Dan's Top Horror Movies 20-11

Halloween rules

We’re in the homestretch people; the cream of the crop, the all important top 20.  If you missed the previous parts you can check out 50-41 here 40-31 here, and 30-21 here.  Let’s bang a gong and get it on like T-Rex.

20. 28 Weeks Later (2007)

28 Weeks Later is one of the most intense movies I’ve ever seen.  The movie starts out with people running from a blood-mad zombie horde, slows down for like fifteen minutes to set up the plot, and then the kicks it into overdrive for the rest of the 100 minute runtime.  The pacing and intensity alone puts 28 Weeks Later over its predecessor.  It’s also much gorier; people get burned alive, eaten alive, eye gouged, and shot.  The only criticism I have for the movie was the choice to have a main zombie hunting the protagonists.  Zombie movies work better with a faceless horde of rage-infected maniacs chasing their victims.  One more thing; how did Robert Carlyle and that chick that was living in a pile of filth have such a hot daughter?  Robert Carlyle isn’t just classically unattractive; he’s weird looking, right?  The girl that plays his daughter looks like she walked out of Proactiv commercial even in the bowels of a corpse laden subway.  Took me right out of the movie.

Hot damn

19.  Creature From the Black Lagoon (1954)

At its core Creature From the Black Lagoon is about a fish-man that wants to have sex with a beautiful woman, but it’s also about environmentalism, desire, science gone wrong, and lagoons (aside from the Brooke Shields movie lagoons are one of the most underrepresented bodies of water in film.)  The filmmakers went to great lengths to make the creature look like a real monster; the suit is form fitting and doesn’t wrinkle or have a zipper.  The actor in the underwater scenes even had to be able to hold his breath for 4 minutes at a time so it would look like a real fish and not a SCUBA diver incognito.  The term “rubber suit” is usually thrown around as a pejorative, but in this movie it’s one helluva suit and I think it works better than CGI ever could.  For a movie made in the 50’s that takes place in a South American jungle there’s surprisingly little racism.  What gives?  I guess their guides were kind of swarthy, but I want ethnic guides to talk like Frankenstein and be afraid of white-man technology.  Good movie nonetheless.

That's more like it.

18. Blood Diner (1987)

Blood Diner is a horror parody and tribute to H.G. Lewis’ Bloodfeast.  I think it’s one of the most underrated horror movies of all time.  The movie isn’t even available on DVD.  It shows up “On Demand” from time to time, and whenever it does I watch it twice.  Blood Diner is about two guys that own a 50’s style diner that serves the best vegetarian food in the city, only the secret ingredient is human flesh.  The death scenes are as hilarious as they are gory.  The movie only has a 4.3 on IMDB, but anyone that gave this movie a low rating is a fucking asshole.  I don’t want to be a dick or anything, but seriously.  The kind of person that takes the time to go online and downgrade a sweet movie like this on IMDB is the same kind of person that complains about people boozing it up at the office Christmas party.  You don’t own the copy machine Bitch, and if I wanna Xerox my scrotum it’s my goddamned business.  I’m not cut off, you’re cut off.

17. Scream (1996)

The most important scene in an important film

Throughout the 90’s horror movies, particularly slasher movies, seemed kind of passé; a relic from the previous decade.  Then Scream happened.  It was a monster hit, grossing over $161,000,000 worldwide.  Horror was back, and I was at just the right age to see every horror movie released to theaters.  Most of the movies were copycat pieces of shit like “I Know What you Did Last Summer” and I quickly stopped seeing every horror movie.  They were all so goddamned derivative; they assembled an ensemble cast of attractive young people and had a maniac kill them (just like Scream!)  Worse still, those movies usually had barely any blood and no nudity, as if that would somehow make the film “hip” and “edgy” like Scream.  I’ve talked a lot about Scream’s legacy, and it should go without saying that I really like this movie.  I liked it a lot in Junior High, and unlike Sudden Death it has held up surprisingly well. 

Here's Jean-Claud fighting a godamned giant penguin

16. Return of the Living Dead (1985)

Fuck yeah!

Night of the Living Dead was written by two Pittsburgians in 1968. George A. Romero followed it up with Dawn of the Dead, and co-writer John A. Russo wrote Return of the Living Dead.  The script for Return of the Living Dead sold in Hollywood, but the studio thought it was too serious and jettisoned everything but the name.  The studio then turned to Dan O’Bannon (the guy that wrote Alien) to turn Return of the Living Dead into a comedy (a comedy that still managed to scare my wife.)  Also brains; or should I say brrrrrrrraaaaaaiiiinnnzzz!!! I’ve seen countless zombie movies, and off the top of my head this is the only one where the zombies actually moan their famous catchphrase.  This film also boasts one of the best “girl taking her clothes off in a cemetery” scenes I’ve ever seen. BONUS FACT: my DVD case for this movie glows in the dark.  It wasn’t advertised or anything, just a little bonus feature I discovered about a year after I bought the movie. Cool.

