Thursday, October 13, 2011

Dan's Top Horror Movies 40-31

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I love Halloween

I'm counting down my 50 favorite horror movies through the month of October (Part 1 is here.)

40. Carrie (1976)

In Carrie Sissy Spacek plays Carrie, a girl with dirty pillows.  Like many high school girls Carrie is going through her “awkward phase.”  Her situation isn’t helped any by the nasty cunty bitches at her school or her crazy religious mother, whom drinks all the time and routinely locks Carrie in the prayer closet.  I may not know much about parenting, but that seems like the way to go; drink, complain about sin, and if my kids get mouthy I’ll just through them in the prayer closet.  As long as they don’t have telekinetic powers, and no one pushes them over the edge I’ll be just fine…
Taking Carrie to the prom is my favorite euphemism for menstration

39. The Frighteners (1996)

This is the movie that got Peter Jackson the Lord of the Rings gig, and it’s easy to see why.  I rented the Frighteners when it came out, and it’s the last movie I can really remember renting and watching over and over again (other than The Crying Game.)  Michael J. Fox plays Frank Bannister, a man that can see ghosts.  He uses mostly uses this ability to run a ghostbusting con job with his ghost buddies, until people start getting murdered.  Then the fun really begins.  The Frighteners is funny, kind of gruesome and above all cool.  It’s rated R but I’d definitely show it to kids.  I’m proud of myself for getting through this whole review without making even one joke about Parkinson’s disease.  
What a hot bitch

38.  Killer Klowns From Outer Space (1988)

My wife objected to the inclusion of this movie on my list, but I love this movie so here it is.  This movie has a lot going for it. I mean, as I touched on with Poltergeist lots of people find Clowns (Klowns) scary.  Personally, I’m not a little pussy so I don’t, but lots of people do.  That being said, the movie still has a few genuinely creepy moments, and everything about it is great.  When the Killer Klowns need to track down intruders to their spaceship they make smell-hounds out of balloon doggies.  Hilarious, right?  If nothing else, that kind of attention to detail sets Killer Klowns head and shoulders above your average horror movie, that and the lady klowns with giant inflatable boobies.      
"What about me Danny?  I'm a gay rapist and murderer."

37. Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)

Still awkward
It took me a long time to figure out that Gary Oldman was one of my favorite actors.  He plays characters that look and act different in every movie, and he can carry any movie he’s in (except of course for the shittastic Lost in Space Movie.) In Francis Ford Coppola’s retelling of the vampire classic he plays Dracula and he’s totally awesome.  Not even Keanu Reeves can bring this movie down.  My only major gripe with this movie comes from the first time I watched it, with my mom.  That lesbian vampire orgy scene was kind of uncomfortable to watch, and to this day I can never watch it without feeling kind of awkward.  That being said, this film inspired one of my favorite segments in The Simpsons’ Treehouse of Horror, and for that alone it’s worth checking out.

36. Cabin Fever (2002)

One of my buddies at work was talking about how if a girl came to his place to watch a movie he’d pop in “Rules of Attraction” and every time he did he’d manage to get lucky.  When he told me that I thought back to times I insisted that girls watch “Clockwork Orange” or “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”  Ughh.  “Cabin Fever” was the first movie my wife and I saw together in the theater.  If you haven’t seen it, Cabin Fever is about a bunch of twenty-somethings that get a flesh eating virus that makes them melt into blood.  It’s a testament to our relationship that my wife not only continued to date me after she saw the film, but she actually liked it.  Sweet.  Cabin Fever launched the career of Eli Roth, which has been kind of a mixed blessing to say the least.  After watching Cabin Fever it’s easy to see why they let him make another movie.  After watching Hostel, it’s hard to see how the American public didn’t rise up and kill Eli Roth in a mob action.

