Everyone agrees werewolves are a big problem, but what does one do to kill a werewolf? I thought I'd shed some light on the situation. Most of these methods come from my own research, and have been field tested by me personally. I also consulted with the experts (idiots) in Big Dog Eat Child: Jim, Jason, Pedro, Skaj, and Steve Witkus. My wife Elyse also told me a few of her own methods she's used to kill werewolves in the past..
1. Cook some delicious bacon so the werewolf smells it and gets really hungry. Then flush it down the toilet so the werewolf will flush himself down the toilet to get the bacon.
2 Living Well
3. Take the werewolf to a screening of Inception, he will become confused and ask a bunch of questions, prompting other theater patrons to kill him.
4. Get the bad guy from Teen Wolf.
6. Inject him with diabetes.
7. Wait for him at Trader Vic’s with a shotgun full of silver buckshot.
|Werewolves of London often have Chinese menu's in their hands, also they consort with this hot chick.|
9. Kick him in the nards. Wolfman’s got nards.
10. Invent a werewolf killing robot.
11. Give him a wolfsbane filled condom.
12. Show him Van Helsing so he dies of boredom.
|Kate Beckinsale couldn't save that piece of shit movie|
14. Give him a dog collar that was made in China.
15. Rub some cocoa butter on his rock hard muscles, and uh…strangle him?
16. Cut the break lines in the Werewolf-mobile.
17. Give him some collectible Star Wars glasses from Burger King with lead paint.
18. Get him to fall in love with you, and then act emotionally distant. When he finally confronts you about it say you’ve met someone else, so he dies of a broken heart.
19. Give him silver dollars for his birthday.
20. Go back in time and kill his werewolfmother.
21. Tell him he looks fat in those jeans (only works on gay werewolves.)
22. Get him really into Sylvia Plath and leave him alone in a room containing only an oven.
23. Kindness. Kill him with kindness.
24. Ask him if he wants a silver bullet. When he says “no,” laugh in his face to make him feel stupid. Then open a Coors Light. When he gets embarrassed and says he changed his mind shoot him in the face.
|This shirt sucks. I can't even read it.|
26. Plate Tectonics.
27. Letting him play two armies but beating him at Risk anyway
28. Silverplated gold bullets.
|At least he didn't use Prox-mines.|
30. Another bigger werewolf.
32. Replace his heartworm medicine with Bit O Honey’s. Even if he doesn’t die, he still had to eat that disgusting candy.
35. Shave him so he just looks like an ugly dude instead of a werewolf. He will kill himself.
36. Get a gang of werecats to beat the shit out of him.
|All the images for "werecat" were goddamned furry fan art, so here's the chick from Teen Wolf in her underwear.|
38. Hire Boba Fett to kill the werewolf.
39. Give yourself AIDS and have sex with the werewolf.
40. Take him to Mardi Gras so he gets alcohol poisoning.
|Video games are sweet.|
45. Cut him out of the Special Edition.
46. Rent a bus and put a sign on it that says “Free Werewolf Shuttle.” Then, when the bus is full of werewolves, run it over with a monster truck. This SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY!
47. Make him role a critical failure.
48. Replace his beer with a can of molten silver.
49. Ask if he like the full moon, and when he says yes show him your butt. If that doesn’t kill him, just run away really fast.
50. Show him how lame werewolves are on World of Warcraft and give him the address to Blizzard studios. That'll keep him busy while you save up for a silver baseball bat.
Happy hunting! Well until next time kiddies, here's a picture of the Shewolf herself Shakira:
|It's a lot less cool than this looks.|