15. Dawn of the Dead (2003)

This is pretty much what my nightmares look like

When I heard they were remaking Dawn of the Dead I was incredulous to say the least.  They were remaking the zombie classic “Dawn of the Dead” with running zombies?  Count me out.  Then they released a preview of the first five minutes of the film and it looked fucking awesome.  It was great: in a matter of minutes the whole world comes apart at the seams: a little roller-blading enthusiasts with no lips bite dudes in the neck, and people get eaten alive. The rest of the movie was awesome too, but it had a few parts that were kind of dumb, like the zombie baby (that was fucking stupid.) Zach Snyder has never been the darling of the critics, but in my book the intro to Dawn of the Dead earns him the right to make whatever movie he wants till the end of time.  Anyone else notice that Max Hedroom was in the movie?

Moments before he turned into a z-z-z-zombie

14.  Freddy vs. Jason (2003)

I kind of wish the tile was “Freddy v. Jason” so it would sound like a legal drama, and then total squares would rent the movie expecting some boring courtroom movie with lots of stupid speeches and get their nuts rocked off.  The plot may be ludicrous and the characters may be stupid, but it doesn’t matter at all.  This movie is about Freddy and Jason fighting each other, and by God it delivers.  As perfect as it is, the movie took a surprisingly long time to come out.  New Line and Paramount were in talks to make a crossover film as early as 1987.  In 1989 New Line acquired the rights to the Jason Vorhees character and didn’t do anything towards making a crossover film until they teased us with Freddy’s arm in Jason Goes to Hell (1993).  Ten years later the movie finally came out.  It was kind of like Duke Nukem Forever or Chinese Democracy, except it wasn’t disappointing on every level.  The movie went on to make $113 million at the box office.  Immediately there were rumors of a sequel in the works.  Since then there’s been a whole lotta nothing on that front, but hey it only took 16 years to make the first Freddy vs. Jason.  I’m sure I can look forward to another one in 2019.  Fuck.  Why won’t these people let me give them my money?

This was going to be the sequel to Freddy vs. Jason.  It would have been the greatest movie of all time.

13. Night of the Living Dead (1968)

Black people are cool

Night of the Living Dead is the first modern zombie movie.  Before Night of the Living Dead zombie movies were about hoodoo and black magic, witch doctors and such.  Night of the Living Dead made zombies into the flesh eating ghouls we know and love today.  It’s also one of the first horror movies to have a black guy that wasn’t just monster-fodder.  The black dude is the only person in the entire movie that the audience can identify with, and he kicks the shit out of zombies.    Generally I try not to get too nuts prattling on about how influential a film is.  I mean, Birth of a Nation is about as important and influential a film there is that doesn’t make it good.  Night of the Living Dead on the other hand is very good, and it’s public domain.  You can usually find copies of the film for less than $5 and they usually show it on PBS completely uncut around this time of year, or you can wait till March.  I don't know if they still do this, but on PBS Chicago they used to show Night of the Living Dead  with a green tint around St. Patrick’s Day.  I guess there weren’t enough public domain Irish movies.

Zombie raid!

12. The Devil’s Rejects (2005)

The Devil’s Rejects is a direct sequel to Rob Zombie’s directorial debut House of 1000 Corpses, and it’s better in every way.  In fact, the only thing I really liked in House of 1000 Corpses was the part where you see Sheri Moon Zombie’s ass.  But it's a moot point because in The Devil’s Rejects she wears jeans with a bunch of rips in the back so you kind of see her butt anytime she has her back to the camera.  House of a 1000 Corpses was also just kind of a run of the mill “attractive 20-somnethings find psychotic hillbillies” movie, although it was an exceptionally sick version of that movie.  The Devil’s Rejects is different.  It’s still a sick movie: there are no good guys and the bad guys are truly evil, but this time they have “character development” and “motivation.”  It would be easy for a film like this to descend into nihilistic savagery, but The Devil’s Rejects balances the bleak violence with just enough humor to let you catch your breath.  The movie also has the best use of Freebird anywhere.  In fact, whenever I hear Freebird I always think about The Devil's Rejects for at least a few of the song's nine and a half minutes.

This was the only part of House of 1000 Corpses I watched more than once.  I still didn't remember that Dwight from the Office was in the movie

11.  Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (1986)

Remember when I talked about how The Devil’s Rejects used humor to balance out the stark violence?  Well there’s none of that here.  Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer is about a serial killer.  He murders people because he’s crazy.  He doesn’t even seem to enjoy it as much as I enjoy a tasty beer.  It’s just kind of what he does.  Filmed in Chicago in the 1980’s you get some great shots of the city in that era.  Remember when Lower Wacker had those weird green lights?  That was fucking creepy looking.  As much as I hate to spoil anything I must warn you of one particularly disturbing scene.  Near the end of the film Henry goes into a convenience store and the clerk says “How ‘bout those Bears?”  Henry replies, “Fuck the Bears.”  What kind of monster talks like that?  Raping and murdering an entire family is one thing, but let’s not say things we can’t take back.  Talk about harsh.

