Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Keystone Light

When I hear the word “Keystone” the first thing that comes to mind is Keystone Kapers, one of my all time favorite games for the Atari.  Unfortunately, despite the game’s popularity and inherit awesomeness, it’s never really entered the pantheon of “classics” like Ms. Pac-Man or even Yar’s Revenge.  It’s also unfortunate that the second thing I think about when I hear the word “Keystone” is Keystone Light, a beer I can’t stand.  The third thing I think of is Pennsylvania, “the Keystone State,” but that seems kind of irrelevant to this article.

Speaking of 30 Rock, here's sexy Tina Fey
Keystone Light is sold in a 30 pack also known as a “30 stone” or “30 rock.” Last time I was at the grocery store I was caught in the unfortunate circumstance of being almost out of beer, with a looming deadline.  I saw an ad for Keystone Light and knew what I had to do.  It was kind of like when Mad Max had to kill that retard in Thunderdome.  I wasn’t happy with my situation, but if I didn’t purchase some Keystone Tina Turner would metaphorically kick me out of Barter Town.  If that metaphor doesn’t make sense, let’s just say it’s one less retard (shitty beer) I gotta worry about in the future.

Calling Keystone Light retarded sums up my feelings pretty well.  Lots of people have something they won’t drink anymore because of one time when they had a really bad experience.  I’ve never had that problem (see previous post) with anything I’ve ever drank; however I’ve had plenty of bad experiences with people that drink Keystone Light.  In college everyone drank cheap beer.  My friends and I tended to drink a lot of King Cobra and Miller High Life.  On the other side of the coin, idiot “Dude-bro’s” (guys that say dude and bro a lot) tended to drink a lot of Keystone Light.  To this day I can’t think of Keystone Light without thinking of douchebag sexual degenerates and rap metal.
This year Todd is going as a date rapist for Halloween

Admittedly, I'm being pretty prejudiced and a little unfair; however Keystone Light has done little to distance themselves from my stereotype.  Their official website looks like a ripoff of College Humor or Funny or Die.  I say this mostly because all of the material is pretty much taken directly from the aforementioned websites, and laid out very poorly.  Based on their website and facebook page it seems they are trying to appeal to college kids and “go viral.”  That’s not a problem I guess, except for one thing: Keith Stone.

Keith Stone is the mascot or spokesman or whatever for Keystone Light and I fucking hate him.  Just look at his guy:
Note the trucker hat, leather vest, stupid facial hair, vaguely retro t-shirt, and dumb expression.

In short, he looks like a fucking asshole.  He looks like a combination of a frat boy and a goddamn hillbilly.  I assume that’s look they’re going for; they want to appeal to retards in college while not alienating their hardcore redneck (Indiana) fanbase.  For this reason I have decided that he’s my new arch enemy, which is perfect timing: my old arch enemy, Brett Favre, having recently been defeated.  In case you’re wondering, Brett Favre was defeated when I found out that he had a really small penis.  No woman is going to want to have sex with you after you send her a picture of your tiny dong.  (I on the other hand can’t get enough pictures of tiny dicks, so next time you get out of the pool take a picture and hit me up!)
What a waste of precious cans!  Somewhere a homeless man is crying.

Keystone makes a big deal about how smooth their beer is, and I must confess it is “always smooth” like the can says.  It’s about as flavorless as it gets, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.  As I pointed out with Buck Range Light: it’s better that a beer taste like water than a hot turd.  In fact, Keystone Light tastes pretty similar to Buck Range Light, or I guess Buck Range Light tastes like Keystone.  After all, Keystone came out a decade earlier and certainly outsells Buck Range Light, but I reviewed Buck Range first so go fuck yourself.

I guess I’m trying to say that once you get past the retarded frat boy douche-baggery it’s not that bad.  All in all it hasn’t been too bad of an experience this time around.  I made a new arch nemesis, and I got to drink beer and play Keystone Kapers.  I do have to pee a lot though.  Keystone is only 4.2% alcohol, so I’ve been slamming them all night.  I guess that’s just one of the downsides to Keystone Light, the other notable downside being that people in my community saw me purchase Keystone Light.  I bet they’re going to put me on some sort of sexual predator list.  Oh well, it’s not the first time and it certainly won’t be the last.  Anyone know how much an ice-cream truck costs?
Looks like the Danmeister was within 300 feet of a school again.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Schlitz Malt Liquor

