Sunday, September 11, 2011

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Old Style Light

"What MEAN I can't buy Cheetos with...foooood STAMPS?!?"
I do most of my grocery shopping at Fairplay.  It’s closer than Jewel, cheaper than Jewel, and they have better meat and produce.  The only thing I don’t like is all the weirdos that shop there: Polish mental patients, toothless hillrods, and fat chicks in zebra print spandex.  It’s like a 2,000 Maniacs cast reunion crossed with cousin Balki crossed with a gas leak.  Anyway, a little over a week ago I was shopping at Fairplay and won the beer lottery (see previous post.)  I figured I’d take full advantage of the situation and knock out reviews of Old Style and Old Style Light for pennies on the dollar.  I grabbed my beer and made my way to the checkout.  I was pretty excited by my purchase and even more excited by the teenage boy bagging my groceries. 

The important thing to remember when seducing a teenage boy is to


                                           and then make him promise not to tell anyone or you’ll murder his whole family.

Back to the subject at hand: Old Stlye Light.  Since my last post a couple weeks ago, a rumor has floated around that Old Style might be ending their long partnership with the Chicago Cubs to divert those advertising dollars towards promoting Old Style Light.  I read an article on the subject in the Associated Press and it was clearly written by a chick.  Observe:

“Some of the so-called bleacher bums stop drinking it [Old Style] only long enough to sing “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” during the seventh-inning stretch…”

Does she really need to wear cleats?
Really?  I thought they stopped serving beer in the seventh inning in every major league ballpark.  How the fuck do the “so-called bleacher bums” keep drinking after the seventh-inning stretch if they stop selling beer?  It gets better:

“…Fred Kist, a 59-year-old suburban Chicago resident who grew up an Ernie Banks home run away from the park…”

That sentence fragment makes even less in the context it was written in.  I had to read that sentence twice before I could suss out that Fred Kist lived in Wrigleyville.  The author was so desperate to cram her article full of bullshit baseball references that it didn’t make any fucking sense.  Is Fred Kist the subject or is Ernie Banks?  Are we talking about homeruns or where the gentleman lives?  No one talks like that.
Other than Old Style, the only thing I like about the Chicago Cubs

I saw this movie in the theater
The rest of the article is laced with baseball references as subtle as Dennis Rodman’s basketball jokes in Double Team, without any of the deep belly laughs that are so often associated with the witty dialog in a Jean-Claude Van Damme film.  As far as the rumor goes, it seems to be just that, a rumor.  And judging by the anger of the “so-called bleacher bums” in the article it would also probably be a stupid idea to sacrifice a partnership Cub fans hold as dear as Ron Santo’s wooden leg (see what I did there?) just to promote Old Style Light.

Personally, I was not looking forward to reviewing Old Style Light.  As a general rule I find that light beer tastes like a hot fart mixed with seltzer water, and typically, the best light beers don’t taste like anything.  Old Style Light is different, because Old Style Light actually tastes good.  It’s without a doubt the best light beer I’ve ever had.  I’m just as surprised as anyone else.  It’s 30 calories and five carbs lighter than your standard Old Style, and still tastes kind of like Old Style.  To be sure I’d still rather have the original, but if you’re on a diet I would definitely recommend Old Style Light, lest you end up as fat as Carlos Zambrano’s disgusting head.
I found a really bad photo of Zambrano, but I got too disgusted to post it.  Here's Karen Gillan.

 In the end, I’m shocked how much I ended up enjoying Old Style Light.  If you ever go to Fairplay looking for a high quality light beer, I’d say pick some up.  Just try not to make eye contact with anyone, or the other customers will think you’re putting a hex on them and murder you.   But while you’re there, if you happen to see a boy with bad skin and an overbite bagging your groceries tell him I said, “hi,” and “Dan wants his Metallica shirt back.”

Now that's what I call an old style light.  Get it!?  It's a light for the old fashioned Game Boys.  It wouldn't even fit on the 3DS.  I slay me.
Here's a picture I never found room for in my last two posts.

No comments:

Post a Comment