Two guys that don't "Bear Down" on Sunday.  This isn't even the 5th creepiest scene of the movie.

Almost done.  40 movies down and only 10 to go before Halloween.

Until Next time remember, Danzig still wants your Skull

Dan's Top Horror Movies 30-21

Throughout the month of October I’m counting down my 50 favorite horror movie.  If you’re just joining me now you can check out 50-41 here or 40-31 here.

  

30.  Night of the Living Dead (1990)

One of the most influential shows in my life was “Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs.”  Every week Joe Bob would show two horror movies and during the commercial breaks he would intersperse the films with jokes and commentary.  It was the first place I saw a lot of classics, like From Beyond, Motel Hell, and Carrie.  But the first movie I saw on Monstervision was the Night of the Living Dead remake, and I loved it.  I’d seen a few horror movies before, but NOTLD was different.  I’ve been obsessed with horror movies ever since.  Critics were kind of harsh on the movie, calling it “unnecessary.”  I dunno about that, what’s wrong with having another Night of the Living Dead anyway?  The only thing I would criticize the film for was the dyke-y haircut of the female lead.  It’s like a red Moe Howard cut. 

Moe knows horror movies

29.  A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

The Nightmare on Elm Street franchise descended into silliness and self parody at a much quicker rate the Friday the 13^th series, which is surprising because from the beginning the Friday the 13^th movies were fucking stupid and the first Elm Street movie was scary and awesome.  Nightmare on Elm Street is about a child murderer that gets burned to death by the parents that live on Elm Street.  His ghost takes revenge by invading the dreams of the children on Elm Street and murdering them.  The film is nearly perfect, except for the stupid bullshit tacked on ending.  It made no sense in the context of the film, and left the door open for numerous shitty sequels.  Next thing you know Freddy is zinging one-liners and doing stupid bullshit like going into videogames.  If you must watch any of the sequels I’d say check out Wes Craven’s New Nightmare or Part 3: The Dream Warriors.  Dokken did the song for Dream Warriors.  Dokken sucks.

Here's Freddy in a fucking video game.  This is an actual still from a financially successful film.

28.  White Zombie (1932)

Bela Legosi is at his creepiest in this delightful voodoo romp.  In fact, it’s kind of surprising that any of the other characters ever trust him. He looks like Dracula after all, and he’s got that creepy pointy beard. His character’s name is Murder Legendre for Chrissakes.  I guess that’s the kind of name you’d expect a guy that turns people into zombies for a living to have, but I still wouldn’t exactly invite him over for pizza and pop.  Almost all surviving prints of White Zombie are of dubious quality, but I find that the tinny sound and grainy picture kind of add to the overall dark atmosphere of the film.  At only 69 minutes the film moves quickly, and yet they still manage to cram the film full of hilariously outdated racial stereotypes.  Noticeably absent from the film was a jigsaw man that turns the world around with the skeleton hand, or a guy with dreadlocks that says “yeah” all the time.   It shows up “On Demand” with Comcast from time to time (as of this writing it’s currently available) and it’s public domain so you can usually find it on DVD for less than $5, so you should definitely check it out.

"Pull the strings!!!"

27. Bride of Re-Animator (1990)

Hubba-hubba

Lots of serious H.P. Lovecraft fans hate the Re-Animator movies, because they have a serious stick up their ass.  Furthermore, most serious Lovecraft fans think “Herbert West Re-Animator” is one of Lovecraft’s worst because it’s accessible and actually kind of funny.  Their loss.  Bride of Re-Animator is noticeably sillier than the first film, but just as violent (assuming you watch the unrated version.) The bad guy in the movie looks exactly like former Presidential hopeful John Kerry, only he’s an undead severed head, meaning he’s far more vibrant and full of life than the Senator from Massachusetts.  I would be remiss if I talked about Bride of Re-Animater without telling you all, that Alotta Fagina from the first Austin Powers movie, takes her top off.  It’s just as cool as you thought it would be when you were 13.

26. Candyman (1992)

 Candyman takes place in the scariest place that ever existed, Cabrini Green in the early 90’s.  Today the Cabrini Green Housing Project is a vacant lot in a yuppified neighborhood, but back in the day there were snipers.  Literally snipers.  Candyman is about Virginia Madsen’s investigation of an urban legend originating in Cabrini Green about a black guy with a hook for a hand that spits bees all over the place, as if a black guy in Cabrini Green wasn’t scary enough already.  The film is based on a Clive Barker story and handles the subject of urban legends much better than the turdfest “Urban Legend.”  You also see Virginia Madsen’s booby.

Cabrini Green was so tough even this map has "street-talk" on it.

25. Dead Alive (1992)

Zombie baby, fuck yeah!

