Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Old Style Light

"What do...you MEAN I can't buy Cheetos with...foooood STAMPS?!?"

I do most of my grocery shopping at Fairplay.  It’s closer than Jewel, cheaper than Jewel, and they have better meat and produce.  The only thing I don’t like is all the weirdos that shop there: Polish mental patients, toothless hillrods, and fat chicks in zebra print spandex.  It’s like a 2,000 Maniacs cast reunion crossed with cousin Balki crossed with a gas leak.  Anyway, a little over a week ago I was shopping at Fairplay and won the beer lottery (see previous post.)  I figured I’d take full advantage of the situation and knock out reviews of Old Style and Old Style Light for pennies on the dollar.  I grabbed my beer and made my way to the checkout.  I was pretty excited by my purchase and even more excited by the teenage boy bagging my groceries. 

The important thing to remember when seducing a teenage boy is to

     

                             

                                           and then make him promise not to tell anyone or you’ll murder his whole family.

Back to the subject at hand: Old Stlye Light.  Since my last post a couple weeks ago, a rumor has floated around that Old Style might be ending their long partnership with the Chicago Cubs to divert those advertising dollars towards promoting Old Style Light.  I read an article on the subject in the Associated Press and it was clearly written by a chick.  Observe:

“Some of the so-called bleacher bums stop drinking it [Old Style] only long enough to sing “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” during the seventh-inning stretch…”

Does she really need to wear cleats?

Really?  I thought they stopped serving beer in the seventh inning in every major league ballpark.  How the fuck do the “so-called bleacher bums” keep drinking after the seventh-inning stretch if they stop selling beer?  It gets better:

“…Fred Kist, a 59-year-old suburban Chicago resident who grew up an Ernie Banks home run away from the park…”

That sentence fragment makes even less in the context it was written in.  I had to read that sentence twice before I could suss out that Fred Kist lived in Wrigleyville.  The author was so desperate to cram her article full of bullshit baseball references that it didn’t make any fucking sense.  Is Fred Kist the subject or is Ernie Banks?  Are we talking about homeruns or where the gentleman lives?  No one talks like that.

Other than Old Style, the only thing I like about the Chicago Cubs

I saw this movie in the theater

The rest of the article is laced with baseball references as subtle as Dennis Rodman’s basketball jokes in Double Team, without any of the deep belly laughs that are so often associated with the witty dialog in a Jean-Claude Van Damme film.  As far as the rumor goes, it seems to be just that, a rumor.  And judging by the anger of the “so-called bleacher bums” in the article it would also probably be a stupid idea to sacrifice a partnership Cub fans hold as dear as Ron Santo’s wooden leg (see what I did there?) just to promote Old Style Light.

Personally, I was not looking forward to reviewing Old Style Light.  As a general rule I find that light beer tastes like a hot fart mixed with seltzer water, and typically, the best light beers don’t taste like anything.  Old Style Light is different, because Old Style Light actually tastes good.  It’s without a doubt the best light beer I’ve ever had.  I’m just as surprised as anyone else.  It’s 30 calories and five carbs lighter than your standard Old Style, and still tastes kind of like Old Style.  To be sure I’d still rather have the original, but if you’re on a diet I would definitely recommend Old Style Light, lest you end up as fat as Carlos Zambrano’s disgusting head.

I found a really bad photo of Zambrano, but I got too disgusted to post it.  Here's Karen Gillan.

 In the end, I’m shocked how much I ended up enjoying Old Style Light.  If you ever go to Fairplay looking for a high quality light beer, I’d say pick some up.  Just try not to make eye contact with anyone, or the other customers will think you’re putting a hex on them and murder you.   But while you’re there, if you happen to see a boy with bad skin and an overbite bagging your groceries tell him I said, “hi,” and “Dan wants his Metallica shirt back.”

Now that's what I call an old style light.  Get it!?  It's a light for the old fashioned Game Boys.  It wouldn't even fit on the 3DS.  I slay me.

Here's a picture I never found room for in my last two posts.

