Friday, December 7, 2012

Interview Tips II: Freddy's Revenge

Do you believe in UFOs, astral projections, mental telepathy, ESP, clairvoyance, spirit photography, telekinetic movement, full trance mediums, the Loch Ness monster and the theory of Atlantis?

I'm back with even more interview tips. (check out my other tips here.) Please keep in mind these are ADVANCED interview techniques.  Please be prepared for the sheer amount of awesomeness you will unleash. Fainting is a common side effect; however so is being hired on the spot for a job paying SIX figures!

Note: At times I refer to the hypothetical boss by masculine pronouns because I find "him or her" to be rather cumbersome.  Also I assume the boss is a guy.

Why are you leaving your current position?

“My manager wasn’t handsome enough.” Then wink at them.  If that doesn’t work I suggest you start “speaking in tongues.”  One time a lady at a Burger King started babbling nonsense at me and told me she was speaking in tongues, so I assume that’s how it’s done.  The whole thing made me super uncomfortable.  Odds are it will do the same to the person interviewing you.  If they don’t hire you, congratulations you can now sue them for religious discrimination, I think.  On the outside chance the person interviewing you is also insane be prepared to talk about the Book of Revelations, A LOT.     
The girl that accosted me at Burger King looked homeschooled, unlike the girl in this impossible to believe Burger  King promo campaign

What attracts you to this position?

“Two words: Mad poontang!”  Then go for the high-five.  They will not leave you hanging.  If you end up with “one of those people” (e.g. those that do not find crude sexual terms humorous or endearing) you probably don’t want to work there anyway, but you can cover your tracks by saying, “just kidding” and pretending you raised your hand really fast to mess with your hair.
Don't do what Donny Don't does (click for animation)

Have you ever had a conflict with a boss? How was it resolved?

Either say that you bested him in combat or that you seduced him.  The first option lets them know you are not a man to be trifled with, but that you respect the ancient laws of combat.  The second option let’s an employer know that you are willing to put your differences aside.  A more advanced interviewing technique is a combination of the two: saying you seduced your boss to lull them into a false sense of security and then bashed his brains in while he was asleep.
It's either Thunderdome or the ol' honeypot.

Are you a team player?

Explain that you see yourself as more of a lone wolf.  Basically you want to start setting up a Han Solo type of story arc.  You want their respect and admiration to grow as they peel back the layers of the onion, and discover there’s more to you than money.  Of course they could also discover you’re more of a lone wolf like Lee Harvey Oswald or Charles Whitman; in which case I’d prefer it if you blamed it on “The Cather in the Rye” and didn’t mention this blog post during your interrogation. 
Remember:  J.D. Salinger, not the Dan for All Seasons

Tell me about your education.

“Good at math.” (See previous post.)

Describe projects you’ve worked on.

Sweet game.
“The Manhattan Project.”  It was one of the most prestigious projects one could be a part of, a gathering of the some of the greatest scientific minds of all time.  The best part is it was all top secret, real hush-hush, so you won’t have to elaborate too much.  If pressed for details you might want to watch that Paul Newman movie about it.  DO NOT just give the plot to the Ninja Turtles Nintendo game with the same title, it’s pretty different.

What is best in life?

Crush your enemies. See them driven before you and hear the lamentations of their women.
"Crush your enemies. See them driven before you and hear the lamentations of their women."

What duties/responsibilities do you have at your current position?

It doesn't matter what you say here just be sure to say “like a boss!” after everything you list.  It let’s people know that even if you cleaned toilets you did it like a boss.  You may want to throw in an Austin Powers impression.  It may not help, but it certainly couldn't hurt.
Elizabeth Hurley is SHAGEDELIC BABY! YEAH!

Tell me about a challenge you’ve faced and how you overcame it.

People like a good story, and I can’t think of a better one than the movie Powder.  Although it’s tempting to tell your prospective boss the about the Battle of the Bulge it lacks the emotional complexity and depth of the 1995 Sean Patrick Flannery vehicle.  If your interviewer is a fan of the film (highly likely) they will respect your choice and you’ll both be laughing about it later when you’re both watching Powder from the comfort of your new boss’s Jacuzzi.  If by some chance your boss isn’t a fan of the film you may have to transfer the fear from a dying deer into your boss to make your point.  
If Powder ever winked at me I'd kill myself

Friday, November 30, 2012

Interview Tips

This picture is a shout out to all the other pervs out there.  It's also the first tip:  if the office looks like this there's no actual job.

Unemployment is a big problem right now, and I thought I’d do what I can to help.  I have been hired for every job I’ve applied to, even ones I was dangerously under qualified for.  If the economy does turn around, and you’re finding this post a few years from now you may want to instead check out my post on Hoverboard Maintenance.  The following are some questions one typically gets asked during the course of a job interview, followed by my response and/or explanation of the response.

What is your biggest weakness?

“Kryptonite.”  Pretty self-explanatory. You want to cultivate a mythic/godlike persona to impress a prospective employer.  As an added bonus kryptonite is expensive and hard to come by.  It can make a double-cross prohibitively expensive; furthermore they may tip their hand if they set about the complicated task of acquiring/manufacturing kryptonite.  Whatever you do don’t tell them about your “moment of weakness” when you fingerbanged your cousin.
1970's Gene Hackman! (my one actual weakness! Hubba Hubba!)

