Dan's Top Horror Movies 30-21

Throughout the month of October I’m counting down my 50 favorite horror movie.  If you’re just joining me now you can check out 50-41 here or 40-31 here.

  

30.  Night of the Living Dead (1990)

One of the most influential shows in my life was “Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs.”  Every week Joe Bob would show two horror movies and during the commercial breaks he would intersperse the films with jokes and commentary.  It was the first place I saw a lot of classics, like From Beyond, Motel Hell, and Carrie.  But the first movie I saw on Monstervision was the Night of the Living Dead remake, and I loved it.  I’d seen a few horror movies before, but NOTLD was different.  I’ve been obsessed with horror movies ever since.  Critics were kind of harsh on the movie, calling it “unnecessary.”  I dunno about that, what’s wrong with having another Night of the Living Dead anyway?  The only thing I would criticize the film for was the dyke-y haircut of the female lead.  It’s like a red Moe Howard cut. 

Moe knows horror movies

29.  A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

The Nightmare on Elm Street franchise descended into silliness and self parody at a much quicker rate the Friday the 13^th series, which is surprising because from the beginning the Friday the 13^th movies were fucking stupid and the first Elm Street movie was scary and awesome.  Nightmare on Elm Street is about a child murderer that gets burned to death by the parents that live on Elm Street.  His ghost takes revenge by invading the dreams of the children on Elm Street and murdering them.  The film is nearly perfect, except for the stupid bullshit tacked on ending.  It made no sense in the context of the film, and left the door open for numerous shitty sequels.  Next thing you know Freddy is zinging one-liners and doing stupid bullshit like going into videogames.  If you must watch any of the sequels I’d say check out Wes Craven’s New Nightmare or Part 3: The Dream Warriors.  Dokken did the song for Dream Warriors.  Dokken sucks.

Here's Freddy in a fucking video game.  This is an actual still from a financially successful film.

28.  White Zombie (1932)

Bela Legosi is at his creepiest in this delightful voodoo romp.  In fact, it’s kind of surprising that any of the other characters ever trust him. He looks like Dracula after all, and he’s got that creepy pointy beard. His character’s name is Murder Legendre for Chrissakes.  I guess that’s the kind of name you’d expect a guy that turns people into zombies for a living to have, but I still wouldn’t exactly invite him over for pizza and pop.  Almost all surviving prints of White Zombie are of dubious quality, but I find that the tinny sound and grainy picture kind of add to the overall dark atmosphere of the film.  At only 69 minutes the film moves quickly, and yet they still manage to cram the film full of hilariously outdated racial stereotypes.  Noticeably absent from the film was a jigsaw man that turns the world around with the skeleton hand, or a guy with dreadlocks that says “yeah” all the time.   It shows up “On Demand” with Comcast from time to time (as of this writing it’s currently available) and it’s public domain so you can usually find it on DVD for less than $5, so you should definitely check it out.

"Pull the strings!!!"

27. Bride of Re-Animator (1990)

Hubba-hubba

Lots of serious H.P. Lovecraft fans hate the Re-Animator movies, because they have a serious stick up their ass.  Furthermore, most serious Lovecraft fans think “Herbert West Re-Animator” is one of Lovecraft’s worst because it’s accessible and actually kind of funny.  Their loss.  Bride of Re-Animator is noticeably sillier than the first film, but just as violent (assuming you watch the unrated version.) The bad guy in the movie looks exactly like former Presidential hopeful John Kerry, only he’s an undead severed head, meaning he’s far more vibrant and full of life than the Senator from Massachusetts.  I would be remiss if I talked about Bride of Re-Animater without telling you all, that Alotta Fagina from the first Austin Powers movie, takes her top off.  It’s just as cool as you thought it would be when you were 13.

26. Candyman (1992)

 Candyman takes place in the scariest place that ever existed, Cabrini Green in the early 90’s.  Today the Cabrini Green Housing Project is a vacant lot in a yuppified neighborhood, but back in the day there were snipers.  Literally snipers.  Candyman is about Virginia Madsen’s investigation of an urban legend originating in Cabrini Green about a black guy with a hook for a hand that spits bees all over the place, as if a black guy in Cabrini Green wasn’t scary enough already.  The film is based on a Clive Barker story and handles the subject of urban legends much better than the turdfest “Urban Legend.”  You also see Virginia Madsen’s booby.

