate.  In any event one of the first old man beers I came to love and respect was Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Joe Don Baker loves old man beer; hates ice

That's more like it!
Pabst Blue Ribbon was born in 1844 as “Best Select.”  The beer acquired its sobriquet Pabst Blue Ribbon after winning America’s Best in 1893, at least according to Pabst.  Others claim that it acquired the title from the blue ribbons tied around the neck of the bottle from 1882 to 1916, but holy heck who cares?  I have a degree in history so I understand why this shit is kind of important, but the Wikipedia entry spends more time on the goddamned etymology of “Pabst Blue Ribbon” than explaining why the beer peaked at 18 million barrels a year in 1977 and dropped below a million in 2001. That seems like it might be important: writing the history of a beer in its Encyclopedia entry.  The entry does however state that PBR has found resurgence in recent years due to its popularity amongst hipsters (barf.)

You may have noticed that in every beer review I try to find a different angle, something that will make my beer review unique, even if the beer isn’t.  The obvious choice for Pabst Blue Ribbon is of course hipsters: both my hatred of them and their “love” of PBR (hipsters have no soul and are incapable of love on all but the most ironic levels.)  While that is certainly tempting, I tend to think of this entire blog as a rallying cry against hipsterism and spending an entire post focusing on them seems a little redundant.  Besides, just thinking about them makes my skin crawl and fills my mind with white hot hatred.  It honestly baffles me that we live in a country that could at times seems so divided by ethnic, ideological, and religious differences when all true Americans share an instinctual universal hatred of hipsters.  
All images of hipsters were too disgusting, so I included this one instead

Click for fullsize!
Instead of hipsters, I thought I’d take a little time to talk about boilermakers.  The most official recipe for a boilermaker I’ve ever heard of is the “citywide special” in Philly (a shot of Jim Beam served with a pint of PBR.)  There are some that will claim that it’s socially acceptable to take the shot and use the beer as a chaser; however a boilermaker is defined as a cocktail and should be drank as such.  We are men, not ladies; except for the ladies, who are welcome to use a chaser for their shots…if they want to set feminism back like 25 years.  It turns out that beer with a whiskey depth charge is pretty good, all the delicious flavor of a beer with a nice whiskey aftertaste.  It’s better than you think it would be, but at the same time kind of really fucking weird, like when you discover your ex-girlfriend and your cousin’s next door neighbor know each other on facebook.
As fond as I am of cheap beer I despise cheap liquor, hence the single serving of Jim Beam

On its own Pabst is delicious. It’s easy to see why this beer’s been around for over 150 years.  It goes down smooth, and tastes like beer with just a slight hint of sourness.  It’s less crisp than Old Style but also less grainy than Miller High Life, certainly one of the better domestics.  PBR is 4.74% alcohol, about average for a domestic beer: enough to get you drunk eventually.  That is of course unless you’re mixing it with shots of whiskey, in which case welcome to Drunkville population 2 (Hello neighbor!)  During my research I also learned that they sell PBR in China at a wimpy 2.5%ABV.  Dude, there’s more alcohol in my piss on a Sunday morning.  That’s all the proof I need that they will never ever overtake the United States as a global superpower.  In fairness though, they make some great cookies.
...IN BED!!!

Pabst Blue Ribbon in an old man beer, sharing a special place in my heart with beers like Hamm’s; however unlike Hamm’s it seems that Pabst is going to be around for a long time.   Good thing too, because it’s a good beer that’s still usually sold at a reasonable price, despite its trendiness with the worst people on Earth.  Pick some up next time you get the chance, unless there are hipsters around.  You don’t want them to mistake you for one of their own, unless you feel like hearing about their goddamned kickstarter all fucking night.  I get it dude, the world is ready for an environmentally conscious skateboard company, that doesn’t mean I give a shit.
Heineken? Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!