Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Cold Weather

It’s that time of year again.  When the days get shorter and the weather gets colder; winter.  There are obvious good things about winter: football, Lindsey Vonn, Christmas, and dogs with barrels of brandy around their necks.  Most people agree that those things are good, and many people will claim to like winter despite the cold weather.  I like winter because of the cold weather.
A reason for the season

Desolate as The Road
I feel like it makes me a little bit tougher than all those pussies in places like California.  They’ve never skidded on black ice across four lanes of traffic.  They’ve never walked down the streets of Chicago when it’s shitty out and you’re all alone, like a survivor of the nuclear holocaust.  They don’t know what it’s like when you absolutely have to be outside for an extended period of time when it’s freezing cold out.  It feels shitty, but you feel tough going where weaker men fear to tread.  Cold weather reminds me how my ancestors painted themselves blue and fought the Romans buck naked in the snow; the epic struggle of men fighting men, naked.  Well, this paragraph certainly took a turn for the gayest.  I mean jeez.  Ughh…it’s historical, look it up if you don’t believe me.  
Doesn't get straighter than this

Vice President: Of my pants!
Now, don’t get me wrong, I like complaining about cold weather as much as anyone.  I mean, bitching about the weather is at least as much of a winter sport as men’s figure skating.  It’s nice to have something really shitty to complain about.  Maybe that’s why there always bitching about bullshit out in Cali: third-hand smoke, the lack of high quality vegan restaurants, and Sarah Palin (no one else takes her seriously.)  We Midwesterners have real things to complain about: cold ass weather, a shitty economy and corrupt ass politicians.

But you know what I really like about cold weather: it kills the homeless.  I don’t mean that as callous as it sounds.  I think it thins the heard a little and leaves us with a heartier, tougher, crazier breed of bum.  Think about it, if you lost your job and for some reason you couldn’t get help from your family and friends, what would you do?  Personally I’d panhandle $40 and hop a train to LA.  You gotta be tough as nails and batshit crazy to live like Aqualung in a Chicago winter.  One time I was on the “L” and this homeless dude had his hands over his ears and he kept screaming that he needed to get to a fallout shelter.  Seriously. 

The proof is in the pudding.  Every slam poet I’ve ever met from California has been “homeless” for a little while, and the streets of LA are practically paved with homeless people.  In Chicago, if there’s a bum sleeping on Buckingham Fountain the police tell him to get his ass to a shelter.  In LA every beach, bench and tourist attraction is full of bums just laying out everywhere.  They all got funny signs, “need money for weed, at least I’m honest”  “Will work for booze.”  You know what happens to funny bums in Chicago?  They fucking die.
Thin the heard
In conclusion our bums could beat the shit out of LA bums, and if you want to fight poverty you should try to solve tough problems.  Stop closing mental hospitals and help fight substance abuse.  Don’t let hobos stink up Venice Beach.  Also, it’s fucking cold out and I gotta shovel.  Fuck.


  1. Dan- I love your blog. This one was especially relevant since I just return from sissy LA to an icy, snow-storming, freezing-ass Chicago. And that's how the Christmas season SHOULD be.

    Also, just wanted to let you know that I read and enjoy your writing.