Cabrini Green was so tough even this map has "street-talk" on it.

25. Dead Alive (1992)

Zombie baby, fuck yeah!

Dead Alive isn’t the first zombie comedy on this list and it won’t be the last.  It’s set in New Zealand in the 1950’s, but the movie is so awesome it took like 5 viewings before I realized it was a period piece.  The movie is seriously pretty sick, with zombies porking, zombie babies, and a priest doing kung-fu.  When I reviewed The Frightners I said it was easy to see why Peter Jackson got the LOTR job.  After watching Dead Alive it’s hard to see how a studio could justify giving someone who made such a sick awesome movie hundreds of millions of dollars to make the biggest trilogy since Star Wars.  If you’re a fan of zombie movies I guarantee you will like Dead Alive.  If you’re not a fan of zombie movies, I seriously wonder why you’re still reading my list.

24. The Crazies (2010)

Horror remakes have become a trend over the last decade or so, but unlike the piece-of-shit Psycho remake The Crazies is awesome.  The Crazies (1973) is a perfect example of the kind of movie to remake; a lesser known movie with good idea that wasn’t done as well as it could’ve been.   Personally I love George A. Romero’s version, but I like how Breck Eisner updated the original by adding terrifying shit (not jack-off noises) like a dude with a pitchfork stabbing defenseless hospital patients or the crazy dude with a shotgun at the Little League game.  Scary as that is, what makes The Crazies so good is the characters.   The main characters are all relatable and not dumb as a box of hammers, so I actually gave a shit whether they lived or died.  Interestingly, The Crazies is also the only horror movie I can think of off the top of my head set in Iowa.  I guess the film is supposed to take place in a small town in the middle of nowhere, and Iowa is about as nowhere as it gets.  But still, Iowa?  Actually come to think of it, that’s not that interesting.

23. American Werewolf in London (1981)

If the guy that made Animal House and the guy that made the music video for Thriller teamed up and made a movie it would probably look something like American Werewolf in London, which is exactly what happened (they were both directed by John Landis.)  AWIL isn’t quite as funny as Animal House or quite as scary as the video for Thriller (I was like 4 the first time I saw it,) but it’s probably the best werewolf movie ever made.  It even won an Oscar for the special effects.  American Werewolf in London is about SPOILER ALERT: an American that gets turned into a werewolf in London.  As I’ve discussed many times before, werewolves are a serious problem. As I’ve discussed very few times before, the chick in this movie is a total babe.  Why was she was only in like two movies, but there’s like 10 Kate Hudson “comedies” every fucking year? 

"I saw a werewolf at Trader Vic's.  His hair was perfect."

22. Dagon (2001)

Another H.P. Lovecraft adaptation, this time from my favorite short story “The Shadow Over Innsmouth.”  This film probably the closest to portrayal of H.P. Lovecraft’s vision of epic horror on film; there are powerful old gods that are indifferent to the fate of humanity, moreover the human race is not special or important.  Civilization is at best temporary, and if by some miracle the human race lives on, it will degenerate into amorality and cannibalism.  It’s that level of bleakness on a grand scale that makes Lovecraft, and Dagon so scary.  Stuart Gordon directed Dagon, his third Lovecraft adaptation after From Beyond and the original Re-Animator.* Like his previous adaptations, Dagon is a horror classic with plenty of gore, a good script and totally hot babes.

*Gordon also directed “Honey I Shrunk the Kids,” although originally based on Lovecraft’s “Cthulhu Rising” all references to demonic six-headed goats and women coupling with octopi were ultimately left on the cutting room floor.  Fucking censorship man.

21. Silence of the Lambs (1991)

Silence of the Lambs is generally considered to be a “thriller” and not a horror movie. I don’t really buy it.  The movie is about the search for a serial killer that’s skinning fat girls and turning them into clothing.  There’s even a part where a chick is being chased through the dark by a maniac in night-vision-goggles.  I guess it was thrilling, but I’d mostly just call it scary.  I don’t see how it could be anything but a horror movie, except maybe a comedy, but I'm kind of a sick fuck.  I think the real issue is that Silence of the Lambs won five Oscars, including best actor, actress, director, screenplay, and best picture.  Critics would never let a horror movie win best picture, so they call it a “thriller.”  Thriller is a bullshit category anyway.  The list of the highest rated thrillers on IMDB includes Terminator 2, Pulp Fiction, Black Swan and Die Hard.  Does that make any fucking sense?  To confuse matters further the song and video for Thriller is about horror movies.