  

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Old Style

Halle Berry is 45.  It's not that old, but if you're 45 and you don't look like her I bet you feel like shit right now

I’ve always been kind of hesitant to review Old Style, mostly because it’s one of the few bottomshelf beers that I really enjoy drinking.  You see, most bottomshelf beers fall into two categories: bad and not that bad.  Old Style fits into the tiny third category: cheap beers that I really like. After this review there’s one less beer for me to look forward to.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a cold twelver of Buck Range Light as much as the next idiot, but it’s not exactly my favorite beer in the history of beer.

Swing and a miss!

The other problem with reviewing Old Style is all the Cubbie shit.  Look, I try not to be a hater, but I’m a diehard White Sox fan and it’s embarrassing to be drinking “the official beer of the Chicago Cubs” when I’m watching the Sox game at a bar.  To make matters worse, during baseball season the bottles have a plastic label that covers the entire bottle and makes it look like a Chicago Cub’s baseball bat (interestingly enough it still has a normal bottle cap and not a cork.  Fuck you Sammy Sosa!)  To compound this problem the label is really hard to get off, even if you try to slice it with your keys.  When you finally do get it off you feel kind of cool, like bootlegger drinking out of an unlabeled bottle.  That feeling quickly fades when you realize that no one gives a shit that you peeled the label off and now you have a handful of shredded plastic in front of you on the bar.

I don't agree with your shirt, but will defend to the death your right to wear it exactly the way you're wearing it right now.

So why am I reviewing Old Style now?  Well for starters, most Cub fans I know are more annoyed with the team than I’ve ever been in my entire life, and with their season all but over I don’t feel like I’m betraying my team in any way.  More importantly, there was a coupon at my local grocery store for a five dollar rebate for every case of Old Style I bought.  After rebate that’s $8 a case which translates to 33 cents a can.  It’s like I won the beer lottery.  And what will I do with my newfound fortune?  Spoiler alert: Get drunk.  

"I've got a golden ticket."

Sweet home Chicago

Back when I was a kid Old Style was the biggest beer in Chicago, and at its height the G. Heileman Brewing Company was the third biggest brewer in America right behind Anheuser-Busch and Miller.  In 1991 the company was sold to Stroh’s and then Pabst .  When PBR took off with the hipster crowd, Pabst decided to relaunch Old Style.  As part of this process they changed the artwork on the can to some bullshit brick wall, which kind of sucks.  Old Style used to have a sweet wrap around graphic of Old-Timey folks making beer that had a frog hidden in the artwork.  They also changed the formula and “authentically kraeusened” the beer, which near as I can tell from the commercials has something to do with bad Improv:

Dipshit:  If I was going to kreausen the parking meters in Chicago I would make them talk like Ron Santo when you parked your car.

Retard:  If I was going to kreausen the parking meters in Chicago I would have them dispense deep dish pizza every time you put money in.

Waka! Waka! Waka!

Hilarious.  Typically the commercials are three or four “jokes” longer.  If that wasn’t bad enough they only have like two of those commercials on the air at a time, which means that during a single baseball game you’ll hear the same hackney bullshit 7 or 8 times.  Improv is at its best live and even then it’s usually more impressive than funny.  And since radio waves are transmitted into the infinity of space, you can’t help but worry that some alien race might hear that cromedy and blow up our fucking planet.

Hideki Matsui meet Matt Suhey

Bad Improv is to comedy what juvenile AIDS is to the human race, so if I can get past that Old Style must be pretty good.  It goes down smooth with just a hint of bitterness that lets you know it’s a real beer.  It’s got a lot of flavor for a bottomshelf beer, and for once that’s a good thing.  It completely lacks the cheap-beer-poo aftertaste, and while it doesn’t taste good warm it doesn’t become non-potable at 5 degrees above freezing.  It used to be sold in 30 packs, but those have gone the way of the white running back and barefoot kicker.  It’s now most commonly sold in 24 packs, but for some reason I can’t quite explain, I think it tastes better out of a tall boy.

I guess that’s one more good beer down, and very few left to go.  I’m kind of sad to be done reviewing Old Style already, but hey, it’s not every day you win the beer lottery.  Right now I’m like the Scrooge McDuck of cheap beer and I’m going to celebrate by swimming in beers.  Do yourself a favor and get some Old Style for yourself.   