The Luvabulls, sexing it up for the greatest basketball team in the world

I grew up in the Southwest Suburbs of Chicago in the 90’s.  During that era the Chicago Bulls won six World Championships.  My enthusiasm for the team was so great that I celebrated their 6th title by running around the block in my underwear.  I ended up slipping on a patch of wet grass and tearing my butt cheek open.  Anyway, The Chicago Bulls finished this season with the best record in the NBA, and I knew I had to do something equally awesome to celebrate.  I considered ripping open my other butt cheek, but I already have anal fissures so it would be a hollow tribute.  Instead I will be doing a Chicago Bulls themed bottomshelf beer review.  To that end, I will be drinking Schlitz Malt Liquor the only cheap beer I know of with a bull on the can.
The duct tape is irrelevant, but I think it adds dimension and movement to the picture

A bunch of guys I assume are good at basketball
This proved a more daunting task than I originally figured.  I don’t want to get too into it here (because I’m lazy saving the story for a future post.)  But I had to drive all the way to the fucking ghetto to find me some Schlitz Malt Liquor.  An inconvenience sure, but I take it as a good sign that the selection of malt liquor is somewhat limited by my house.  Plus, it adds to the tribute.  Derrick Rose spent his offseason ratcheting his game up to a superhuman level.  The least I could do is drive to a shitty neighborhood and buy a cold 4 pack of Schlitz Malt Liquor.  As an added bonus, I could tell just by looking around the store that all the other patrons were definitely really good at basketball.  I thought about asking them for some pointers, but decided in the end to get the hell out of there without making eye-contact with anyone.

When I got home the first thing I noticed about the can was the majestic bull on the front.  The second thing I noticed was the bull’s giant majestic nutsack: 
Revel in his majesty

This isn’t a photograph from nature; it’s an artist’s rendition of what a bull looks like.  Interestingly, the artist chose to include the bull’s beanbag, further driving home my point about the Schlitz/Chicago Bulls connection.  I mean, The Bulls got cajones.  If the bull had a dunce cap or a big wet sopping vagina it would be hard not to draw a parallel between the bull and The Heat or The Pistons, but big masculine balls puts him firmly in The Chicago Bull’s camp.  I sure have talked about testicles a lot in this paragraph; the only surprising thing is that I haven’t said anything about twinks.  Ya’ know, young hairless men.  The two tend to go hand-in-hand for me and I can’t think about scrotums without thinking about shaving cream and…uh.

Straight outta Oklahoma...
The can also says, “O.M.L . Original malt Liquor.”  Abbreviating something and then giving the long version seems a little redundant to me.  I guess they wanted O.M.L. to catch on as an “urban” or “hip-hop” slang for Schlitz Malt Liquor.  I cursory check of google reveals that Oklahoma Municipal League is the most common use of the initials O.M.L., so unless there’s a bunch of shit about Oklahoma! on the new Ice Cube album I think it’s safe to say that it didn’t catch on. 

The can goes onto state that O.M.L. (Schlitz) is 5.9% alcohol, which puts it about on par with Olde English in terms of how quick it gets you drunk.  The side of the can also has some nonsense government warnings, but since you’re reading this far I assume you’re a Bulls fan and not a goddamn pussy so if you want to drink when you’re pregnant I’m not going to stop you.  If you read the fine print next to the government warning you’ll discover that the “O.M.L.” is confusingly made by Stoh’s and not Schlitz.  I guess it’s kind of like when they pay a director a bunch of money to attach his name to a movie he had nothing to do with (I will never completely forgive Wes Craven for fucking Dracula 2000) the difference of course being that Schlitz Malt Liquor is actually pretty damn good.
Carlos BOOZEr.  Get it?!?!?!  I slay me.  What's with dudes with shaved heads and weird facial hair?  When did that become a thing?

It tastes like beer; not malt liquor, not cheap shitty beer, but beer.  It’s about the only malt liquor I’ve ever had that isn’t completely undrinkable when it gets warm.  Usually by the time I get to the bottom of my 40 it tastes like warm piss.  Granted, I have asshole friends and regularly leave my 40’s unattended, but even when I woke up with a big floppy dong Sharpied onto my forehead my Schlitz Malt Liquor was still good to the last drop.  This is truly a malt liquor worthy of a Championship team like The Chicago Bulls.
Jennifer Beals is from Chicago, she is also half black.  I think it's safe to say that she's a huge Bulls fan.