Dead Alive isn’t the first zombie comedy on this list and it won’t be the last.  It’s set in New Zealand in the 1950’s, but the movie is so awesome it took like 5 viewings before I realized it was a period piece.  The movie is seriously pretty sick, with zombies porking, zombie babies, and a priest doing kung-fu.  When I reviewed The Frightners I said it was easy to see why Peter Jackson got the LOTR job.  After watching Dead Alive it’s hard to see how a studio could justify giving someone who made such a sick awesome movie hundreds of millions of dollars to make the biggest trilogy since Star Wars.  If you’re a fan of zombie movies I guarantee you will like Dead Alive.  If you’re not a fan of zombie movies, I seriously wonder why you’re still reading my list.

24. The Crazies (2010)

Horror remakes have become a trend over the last decade or so, but unlike the piece-of-shit Psycho remake The Crazies is awesome.  The Crazies (1973) is a perfect example of the kind of movie to remake; a lesser known movie with good idea that wasn’t done as well as it could’ve been.   Personally I love George A. Romero’s version, but I like how Breck Eisner updated the original by adding terrifying shit (not jack-off noises) like a dude with a pitchfork stabbing defenseless hospital patients or the crazy dude with a shotgun at the Little League game.  Scary as that is, what makes The Crazies so good is the characters.   The main characters are all relatable and not dumb as a box of hammers, so I actually gave a shit whether they lived or died.  Interestingly, The Crazies is also the only horror movie I can think of off the top of my head set in Iowa.  I guess the film is supposed to take place in a small town in the middle of nowhere, and Iowa is about as nowhere as it gets.  But still, Iowa?  Actually come to think of it, that’s not that interesting.

23. American Werewolf in London (1981)

If the guy that made Animal House and the guy that made the music video for Thriller teamed up and made a movie it would probably look something like American Werewolf in London, which is exactly what happened (they were both directed by John Landis.)  AWIL isn’t quite as funny as Animal House or quite as scary as the video for Thriller (I was like 4 the first time I saw it,) but it’s probably the best werewolf movie ever made.  It even won an Oscar for the special effects.  American Werewolf in London is about SPOILER ALERT: an American that gets turned into a werewolf in London.  As I’ve discussed many times before, werewolves are a serious problem. As I’ve discussed very few times before, the chick in this movie is a total babe.  Why was she was only in like two movies, but there’s like 10 Kate Hudson “comedies” every fucking year? 

"I saw a werewolf at Trader Vic's.  His hair was perfect."

22. Dagon (2001)

Another H.P. Lovecraft adaptation, this time from my favorite short story “The Shadow Over Innsmouth.”  This film probably the closest to portrayal of H.P. Lovecraft’s vision of epic horror on film; there are powerful old gods that are indifferent to the fate of humanity, moreover the human race is not special or important.  Civilization is at best temporary, and if by some miracle the human race lives on, it will degenerate into amorality and cannibalism.  It’s that level of bleakness on a grand scale that makes Lovecraft, and Dagon so scary.  Stuart Gordon directed Dagon, his third Lovecraft adaptation after From Beyond and the original Re-Animator.* Like his previous adaptations, Dagon is a horror classic with plenty of gore, a good script and totally hot babes.

*Gordon also directed “Honey I Shrunk the Kids,” although originally based on Lovecraft’s “Cthulhu Rising” all references to demonic six-headed goats and women coupling with octopi were ultimately left on the cutting room floor.  Fucking censorship man.

21. Silence of the Lambs (1991)

Silence of the Lambs is generally considered to be a “thriller” and not a horror movie. I don’t really buy it.  The movie is about the search for a serial killer that’s skinning fat girls and turning them into clothing.  There’s even a part where a chick is being chased through the dark by a maniac in night-vision-goggles.  I guess it was thrilling, but I’d mostly just call it scary.  I don’t see how it could be anything but a horror movie, except maybe a comedy, but I'm kind of a sick fuck.  I think the real issue is that Silence of the Lambs won five Oscars, including best actor, actress, director, screenplay, and best picture.  Critics would never let a horror movie win best picture, so they call it a “thriller.”  Thriller is a bullshit category anyway.  The list of the highest rated thrillers on IMDB includes Terminator 2, Pulp Fiction, Black Swan and Die Hard.  Does that make any fucking sense?  To confuse matters further the song and video for Thriller is about horror movies.

"I'd fuck me."

30 horror movies down, and only 20 to go before Halloween.  Until next time remember...

Danzig wants your skull.

Dan's Top Horror Movies 40-31

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I love Halloween

I'm counting down my 50 favorite horror movies through the month of October (Part 1 is here.)

