Sunday, March 20, 2011

50 Ways to Kill a Werewolf.


Everyone agrees werewolves are a big problem, but what does one do to kill a werewolf?  I thought I'd shed some light on the situation.  Most of these methods come from my own research, and have been field tested by me personally.  I also consulted with the experts (idiots) in Big Dog Eat Child: Jim, Jason, Pedro, Skaj, and Steve Witkus.  My wife Elyse also told me a few of her own methods she's used to kill werewolves in the past..

1. Cook some delicious bacon so the werewolf smells it and gets really hungry.  Then flush it down the toilet so the werewolf will flush himself down the toilet to get the bacon.

2 Living Well

3. Take the werewolf to a screening of Inception, he will become confused and ask a bunch of questions, prompting other theater patrons to kill him.

4. Get the bad guy from Teen Wolf.
5. Send him to Detroit.

6. Inject him with diabetes.

7. Wait for him at Trader Vic’s with a shotgun full of silver buckshot.
Werewolves of London often have Chinese menu's in their hands, also they consort with this hot chick.
8. Tie a chicken bone to a baby.  When the werewolf eats the baby he will choke to death.

9. Kick him in the nards. Wolfman’s got nards.

10. Invent a werewolf killing robot.

11. Give him a wolfsbane filled condom.

12. Show him Van Helsing so he dies of boredom.
Kate Beckinsale couldn't save that piece of shit movie
13. Ask him if he’s the result of a dude having sex with a wolf.  When he denies it, get louder and more insistent.  He will die of embarrassment.

14. Give him a dog collar that was made in China.

15. Rub some cocoa butter on his rock hard muscles, and uh…strangle him?
Sumthin' for the ladies, and definitely not me
16. Cut the break lines in the Werewolf-mobile.

17. Give him some collectible Star Wars glasses from Burger King with lead paint.
I really wish these were my glasses.
18. Get him to fall in love with you, and then act emotionally distant.  When he finally confronts you about it say you’ve met someone else, so he dies of a broken heart.

19. Give him silver dollars for his birthday.

20. Go back in time and kill his werewolfmother.

21. Tell him he looks fat in those jeans (only works on gay werewolves.)

22. Get him really into Sylvia Plath and leave him alone in a room containing only an oven.

23. Kindness.  Kill him with kindness.

24. Ask him if he wants a silver bullet.  When he says “no,” laugh in his face to make him feel stupid.  Then open a Coors Light.  When he gets embarrassed and says he changed his mind shoot him in the face.
This shirt sucks. I can't even read it.
25. Convince him to play truth or dare with a group of teenage alpha-females.  His self-esteem will never recover.

26. Plate Tectonics.

27. Letting him play two armies but beating him at Risk anyway

28. Silverplated gold bullets.
At least he didn't use Prox-mines.
29. Start a civil rights movement for werewolves, that leads to a case in the Supreme Court.  Invite the werewolf to give testimony in the Supreme Court building.  As he walks in the door, it turns out not to be the supreme court building at all, but a cage full of French fur trappers. Sac re bleu!

30. Another bigger werewolf.
Heed the words of Taysir, truer words were never spoken.
31. Karate kicks to the neck.

32. Replace his heartworm medicine with Bit O Honey’s.  Even if he doesn’t die, he still had to eat that disgusting candy.

33. Tell some Fomori where he lives.
Hello nerds
34. Feed him chocolate so he gets diarrhea.

35. Shave him so he just looks like an ugly dude instead of a werewolf.  He will kill himself.

36. Get a gang of werecats to beat the shit out of him.
All the images for "werecat" were goddamned furry fan art, so here's the chick from Teen Wolf in her underwear.
37. Have the werewolf ride on the back of your motorcycle without a helmet on.

38. Hire Boba Fett to kill the werewolf.

39. Give yourself AIDS and have sex with the werewolf.

40. Take him to Mardi Gras so he gets alcohol poisoning.

41. Counterspell.
See number 30.
42. Sign him onto the Ark Music Project Label (it'll kill his career, at least).
   
43. Jago.
Video games are sweet.
44. Invent a disease that only kills werewolves, and then drink a beer.  You’ve earned it buddy!

45. Cut him out of the Special Edition.
Poor Lak Sivrak

46. Rent a bus and put a sign on it that says “Free Werewolf Shuttle.”  Then, when the bus is full of werewolves, run it over with a monster truck. This SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY!

47. Make him role a critical failure.
See number 33. Also D30's are useless.

48. Replace his beer with a can of molten silver.

49. Ask if he like the full moon, and when he says yes show him your butt.  If that doesn’t kill him, just run away really fast.

50. Show him how lame werewolves are on World of Warcraft and give him the address to Blizzard studios.  That'll keep him busy while you save up for a silver baseball bat.
It's a lot less cool than this looks.
 Happy hunting! Well until next time kiddies, here's a picture of the Shewolf herself Shakira:

2 comments:

  1. Chocolate one makes lots of sense considering nearly all canines cannot medically handle chocolate as they will get sick.

    If the werewolf eats chocolate, he may cough up brown phlegm and make him sick in the process, no canine on the earth will ever withstand Theobromine ever!, and considering the werewolf is carnivorous, maybe a bowl of carrots or force him to eat his vegetables (even if he already refuses) in his werewolf puppy form can make him sick too

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