"I'd fuck me."

30 horror movies down, and only 20 to go before Halloween.  Until next time remember...

Danzig wants your skull.

Dan's Top Horror Movies 40-31

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I love Halloween

I'm counting down my 50 favorite horror movies through the month of October (Part 1 is here.)

40. Carrie (1976)

In Carrie Sissy Spacek plays Carrie, a girl with dirty pillows.  Like many high school girls Carrie is going through her “awkward phase.”  Her situation isn’t helped any by the nasty cunty bitches at her school or her crazy religious mother, whom drinks all the time and routinely locks Carrie in the prayer closet.  I may not know much about parenting, but that seems like the way to go; drink, complain about sin, and if my kids get mouthy I’ll just through them in the prayer closet.  As long as they don’t have telekinetic powers, and no one pushes them over the edge I’ll be just fine…

Taking Carrie to the prom is my favorite euphemism for menstration

39. The Frighteners (1996)

This is the movie that got Peter Jackson the Lord of the Rings gig, and it’s easy to see why.  I rented the Frighteners when it came out, and it’s the last movie I can really remember renting and watching over and over again (other than The Crying Game.)  Michael J. Fox plays Frank Bannister, a man that can see ghosts.  He uses mostly uses this ability to run a ghostbusting con job with his ghost buddies, until people start getting murdered.  Then the fun really begins.  The Frighteners is funny, kind of gruesome and above all cool.  It’s rated R but I’d definitely show it to kids.  I’m proud of myself for getting through this whole review without making even one joke about Parkinson’s disease.  

What a hot bitch

38.  Killer Klowns From Outer Space (1988)

My wife objected to the inclusion of this movie on my list, but I love this movie so here it is.  This movie has a lot going for it. I mean, as I touched on with Poltergeist lots of people find Clowns (Klowns) scary.  Personally, I’m not a little pussy so I don’t, but lots of people do.  That being said, the movie still has a few genuinely creepy moments, and everything about it is great.  When the Killer Klowns need to track down intruders to their spaceship they make smell-hounds out of balloon doggies.  Hilarious, right?  If nothing else, that kind of attention to detail sets Killer Klowns head and shoulders above your average horror movie, that and the lady klowns with giant inflatable boobies.      

"What about me Danny?  I'm a gay rapist and murderer."

37. Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)

Still awkward

It took me a long time to figure out that Gary Oldman was one of my favorite actors.  He plays characters that look and act different in every movie, and he can carry any movie he’s in (except of course for the shittastic Lost in Space Movie.) In Francis Ford Coppola’s retelling of the vampire classic he plays Dracula and he’s totally awesome.  Not even Keanu Reeves can bring this movie down.  My only major gripe with this movie comes from the first time I watched it, with my mom.  That lesbian vampire orgy scene was kind of uncomfortable to watch, and to this day I can never watch it without feeling kind of awkward.  That being said, this film inspired one of my favorite segments in The Simpsons’ Treehouse of Horror, and for that alone it’s worth checking out.

36. Cabin Fever (2002)

One of my buddies at work was talking about how if a girl came to his place to watch a movie he’d pop in “Rules of Attraction” and every time he did he’d manage to get lucky.  When he told me that I thought back to times I insisted that girls watch “Clockwork Orange” or “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”  Ughh.  “Cabin Fever” was the first movie my wife and I saw together in the theater.  If you haven’t seen it, Cabin Fever is about a bunch of twenty-somethings that get a flesh eating virus that makes them melt into blood.  It’s a testament to our relationship that my wife not only continued to date me after she saw the film, but she actually liked it.  Sweet.  Cabin Fever launched the career of Eli Roth, which has been kind of a mixed blessing to say the least.  After watching Cabin Fever it’s easy to see why they let him make another movie.  After watching Hostel, it’s hard to see how the American public didn’t rise up and kill Eli Roth in a mob action.