40. Carrie (1976)

In Carrie Sissy Spacek plays Carrie, a girl with dirty pillows.  Like many high school girls Carrie is going through her “awkward phase.”  Her situation isn’t helped any by the nasty cunty bitches at her school or her crazy religious mother, whom drinks all the time and routinely locks Carrie in the prayer closet.  I may not know much about parenting, but that seems like the way to go; drink, complain about sin, and if my kids get mouthy I’ll just through them in the prayer closet.  As long as they don’t have telekinetic powers, and no one pushes them over the edge I’ll be just fine…

Taking Carrie to the prom is my favorite euphemism for menstration

39. The Frighteners (1996)

This is the movie that got Peter Jackson the Lord of the Rings gig, and it’s easy to see why.  I rented the Frighteners when it came out, and it’s the last movie I can really remember renting and watching over and over again (other than The Crying Game.)  Michael J. Fox plays Frank Bannister, a man that can see ghosts.  He uses mostly uses this ability to run a ghostbusting con job with his ghost buddies, until people start getting murdered.  Then the fun really begins.  The Frighteners is funny, kind of gruesome and above all cool.  It’s rated R but I’d definitely show it to kids.  I’m proud of myself for getting through this whole review without making even one joke about Parkinson’s disease.  

What a hot bitch

38.  Killer Klowns From Outer Space (1988)

My wife objected to the inclusion of this movie on my list, but I love this movie so here it is.  This movie has a lot going for it. I mean, as I touched on with Poltergeist lots of people find Clowns (Klowns) scary.  Personally, I’m not a little pussy so I don’t, but lots of people do.  That being said, the movie still has a few genuinely creepy moments, and everything about it is great.  When the Killer Klowns need to track down intruders to their spaceship they make smell-hounds out of balloon doggies.  Hilarious, right?  If nothing else, that kind of attention to detail sets Killer Klowns head and shoulders above your average horror movie, that and the lady klowns with giant inflatable boobies.      

"What about me Danny?  I'm a gay rapist and murderer."

37. Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)

Still awkward

It took me a long time to figure out that Gary Oldman was one of my favorite actors.  He plays characters that look and act different in every movie, and he can carry any movie he’s in (except of course for the shittastic Lost in Space Movie.) In Francis Ford Coppola’s retelling of the vampire classic he plays Dracula and he’s totally awesome.  Not even Keanu Reeves can bring this movie down.  My only major gripe with this movie comes from the first time I watched it, with my mom.  That lesbian vampire orgy scene was kind of uncomfortable to watch, and to this day I can never watch it without feeling kind of awkward.  That being said, this film inspired one of my favorite segments in The Simpsons’ Treehouse of Horror, and for that alone it’s worth checking out.

36. Cabin Fever (2002)

One of my buddies at work was talking about how if a girl came to his place to watch a movie he’d pop in “Rules of Attraction” and every time he did he’d manage to get lucky.  When he told me that I thought back to times I insisted that girls watch “Clockwork Orange” or “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”  Ughh.  “Cabin Fever” was the first movie my wife and I saw together in the theater.  If you haven’t seen it, Cabin Fever is about a bunch of twenty-somethings that get a flesh eating virus that makes them melt into blood.  It’s a testament to our relationship that my wife not only continued to date me after she saw the film, but she actually liked it.  Sweet.  Cabin Fever launched the career of Eli Roth, which has been kind of a mixed blessing to say the least.  After watching Cabin Fever it’s easy to see why they let him make another movie.  After watching Hostel, it’s hard to see how the American public didn’t rise up and kill Eli Roth in a mob action.

35.  Psycho (1960)

Another movie that should probably be higher on the list, but I couldn’t think of where to put it.  Psycho is kind of the prototypical slasher movie.  What sets it apart is that it’s pretty much better in every way.  Since 1960 Psycho has been ripped off countless times, most notably a shot-for-shot remake in 1998.  The most notable change in the remake was the addition of jack-off noises when Norman Bates is peeping in the bathroom.  Who decided that was a good idea?  Did someone sit down and watch Alfred Hitchcock’s masterpiece and say, “Ya’ know what?  Great movie.  There was just something missing…I know what it was, dick stroking sounds.  Took me right out of the movie.  Norman was staring at Janet Leigh’s massive jugs, and I didn’t hear an auditory clue that he might be choking the bishop.  Let’s spend a few million dollars to correct this problem.  Get Vince Vaughn on the phone.”  Often imitated but never truly duplicated, Psycho shows why Alfred Hitchcock was one of the best.

"Fap-Fap-Fap-Fap-Fap..." Disgusting

34.  The Exorcist (1973)

I heard that The Exorcist is pretty close to actual Catholic rites for an exorcism.  As a Catholic all I have to say is, Episcopalians ain’t got shit on us.  In all seriousness though, when a religion includes rites for dealing with demonic possession AND the book of Revelations do we really need to go completely off the grid with movies like Stigmata?  Isn’t there enough material out there already?  Well, unlike all those crappy Catholic conspiracy movies The Exorcist rules.  The Exorcist uses every trick in the book, from the creepy soundtrack, to gross out scenes, and “subliminal images,” all to make the scariest movie possible.  The proof is in the pudding, The Exorcist holds up 30 years later and the only thing anyone remembers about The DaVinci Code was Tom Hanks’ hair.  Also, remember when they used to play “Tubular Bells” at Hawks games?  That was kind of weird, right?