Duck Tales! Waahoo-ooo!

They have a pretty good website.  They even let you “kreausen” your own personal webpage with annoying flash animations.

Lacrosse Lager uses the old Old Style recipe and is brewed in the old Old Style brewery.  If you didn’t win the beer lottery it’s usually cheaper than Old Style so you might want to check it out.

Renovating Wrigley

I am a diehard White Sox fan.  And as such I don’t really have a dog in this race.  Sure I watch a dozen or so Cubs games a year, but 6 of them are when they play my beloved White Sox and the rest happen inadvertently when I go to the bar.  The Cubs could play in Schaumburg IL or Sydney Australia and it would affect me about the same.

Me not caring about the Cubs

 So now Tom Ricketts wants government money to rehab Wrigley?  This shouldn’t surprise anyone.  It’s now standard practice for teams to bend the tax payers over a barrel and threaten to move unless they get a rehab.  As Ricketts himself pointed out the Bears and the Sox both got theirs, so why not the Cubs?  Well unfortunately for him he’s missing the first half or that statement: they threatened to move.  The Bears talked about going to Hoffman Estates and Gary IN among other places.  The Sox WERE going to St. Petersburg.  And as many have already pointed out the Cubs couldn’t move across the street if they wanted to.  They’re tied to that neighborhood.  It’s a landmark remember?  Tourists aren’t going to go to Schaumburg, and there’s no bars worth a damn that far west (unless you count Medieval Times, which I do.)

Cool guys drinking some cool beers

 That’s not to say that threats to move are a good thing.  As a fan it makes you feel like a chump.  Being a fan is a reciprocal relationship.  I get drunk, cheer and spend money on my team and all I expect them to do is act like they give a shit that we’re out in the stands.  In the late 80s the votes were in and counted and the Sox were going to Florida.  My whole family would’ve become Brewers fans.  Seriously, fucking Brewers fans.  Do you have any idea how much that would’ve sucked?  It all shaked out okay in the end, but I take it kind of personally.  I’d still be pissed but Reinsdorf brought 7 Championships to this town (8 if you count that he’s a part owner of the Blackhawks.)

“I think it's a crime for our elected officials to borrow money today, to spend money today and push the repayment of that loan out into the future on people…”  Good point.  I couldn’t have said it better myself.  We’re in the worst recession of my lifetime and Illinois is bankrupt.  Joe Ricketts, the head of the Ricketts clan is the genius behind the Ricketts’ fortune and the genius behind the quotation.  I don’t beguile the family too much for their hypocrisy, after all this is America.  We want to have our cake and eat it too.  I’ve said lots of things about free speech in my life, but I think most people need to shut the fuck up. 

Can't have it and eat it too, the cake is a lie

  What I do take issue with is the smugness of this prick.  The Cubs sucked last year.  Wire to wire they were a shitty team, from crazy Carlos Zambrano’s opening day meltdown to the “who gives a shit” period at the end of the year, they sucked.  And all through this Ricketts said he wasn’t talking to the media or spending money.  Now that this guy wants my money he’s on Chicago Tonight and anywhere else he can get a little face time. 

But the real fuck you is his bullshit plan to raise money.  It basically breaks down like this:  The Cubs will borrow money from the state and then they’ll pay the state back with the taxes they were already going to pay.  Don’t suck my finger and call it a dick.  I’m a few credits shy of my econ degree, but there’s a little thing called opportunity cost.  That means if I spend all my money on beer I won’t have money to by food.  Big deal right? Ramen is cheap.  But on a state level if we take the money we’re going to use to pay teachers and use it to add a shopping mall to a ballpark we can’t just get drunk and halfass our way through econ.

All this is after they raise ticket prices. Say what you want about Reisndorf, but I’d rather fall ass first into a dildo factory than have Tom Ricketts as my team’s owner. If I was a Cub fan I’d be pissed, I guess I am anyway.  It won’t affect me that much; I just don’t like all the bullshit.  At least he said he’ll use union labor.