35.  Psycho (1960)

Another movie that should probably be higher on the list, but I couldn’t think of where to put it.  Psycho is kind of the prototypical slasher movie.  What sets it apart is that it’s pretty much better in every way.  Since 1960 Psycho has been ripped off countless times, most notably a shot-for-shot remake in 1998.  The most notable change in the remake was the addition of jack-off noises when Norman Bates is peeping in the bathroom.  Who decided that was a good idea?  Did someone sit down and watch Alfred Hitchcock’s masterpiece and say, “Ya’ know what?  Great movie.  There was just something missing…I know what it was, dick stroking sounds.  Took me right out of the movie.  Norman was staring at Janet Leigh’s massive jugs, and I didn’t hear an auditory clue that he might be choking the bishop.  Let’s spend a few million dollars to correct this problem.  Get Vince Vaughn on the phone.”  Often imitated but never truly duplicated, Psycho shows why Alfred Hitchcock was one of the best.

"Fap-Fap-Fap-Fap-Fap..." Disgusting

34.  The Exorcist (1973)

I heard that The Exorcist is pretty close to actual Catholic rites for an exorcism.  As a Catholic all I have to say is, Episcopalians ain’t got shit on us.  In all seriousness though, when a religion includes rites for dealing with demonic possession AND the book of Revelations do we really need to go completely off the grid with movies like Stigmata?  Isn’t there enough material out there already?  Well, unlike all those crappy Catholic conspiracy movies The Exorcist rules.  The Exorcist uses every trick in the book, from the creepy soundtrack, to gross out scenes, and “subliminal images,” all to make the scariest movie possible.  The proof is in the pudding, The Exorcist holds up 30 years later and the only thing anyone remembers about The DaVinci Code was Tom Hanks’ hair.  Also, remember when they used to play “Tubular Bells” at Hawks games?  That was kind of weird, right?

33. 28 Days Later (2002)

It's about damn time

Shot on digital video, in the land of funny accents 28 Days Later doesn’t exactly scream box office gold, but its unexpected success helped kick off the zombie boom we’ve been enjoying for the last decade or so.  When it came out I think I saw it at least twice in the theater.  As much as I enjoyed the film I do take issue with a few minor points.  For a movie about bloodthirsty monsters there’s hardly any gore or madcap bloodletting.  In fact the most violent scene of the movie is when a regular guy, not a rage infected maniac, drives his thumbs into another dude’s eye sockets.  28 Days Later is also one of those horror movies where the director kept trying to claim wasn’t a horror movie.  As a fan of the genre I take a little offense when someone acts like their zombie movie is Sophie’s Choice (Sophie's Choice is not a horror movie.)

32.  Alien (1979)

  If you’ve never seen Alien before, and you’d like to get the full effect don’t look up a plot summary on IMDB or anything and just go see it.  Remember it’s Alien singular not plural.  The biggest surprise in the film doesn’t have nearly as big of a punch if you know absolutely anything about the Alien franchise.  Unfortunately for me I saw Aliens before Alien.  I kind of knew everything that was going to happen.  It was still pretty awesome.  Near the end of the movie you totally see a close-up of a young Sigourney Weaver’s butt in tiny panties.  I’d post a screen shot, but that part of my VHS tape is all stretched out and snowy for some reason.  Remember when you had to adjust the tracking for movies?  Kids today…

Cutting edge special FX

31. The Dead Next Door (1989)

Black Friday or zombie apocalypse?

At one point in The Dead Next Door a group of zombie rights advocates are protesting outside the Zombie Squad building.  The Zombie Squad is the government agency in charge of killing zombies, which is kind of hard because according to the rules established in the film zombies can’t be killed.  Anyway a horde of zombies shows up and eats all the protesters.  That kind encapsulates what The Dead Next Door is all about: extreme violence, dark humor, and things that don’t completely make sense (why does the Zombie Squad go around shooting zombies if they can’t be killed?) Mix that all together with a Jim Jones inspired death cult, and you’ve got one sweet zombie movie.  Although parts of the film may seem inconsistent the movie’s awesomeness is totally consistent.

UPDATE: Part 3, movies 30 through 21 is located here.

One of the worst shows on television, but a good costume none the less.