33. 28 Days Later (2002)

It's about damn time

Shot on digital video, in the land of funny accents 28 Days Later doesn’t exactly scream box office gold, but its unexpected success helped kick off the zombie boom we’ve been enjoying for the last decade or so.  When it came out I think I saw it at least twice in the theater.  As much as I enjoyed the film I do take issue with a few minor points.  For a movie about bloodthirsty monsters there’s hardly any gore or madcap bloodletting.  In fact the most violent scene of the movie is when a regular guy, not a rage infected maniac, drives his thumbs into another dude’s eye sockets.  28 Days Later is also one of those horror movies where the director kept trying to claim wasn’t a horror movie.  As a fan of the genre I take a little offense when someone acts like their zombie movie is Sophie’s Choice (Sophie's Choice is not a horror movie.)

32.  Alien (1979)

  If you’ve never seen Alien before, and you’d like to get the full effect don’t look up a plot summary on IMDB or anything and just go see it.  Remember it’s Alien singular not plural.  The biggest surprise in the film doesn’t have nearly as big of a punch if you know absolutely anything about the Alien franchise.  Unfortunately for me I saw Aliens before Alien.  I kind of knew everything that was going to happen.  It was still pretty awesome.  Near the end of the movie you totally see a close-up of a young Sigourney Weaver’s butt in tiny panties.  I’d post a screen shot, but that part of my VHS tape is all stretched out and snowy for some reason.  Remember when you had to adjust the tracking for movies?  Kids today…

Cutting edge special FX

31. The Dead Next Door (1989)

Black Friday or zombie apocalypse?

At one point in The Dead Next Door a group of zombie rights advocates are protesting outside the Zombie Squad building.  The Zombie Squad is the government agency in charge of killing zombies, which is kind of hard because according to the rules established in the film zombies can’t be killed.  Anyway a horde of zombies shows up and eats all the protesters.  That kind encapsulates what The Dead Next Door is all about: extreme violence, dark humor, and things that don’t completely make sense (why does the Zombie Squad go around shooting zombies if they can’t be killed?) Mix that all together with a Jim Jones inspired death cult, and you’ve got one sweet zombie movie.  Although parts of the film may seem inconsistent the movie’s awesomeness is totally consistent.

UPDATE: Part 3, movies 30 through 21 is located here.

One of the worst shows on television, but a good costume none the less.

Dan's Top 50 Horror Movies 50-41

God, I love Halloween

I'm a big fan of the genre, and Halloween is nigh, so I thought I'd share my list of my favorite horror movies.  I don't guarantee that these are the best horror movies of all time, but they're certainly my favorites assembled in order from least favoritest to most favoritest. 

50.  Hellraiser (1987)/Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988)

Hellraiser is about a girl who accidentally summons the creepiest of God’s creations: The Cenobites, to shoot chains all over the place and scare the shit out of everyone.  I’ll put it like this; Pinhead is the like 3^rd creepiest looking Cenobite, and he’s nowhere near the most disturbing thing in the movie.  Hellraiser is crazy and weird, but it’s based on a Clive Barker story so it’s kind of grounded in a plot.  Hellraiser II on the other hand is completely fucking insane.  There are people running around with no skin and lampreys with spinning blades for teeth.  I don’t do drugs, but based on what I learned in D.A.R.E if you show this movie to someone on PCP they will murder you and eat your eyes. Sidenote:  Why does spellcheck know the word Cenobite?  What kind of sick fucks work at Microsoft?   

Yup, it's that kind of movie

49.  Carnival of Souls (1962)

Sometimes a whole town will come together against all odds to make a little independent film.  Usually said film will be a piece of shit like Boggy Creek II: The Legend continues, but every once in a while you get a gem like Carnival of Souls.  Watching it today, the film is still impressive even though a lot of the more interesting elements of the plot have been ripped off by other movies over the course of the last 50 years.  Still, the movie has a creepy vibe and atmosphere that can’t be imitated, not even by Boggy Creek II.  (Talk about your all time crappiest movie monsters.  It looked like Chewbacca in a dollar store Halloween mask.  Fuck that movie.)

48.  Blood Feast (1963)

Back before the MPAA existed Hollywood was ruled by the so-called “Hays Code.”  Instead of giving films ratings (e.g. PG-13) they simply did not allow movies to be made with anything that Hollywood’s self censorship board deemed “objectionable.”  Thing was, back in ’63 the Hays Office had all sorts of rules about nudity, blasphemy, and interracial romance but very few rules about violence.  Director H.G. Lewis recognized this loophole in the code and decided to make a movie about an Egyptian caterer that hacks off women’s limbs to sacrifice to his “Egyptian” goddess Ishtar.  Thus the slasher movie was born.  Viewed today, the movie can be seen as an allegory for Western intervention in the Middle East.  Not really.  If you want to watch a bloody movie with comically bad acting you should definitely check out Blood Feast.  If you want to watch a movie about Western interference in the Middle East check out Aladdin 2.