35.  Psycho (1960)

Another movie that should probably be higher on the list, but I couldn’t think of where to put it.  Psycho is kind of the prototypical slasher movie.  What sets it apart is that it’s pretty much better in every way.  Since 1960 Psycho has been ripped off countless times, most notably a shot-for-shot remake in 1998.  The most notable change in the remake was the addition of jack-off noises when Norman Bates is peeping in the bathroom.  Who decided that was a good idea?  Did someone sit down and watch Alfred Hitchcock’s masterpiece and say, “Ya’ know what?  Great movie.  There was just something missing…I know what it was, dick stroking sounds.  Took me right out of the movie.  Norman was staring at Janet Leigh’s massive jugs, and I didn’t hear an auditory clue that he might be choking the bishop.  Let’s spend a few million dollars to correct this problem.  Get Vince Vaughn on the phone.”  Often imitated but never truly duplicated, Psycho shows why Alfred Hitchcock was one of the best.
"Fap-Fap-Fap-Fap-Fap..." Disgusting

34.  The Exorcist (1973)

I heard that The Exorcist is pretty close to actual Catholic rites for an exorcism.  As a Catholic all I have to say is, Episcopalians ain’t got shit on us.  In all seriousness though, when a religion includes rites for dealing with demonic possession AND the book of Revelations do we really need to go completely off the grid with movies like Stigmata?  Isn’t there enough material out there already?  Well, unlike all those crappy Catholic conspiracy movies The Exorcist rules.  The Exorcist uses every trick in the book, from the creepy soundtrack, to gross out scenes, and “subliminal images,” all to make the scariest movie possible.  The proof is in the pudding, The Exorcist holds up 30 years later and the only thing anyone remembers about The DaVinci Code was Tom Hanks’ hair.  Also, remember when they used to play “Tubular Bells” at Hawks games?  That was kind of weird, right?

33. 28 Days Later (2002)

It's about damn time
Shot on digital video, in the land of funny accents 28 Days Later doesn’t exactly scream box office gold, but its unexpected success helped kick off the zombie boom we’ve been enjoying for the last decade or so.  When it came out I think I saw it at least twice in the theater.  As much as I enjoyed the film I do take issue with a few minor points.  For a movie about bloodthirsty monsters there’s hardly any gore or madcap bloodletting.  In fact the most violent scene of the movie is when a regular guy, not a rage infected maniac, drives his thumbs into another dude’s eye sockets.  28 Days Later is also one of those horror movies where the director kept trying to claim wasn’t a horror movie.  As a fan of the genre I take a little offense when someone acts like their zombie movie is Sophie’s Choice (Sophie's Choice is not a horror movie.)

32.  Alien (1979)

  If you’ve never seen Alien before, and you’d like to get the full effect don’t look up a plot summary on IMDB or anything and just go see it.  Remember it’s Alien singular not plural.  The biggest surprise in the film doesn’t have nearly as big of a punch if you know absolutely anything about the Alien franchise.  Unfortunately for me I saw Aliens before Alien.  I kind of knew everything that was going to happen.  It was still pretty awesome.  Near the end of the movie you totally see a close-up of a young Sigourney Weaver’s butt in tiny panties.  I’d post a screen shot, but that part of my VHS tape is all stretched out and snowy for some reason.  Remember when you had to adjust the tracking for movies?  Kids today…

Cutting edge special FX

31. The Dead Next Door (1989)

Black Friday or zombie apocalypse?
At one point in The Dead Next Door a group of zombie rights advocates are protesting outside the Zombie Squad building.  The Zombie Squad is the government agency in charge of killing zombies, which is kind of hard because according to the rules established in the film zombies can’t be killed.  Anyway a horde of zombies shows up and eats all the protesters.  That kind encapsulates what The Dead Next Door is all about: extreme violence, dark humor, and things that don’t completely make sense (why does the Zombie Squad go around shooting zombies if they can’t be killed?) Mix that all together with a Jim Jones inspired death cult, and you’ve got one sweet zombie movie.  Although parts of the film may seem inconsistent the movie’s awesomeness is totally consistent.

UPDATE: Part 3, movies 30 through 21 is located here.
One of the worst shows on television, but a good costume none the less.

1 comment:

  1. Ugh. Whitney Cummings. Tricia made me watch an episode of her show. Sadly, it was not the one with that costume.