How would others describe you?

Use terms like: sexual dynamo, loose cannon, Cenobite, the Ayatollah of Rock n Rolla, and Snake Plissken-esque.  You might want to conclude with the phrase, “as horny as the day is long.”  Alternately you could just crib H.P. Lovecraft’s description of one of the Elder Gods from his Cthulhu mythos.  Avoid terms like: annoying, diaper fetishist, Juggalo, and “has leprosy,” no matter how true those statements me be.
After scouring the bowels of the internet I found one hot chick that likes the  Insane Clown Posse, which is one more than I expected.

How would you describe yourself?

Just say, “I prefer to let my fists do the talking.”  Then karate chop their desk in half.  You might want to Hulk Hogan your shirt off beforehand (especially if you have an erotic tattoo that covers your entire torso) but it’s up to you.
Karate Champ was a sweet game, because the goal was to kick the other player in the nuts before they could do the same to you.  Also note: hot babes and a Bloodsport reference

Why should I hire you?

“Good at math.”
Good enough to drill a hole in my fucking head

What qualities do you feel a successful manager should have?

“The best damn Dr. Who fanfiction writer on the internet.”  Then slam an olde-timey-Bible-sized stack of paper on their desk.  Most of the stories can be plagiarized from the internet, although I would personally appreciate it if you wrote a Dr. Who and Battlestar Galactica crossover (no slashfic please.)
Turlough and the Doctor? Real original.  Why don't you just have Snape fuck Harry Potter  you hack?

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Gabba Gabba Hey!
“President of the United States of America.”  People respect lofty goals.  Leader of the free world is about as lofty as it gets.  They may just hire you at Taco Bell or wherever just to curry favor with you in the future.  Avoid mentioning your secret cabal to abolish democracy and declare martial law once in office until after you’re hired.

That's it for now.  Check back later for more solid gold interview tips.

Someone made this image in complete earnestness.  I love my country.  

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Pabst Blue Ribbon

Want me to shake up this can of beer and spray you with it?  Too bad.

 Old man beers are probably my favorite bottomshelf beer sub-genre.  My love of old man beers first began in my earliest days of drinking, when everyone else was still drinking Icehouse I felt the need to blaze my own trail through the bottomshelf.  I don’t know if I was motivated by my sense of adventure or the disgustingness of Icehouse, probably the latter though I prefer the former because it makes me sound like Daniel Boone or a tough pirate.  In any event one of the first old man beers I came to love and respect was Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Joe Don Baker loves old man beer; hates ice

That's more like it!
Pabst Blue Ribbon was born in 1844 as “Best Select.”  The beer acquired its sobriquet Pabst Blue Ribbon after winning America’s Best in 1893, at least according to Pabst.  Others claim that it acquired the title from the blue ribbons tied around the neck of the bottle from 1882 to 1916, but holy heck who cares?  I have a degree in history so I understand why this shit is kind of important, but the Wikipedia entry spends more time on the goddamned etymology of “Pabst Blue Ribbon” than explaining why the beer peaked at 18 million barrels a year in 1977 and dropped below a million in 2001. That seems like it might be important: writing the history of a beer in its Encyclopedia entry.  The entry does however state that PBR has found resurgence in recent years due to its popularity amongst hipsters (barf.)

You may have noticed that in every beer review I try to find a different angle, something that will make my beer review unique, even if the beer isn’t.  The obvious choice for Pabst Blue Ribbon is of course hipsters: both my hatred of them and their “love” of PBR (hipsters have no soul and are incapable of love on all but the most ironic levels.)  While that is certainly tempting, I tend to think of this entire blog as a rallying cry against hipsterism and spending an entire post focusing on them seems a little redundant.  Besides, just thinking about them makes my skin crawl and fills my mind with white hot hatred.  It honestly baffles me that we live in a country that could at times seems so divided by ethnic, ideological, and religious differences when all true Americans share an instinctual universal hatred of hipsters.  
All images of hipsters were too disgusting, so I included this one instead

Click for fullsize!
Instead of hipsters, I thought I’d take a little time to talk about boilermakers.  The most official recipe for a boilermaker I’ve ever heard of is the “citywide special” in Philly (a shot of Jim Beam served with a pint of PBR.)  There are some that will claim that it’s socially acceptable to take the shot and use the beer as a chaser; however a boilermaker is defined as a cocktail and should be drank as such.  We are men, not ladies; except for the ladies, who are welcome to use a chaser for their shots…if they want to set feminism back like 25 years.  It turns out that beer with a whiskey depth charge is pretty good, all the delicious flavor of a beer with a nice whiskey aftertaste.  It’s better than you think it would be, but at the same time kind of really fucking weird, like when you discover your ex-girlfriend and your cousin’s next door neighbor know each other on facebook.
As fond as I am of cheap beer I despise cheap liquor, hence the single serving of Jim Beam

On its own Pabst is delicious. It’s easy to see why this beer’s been around for over 150 years.  It goes down smooth, and tastes like beer with just a slight hint of sourness.  It’s less crisp than Old Style but also less grainy than Miller High Life, certainly one of the better domestics.  PBR is 4.74% alcohol, about average for a domestic beer: enough to get you drunk eventually.  That is of course unless you’re mixing it with shots of whiskey, in which case welcome to Drunkville population 2 (Hello neighbor!)  During my research I also learned that they sell PBR in China at a wimpy 2.5%ABV.  Dude, there’s more alcohol in my piss on a Sunday morning.  That’s all the proof I need that they will never ever overtake the United States as a global superpower.  In fairness though, they make some great cookies.
...IN BED!!!