47.  Redneck Zombies (1989)

Sorry, the woman on the box isn't in the movie

Redneck Zombies boasts of being the first feature length film to be distributed nationally that was shot on tape and not film, meaning it has about the production value of a SyFy Channel original movie.  What sets Redneck Zombies apart from other similar movies is that it’s a comedy, and not just a tongue-in-cheek piece of shit.  Instead of a using an schlocky inflatable pterodactyl “special effect” to get a cheap laugh the dialog has what’s known in the industry as “jokes” and the plot has what some would call “humorous situations”  Stop ripping off Ed Wood, you no talent hacks.  I mean, ripping off Ed Wood? Fuck, what is this world coming to?  I used to watch Redneck Zombies a lot, but unfortunately someone borrowed my copy and never returned it.  If you’re reading this now please check your DVD collection for my copy of Redneck Zombies.  It’s the one with the zombie I drew on a blank DVD case with a red magic marker. 

46.  The Invisible Man (1933)

Most classics are classics for a reason, and The Invisible Man is no exception.  Creepy and atmospheric like most of the Universal horror classics (e.g. The Wolfman, Frankenstein) the film is helped tremendously by the special effects and Claude Rains’ (Captain Louis Renault from Casablanca) performance in the titular (tee hee) role.  Based on a novel by Ralph Ellison, the film departs drastically from the source material.  Honestly, the book was kind of depressing and didn’t actually have an invisible man in it at all.  It just had some black dude. 

The Invisible Man?

45.  The Stuff (1985)

"My daddy was a miner and I'm a miner's son..."

The Stuff is a brilliant parody of consumer culture in the United States.  Some miner’s are out defusing Statego bombs when out from the ground comes a bubbling sludge.  Stuff that is.  White gold.  Texas …ugh..coolwhip?  They inadvertently discover that the stuff tastes pretty good, and before you know it “The Stuff” has become the number one snack in the United States; however it turns out that weird white shit some hillbilly miners find in the ground might not be good for you, tasty as it is.  The Stuff is definitely a diamond in the rough, and to my knowledge it’s the only movie in the world that Garrett Morris was ever in.  Fun fact: The Stuff is not a sequel to The Right Stuff.

"Yes, have some."

44.  Poltergeist (1982)

Remember when the TV used to just play the National Anthem at the end of the night and go to static?  Those were the days.  Now we have goddamned infomercials for toothbrush sterilizers and other shit no one could possibly need.  Anyway, in the movie Poltergeist, when the TV station signs off for the night ghosts show up and terrorize Craig T. Nelson and his family.  This movie is often credited, along with Stephen King’s “It,” and that nightmare part in PeeWee’s Big adventure, for making an entire generation terrified of clowns.  A box office hit, and critical success (three Oscar nominations) Poltergeist is a 1980’s horror classic.  Poltergeist was directed by Tobe Hooper (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) and produced by Steven Spielberg (1941.)  Spielberg tended to imply that he directed the movie in interviews, and resultantly reaped the lion’s share of the credit for the success of Poltergeist.  Tobe Hooper on the other hand had to go back to B-movies (like the hella-sweet Lifeforce.)  Personally, I don’t think Spielberg was ever sick enough to put a lot of the cool shit (Craig T. Nelson smoking weed, rotten corpses in the swimming pool) that makes Poltergeist so awesome.

"Smoke weed everyday."

43.  Jaws

We need a bigger boat

I watch Jaws pretty much every time that I see it’s on television.  The only reason it’s not higher on the list is because I don’t think it completely fits into the category of “horror movie.”  It’s a problem I struggled with throughout the compilation of this list.  It always pisses me off when I see a list some critic’s list of horror movies missing gems like “Army of Darkness,” but full of movies like “Flowers in the Attic” (huh?).  Generally, I think I know a horror movie when I see one, but for some reason that I can’t entirely explain I don’t really consider Jaws a horror movie.  I mean, it’s certainly scary.  I find sharks to be the single most terrifying thing in the world.  I do not like to go to deep in the ocean because I am worried, like a little kid, that sharks will eat me.  Jaws plays on that fear to great effect, and it should probably be higher on the list.

42.  Friday the 13^th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan

This kind of puts things in perspective doesn’t it?  Every movie included on this list so far is by any measurable criteria better than Jason Takes Manhattan.  So why is “Jason takes Manhattan” number 43 on my list?  Well, it’s the stupidest and therefore funniest Friday the 13^th movie (before the franchise descended into self parody with Jason X.)  There are those that would argue that Part I and Jason Goes to Hell are better movies, and they’d most certainly be right, but none of the Friday the 13th movies are good movies so who gives a shit?   My buddy Brian argues that Part IV: The Final Chapter is more iconic, and that’s also true.  But I like Jason Takes Manhattan the most.