Two years ago I personally watched The Bulls get blown out 107 to 86 against the Boston Celtics in the playoffs.  By the end of the game I was crying in my beer and yelling “Tom Brady broke his leg!” at any Celtics fans I came across.  This year The Bulls are going all the way.  I’m celebrating by drinking Schlitz the official malt liquor of the Chicago Bulls and playing NBA Jam.  I suggest you pick up some up today and join the party.
What other game lets you play as Frank Thomas and Scottie Pippen?

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Pizza Delivery Adventures: The Trailer Park

When I delivered pizza, most of the deliveries were in beautiful Alsip Illinois or the surrounding suburbs.  As you can imagine, one of the main challenges when delivering pizza was finding the place you’re supposed to be delivering to.  Fortunately, I grew up in Alsip and knew the area like I know the top of my penis, er…the back of my hand, with some minor exceptions, most notably the trailer park. 

An excuse to post Daisy Duke
I knew exactly where the trailer park was, but since I don’t smoke meth I’d never had reason to venture down its labyrinthine streets.  Now I’ve watched my share of The Dukes of Hazzard, and the first time I delivered to the trailer park I surprise by the lack of conveniently placed ramps, jumps and bales of hay.  I also got really fucking lost.  There were no streetlights and every street was “one way only” with a 10mph speed limit.  How was the General Lee (my 1998 Mercury Mystique) supposed to get around in that sort of shit?  It didn’t help matters any that the trailers’ addresses were seemingly passed out at random, like some sort of hillbilly Sudoku.  Remember how Indiana Jones had to use a model city and a staff to find the Ark of the Covenant?  Well it was pretty much like that every time I went there.
I spent hours playing this simulation and still got lost

"Git off my land!"
Most of the people that lived in the trailer park were very nice people.  As for the rest, well there’s a reason you always see trailer parks on Cops.  One of our more frequent customers always reeked of pot.  That in and of itself wasn’t that big a deal.  It may surprise you, but lots of people order pizza when they’re baked off their ass.  The problem is that this guy thought he had to hide it, like I give a shit.  He’d make me sit outside in the dark for fifteen minutes, so he could Febreeze the place.  All the while, a bunch of goddamn junkyard Rottweilers barked their asses off and growled at me.  (What’s with poor people and mean ugly dogs?)

With me so far?  OK, now imagine you’re watching the hottest porno you’ve ever seen, but when the camera finally shows the girls face; she looks exactly like your sister.  Well this article is that porno.  Ugh…What I’m trying to say is that it’s easy to laugh about hillbillies, but this kind of behavior wasn’t just restricted to trailer parks.  Lots of people, just like you, would leave me stranded on the porch while they hid their weed, collected money from their deadbeat friends, or kicked their mean dog in the balls.  If that sounds like you and you laughed at that pothead guy in the trailer park you probably feel exactly like Luke Skywalker did in that cave on Dagobah.  You cut off Darth Vader’s head and you saw your own face. (I guess that’s probably a better metaphor but I’m already committed to the weird porno joke.)
I assume you look exactly like Mark Hamil

Fear not, the problem is easily solved.  When you order a pizza stop masturbating for five minutes and get your shit together.  If you have a coupon or want to pay with a credit card, let them know over the phone when placing the order.   It’ll make the whole transaction go smoother and you can get right back to masturbating.   When you place your order it’s also a good idea to let them know any special directions that will make your house easier to find, and turn your goddamn porch light on.  If you’re Jewish, you might want to put some lamb’s blood over your door.  It might not make your house much easier to find, but it will prevent the Angel of Death from murdering your first born.
The Angel of Death is also the Angel of Slutty Halloween Costumes

I think those are some helpful hints and I covered everything I was going to say about the trailer park, with one major exception.  I was trying really hard this whole blog post to work in a reference to Leatherface and it just didn’t work.  I don’t know what the problem was; this article is already random as hell.  It’s not like it would have ruined my “artistic vision.” I guess saying his name in this conclusion kind of shoehorns him in, but it feels kinda forced to me.  Oh well, in the words of George W. Bush, “mission accomplished!”  Until next time, remember to tip your pizza guy.
Dance like no one is watching

Monday, April 4, 2011

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Buck Range Light

If you don't feel like reading you can check out the video version here.
This is Allison Brie seductively eating a strawberry.  Her connection to Buck Range Light is tenuous at best, but things are about to get creepy.