Pabst Blue Ribbon in an old man beer, sharing a special place in my heart with beers like Hamm’s; however unlike Hamm’s it seems that Pabst is going to be around for a long time.   Good thing too, because it’s a good beer that’s still usually sold at a reasonable price, despite its trendiness with the worst people on Earth.  Pick some up next time you get the chance, unless there are hipsters around.  You don’t want them to mistake you for one of their own, unless you feel like hearing about their goddamned kickstarter all fucking night.  I get it dude, the world is ready for an environmentally conscious skateboard company, that doesn’t mean I give a shit.
Heineken? Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Hamm's

This article was going to suffer from a lack of babes, fortunately I remembered Hammer Films star Ingrid Pitt.  Here she is offering you some delicious beer (possibly Hamm's?)

I don’t really have much of a plan when it comes to deciding which beers to review and when.  Sometimes I think of something I want to say about a particular beer or a joke I want to make and purchase accordingly.  Who can forget the biting “deer blowjob” social commentary in my review of Buck Range Light?  More often than not though, I just end up seeing something at the grocery store and buying it without any prior thought.  Such is the case with Hamm’s .  The only joke that immediately sprang to mind was that Hamm’s sounds almost exactly like the word “ham.”  (Hilarious!)  I bought it anyway and decided to come up with something that didn’t involve homophones when I got home.

Possibly the weirdest thing for me about Hamm’s is that I’ve known the chorus and tune of the Hamm’s commercial jingle “From the Land of Sky Blue Waters” as far back as I can remember, despite the fact that I only became aware of Hamm’s existence in my early 20’s.  I find it odd that I can remember a commercial jingle from 25+ years ago, but I have absolutely no recollection why I’m covered in blood right now.  As far as Hamm’s is concerned, it seems that America’s cultural memory is similar to my own.  During my research I found tons of information about the Hamm’s Jingle, their mascot The Hamm’s Beer Bear, and various promotional items the brewery released over the years (beach towels, refrigerator magnets, vanity catheters, etc.) but came up short when it came to the actual history of the beer.

Sammy Hagar is worse than Hagar the Horrible
Specifically, I couldn’t find any information pertaining to the beer’s fall from nationally advertised grace to the bottom of the bottomshelf.  I do know that after operating as an independent brewery from 1865 to 1968 the company got punted around until it was acquired by Miller in 1999.  Miller’s eventual goal is to phase Hamm’s out of production with the hopes that people switch to other Miller products.  Personally, I can’t think of a bleaker future than one that precludes beers like Hamm’s in favor of godamned Miller Lite.  It makes 1984 look like 1999 (the Orwell novel and the Prince album, not the Van Halen album and the Prince album because both albums are pretty fucking sweet.)  My only hope is that this dystopian future will somehow involve Judge Dredd riding around Mega-City One shooting people in the fucking face.  More likely it’ll involve a lot of 90’s era Aerosmith and shooting CD’s at a bunch of nearly identical government thugs.  
Dredd 3D was one of the best movies I've ever seen and it bombed.  You people disgust me.  Someday they'll make a Revolution X movie and you retards will eat it up like the last three Transformers movies.

No caption necessary
All that being said, Hamm’s is pretty good.  It’s about as stripped down as a beer can be, while still tasting exactly like beer should.  If I had to choose one beer to represent American beer on a deep space mission, Hamm’s would be my Kal-El son of Jor-El.  (In this elaborate hypothetical Bill Clinton is Lex Luther and George W. Bush is Brainiac.  Figure it out stupids.)  Essentially, I think Hamm’s isn’t great but it’s one of the beeriest beers that ever beered.  To those of you that think it’s kind of a copout to say that a beer tastes like beer, let me say that totally I agree with you.  On that note, Hamm’s is kind of grainy like MGD but not as harsh, like a slightly fancier Miller High Life.  That’s right, it’s fancier than the champagne of beers.
Ingrid Pitt, from the film Where Eagles Dare.  Note:  She Ain't No Goddamn Sonofabitch! (you better think about it baby)

I think this one turned out pretty well, and I got to try a decent beer for the very first time.  I’m going to call it before I say something stupid, well stupider than usual.  I do drink a lot.  Before I wrap it up, I have to say that it’s really unfortunate that a once proud beer seems relegated to the sands of history.  Go buy some Hamm’s so we can prevent a future where the only choices are Miller Lite and going sober.  You won’t like me when I’m sober.
Fortunately I don't see that happening anytime soon.
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