The city of New York sued over this poster, for serious

41.  The Fly (1986)

The Fly is a remake of a Vincent Price movie of the same name, but this time it’s directed by David Cronenberg (Naked Lunch) so it’s weird, gross and awesome all at the same time.  The Fly stars Jeff Goldblum, playing a quirky Jewish scientist.  Shocking, I know.  Ian Malcolm David Levinson Seth Brundle  Jeff Goldblum meets Geena Davis at a party and naturally wants to impress (sleep with) her.  So he shows her some scientific experiments, and Geena Davis starts sleeping with him, based on his amazing scientific prowess.  Just like real life, nerds.  Unfortunately, the scientific magic combined Jeff’s DNA with that of a housefly turning Jeff Goldblum into an oozing, barfing mess with no fingernails.  Still, he got to sleep with Geena Davis, in the movie and real life.  The film is helped by strong direction, solid acting, and the best special makeup effects you’ll ever see in a movie.  You should definitely check it out, just don’t watch it during dinner, especially if you eat donuts for dinner. Fatty.

I'd tamper with God's laws for her too.

Well that’s it for now.  10 down and 40 to go before Halloween. 

UPDATE: Part 2 (40-31) is here.

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Old Style Light

"What do...you MEAN I can't buy Cheetos with...foooood STAMPS?!?"

I do most of my grocery shopping at Fairplay.  It’s closer than Jewel, cheaper than Jewel, and they have better meat and produce.  The only thing I don’t like is all the weirdos that shop there: Polish mental patients, toothless hillrods, and fat chicks in zebra print spandex.  It’s like a 2,000 Maniacs cast reunion crossed with cousin Balki crossed with a gas leak.  Anyway, a little over a week ago I was shopping at Fairplay and won the beer lottery (see previous post.)  I figured I’d take full advantage of the situation and knock out reviews of Old Style and Old Style Light for pennies on the dollar.  I grabbed my beer and made my way to the checkout.  I was pretty excited by my purchase and even more excited by the teenage boy bagging my groceries. 

The important thing to remember when seducing a teenage boy is to

     

                             

                                           and then make him promise not to tell anyone or you’ll murder his whole family.

Back to the subject at hand: Old Stlye Light.  Since my last post a couple weeks ago, a rumor has floated around that Old Style might be ending their long partnership with the Chicago Cubs to divert those advertising dollars towards promoting Old Style Light.  I read an article on the subject in the Associated Press and it was clearly written by a chick.  Observe:

“Some of the so-called bleacher bums stop drinking it [Old Style] only long enough to sing “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” during the seventh-inning stretch…”

Does she really need to wear cleats?

Really?  I thought they stopped serving beer in the seventh inning in every major league ballpark.  How the fuck do the “so-called bleacher bums” keep drinking after the seventh-inning stretch if they stop selling beer?  It gets better:

“…Fred Kist, a 59-year-old suburban Chicago resident who grew up an Ernie Banks home run away from the park…”

That sentence fragment makes even less in the context it was written in.  I had to read that sentence twice before I could suss out that Fred Kist lived in Wrigleyville.  The author was so desperate to cram her article full of bullshit baseball references that it didn’t make any fucking sense.  Is Fred Kist the subject or is Ernie Banks?  Are we talking about homeruns or where the gentleman lives?  No one talks like that.

Other than Old Style, the only thing I like about the Chicago Cubs

I saw this movie in the theater

The rest of the article is laced with baseball references as subtle as Dennis Rodman’s basketball jokes in Double Team, without any of the deep belly laughs that are so often associated with the witty dialog in a Jean-Claude Van Damme film.  As far as the rumor goes, it seems to be just that, a rumor.  And judging by the anger of the “so-called bleacher bums” in the article it would also probably be a stupid idea to sacrifice a partnership Cub fans hold as dear as Ron Santo’s wooden leg (see what I did there?) just to promote Old Style Light.

Personally, I was not looking forward to reviewing Old Style Light.  As a general rule I find that light beer tastes like a hot fart mixed with seltzer water, and typically, the best light beers don’t taste like anything.  Old Style Light is different, because Old Style Light actually tastes good.  It’s without a doubt the best light beer I’ve ever had.  I’m just as surprised as anyone else.  It’s 30 calories and five carbs lighter than your standard Old Style, and still tastes kind of like Old Style.  To be sure I’d still rather have the original, but if you’re on a diet I would definitely recommend Old Style Light, lest you end up as fat as Carlos Zambrano’s disgusting head.

I found a really bad photo of Zambrano, but I got too disgusted to post it.  Here's Karen Gillan.

 In the end, I’m shocked how much I ended up enjoying Old Style Light.  If you ever go to Fairplay looking for a high quality light beer, I’d say pick some up.  Just try not to make eye contact with anyone, or the other customers will think you’re putting a hex on them and murder you.   But while you’re there, if you happen to see a boy with bad skin and an overbite bagging your groceries tell him I said, “hi,” and “Dan wants his Metallica shirt back.”

Now that's what I call an old style light.  Get it!?  It's a light for the old fashioned Game Boys.  It wouldn't even fit on the 3DS.  I slay me.

Here's a picture I never found room for in my last two posts.