Did you ever see the Shining?  Do you remember that part where that old dude is getting a blowjob from a guy dressed as a bear or a dog or something? In case you don’t:

That was probably the creepiest part of the movie, way creepier than the elevator full of blood.  Anyway, I bring this up because memory is funny.  The old guy is clearly getting head from Barf (of Spaceballs fame) but in my mind, I always remembered him getting sucked off by a deer.  I don’t know why I always remembered it being a deer, or what that says about me.  I can’t even decide if that’s more or less disturbing than the actual scene in the movie.  Anyway, when I heard about Buck Range Light, I ended up thinking about deer, which led to me (incorrectly) remembering that scene from the movie.  I was instantly creeped out. 
In case you're not creeped out enough.  This is a picture of a person that derives sexual pleasure from dressing like a deer.

One thing I can tell you though, I have no problem remembering Big Flats 1901 or Gameday Ice.  Both beers were in-house beers for convenience stores, and like an old man getting a BJ from a deer, both beers were fucking disgusting.  As I lamented this fact to a friend of mine (without mentioning the deer blowjob thing) he informed me that Jewel also had an in-house beer: Buck Range Light.   I immediately wished I had started a website reviewing cotton candy or girl-on-girl kiss scenes.  I also immediately resolved to buy and drink some Buck Range Light.

What kind of name is Buck Range Light? I’m guessing they want you to think of hunting and guys drinking beer in the woods.  My guess is that the fine folks at Jewel wanted to give the beer a generic folksy name, so the beer would just kind of blend in with the other macrobrews and people would only notice the low-low price($6 a twelver.) Personally I think the name is a little too generic.  Buck Range Light sounds like a kids’ show from the 1950's, not a beer.  It also conjures up some pretty disturbing images, if you happen to remember The Shining a little different than most people do.
Coolest hunter ever.  I assume he drinks a lot

“Wherever your outdoor enthusiasm takes you, whatever your choice of adventure, alone or with your fellow comrades, the journey is yours.  Live the life - Pass The Buck.”  -Buck Range Light

The website's only picture
That is an actual quote from their website.  It has surprisingly little to do with The Shining, except that it seems to be encouraging you to drink alone, kind of like that ghost bartender in the movie.  Since, I’m drinking this stuff by myself I think they nailed their target demographic.  But the absolute best part of the website was the “Awards and Accolades” section.  In this section, the only thing it says is “released December 2010.”  Wow.  Talk about balls.  That would be like if the DVD box for Catwoman had a laurel around the words “Jury Prize Sundance 2004” “Released 2004.”  I found it kind of enduring.  Buck Range hasn’t won any awards, but Buck Range doesn’t give a rat’s ass, they wear that shit on their sleeve.  They might not have won Beer of the Year, but fuck you.  You heard me: fuck you.
As good as she looked Catwoman was unwatchable

I too contemplated suicide after watching The Happening
SPOILER ALERT: Remember how at the end of The Shining it turns out that it’s all a dream, and Jack Nick rolls over in bed and hugs Shelly Duvall?  In a similar plot twist of Shyamalan-esque proportions it turns out that Buck Range Light is actually not half bad.  See how I misdirected you talking about creepy deer/geriatric felatio?  That’s what I call good writing.  Buck range is highly carbonated with a slight beer flavor.  It’s like beer flavored pop. But what it lacks in flavor it makes up for in lack of bad flavor.  It might not be that good, but at least it doesn’t taste like someone canned a wet fart.  In fact, what little flavor it has is actually pretty good.  BRL goes great with pizza, bratwurst or breakfast food (you’re among friends here, and I won’t judge you.)

Today I learned things about myself I’d just as soon forget.  I also learned that Buck Range Light is a solid purchase.  It’s fucking cheap, and not that bad to drink.  I would still rather spend a few bucks more and get a full 30 pack of Lacrosse, but depending on the circumstance I could see buying Buck Range Light again.  Admittedly, it’s hard to imagine a circumstance in which I would choose to buy light beer, but it’s also hard for me to imagine anything right now that isn’t a creepy deer blowing an old man.

Thanks for sticking out this creepy article.  As for your reward, I present to you: Sofia Vergara in a bikini.
EDIT 3-1-2012
Check out the new video version: