Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Miller Fortune

History shows again and again how nature points out the folly of man..

Miller just introduced the newest member of the Miller Family:  Miller Fortune, a curious product to say the least.  When most people make a beer I assume they’re making a beer.  When one of the Big Two (MillerCoors & Anheuser-Busch/InBev) makes a beer is has to do with perceived trends, changing markets, and fads. What pray tell is the motive behind Miller Fortune?

Let’s breakdown the commercial:

A bunch of very chic and fashionable people are having the kind of swanky party you’ll never get invited to.  Everyone looks multiethnic and bored.  A low rent knock-off of Jason Statham approaches a hip looking 20-something male.

FakeJasonStatham:  You invited everyone over to watch Wrestlemania, but your telly [British slang] is on the fritz.  Fortune favors the bold.

No one else seems to hear or see Fake Jason Statham, like he’s an angel, or Al from Quantum Leap.  Around this point I notice that the apartment has leather curtains?  Also, Jason Statham imposter hands the dude a Fortune beer and the Wheel of Fortune Home Game.

Cut to: Everyone playing the Wheel of Fortune Home Game and drinking Miller Fortune out of rocks glasses(?).  They’re having a great time.  The dude will presumably get laid

I guess they wouldn’t be watching Wrestlemania or playing board games, but I really have no idea what hep people do for fun.  Clearly, I’m not in the demographic they’re shooting for.  I mean, other than the implication that the guy scores with a hot multi-ethnic chick I can honestly say there is nothing in the commercial that appeals to me, at all, which seems like a misstep on their part.  I drink a lot.

 

Horniness will always defeat reacism

And circle gets the square.  The answer to the question.  Miller’s not making a beer for people who already drink beer, even if they drink pretty much constantly.  Miller is making a beer for people who don’t drink beer yet.  Apparently, the market for liquor in this country growing, especially amongst young people.  Naturally, Miller wants in, so they’re trying to make a beer for hip young people whom would otherwise be drinking booze based drinks like vodka Redbulls or Malibu Rum.  To that end, they gave Miller Fortune a weird angular jetblack bottle, a Jason Stathame-esque narrator, and curiously suggest that it be served in a rocks glass. 

 

I was really relieved to see the whole bottle didn't fit in the rock glass.  If it held more than 12oz. it would mean I was drinking way more whiskey that I/d previously thought

As someone who is a decade past his early 20’s, it’s hard for me to judge how effective all this is going to be. Personally, I think if you wanted to be cool you’d rip a picture of John Wayne Gacy in half, show a beer-drinkin’ anthopomorphic crocodile doing tricks on a skateboard, or instead of kind-of, sort-of implying, that the dude drinking beer gets laid make it super obvious, like the girl is a MILF in a Cialis commercial.  Failing that, they should just do what I do: make fun of people who don’t drink beer.  Drinking beer doesn’t make me or anyone else cool, but not drinking beer makes you a dork.

 

Hitler was a teetotaler IRL 

While I might not know much about being cool, I like to think I know a thing or two about beer.  Miller Fortune tastes boozy, and at 7% alcohol it probably should.  This would seem to play into their previously discussed marketing strategy.  It’s a little bitter like a real beer, with a bit of caramel flavoring, but not a lot of either.  The strongest taste is the graininess you tend to expect from a Miller product.  It’s above average, but is it worth a hefty $12?  In a word: no.  In two words: no-no.  It’s definitely worth grabbing when the bar has a special on Miller Family buckets, but the price point pulls Miller Fortune off the bottomshelf and into direct competition with craft beers and imports.

 

THE ACE OF SPADES! THE ACE OF SPADES!

While Miller Fortune works decently well as a beer to get me drunk, it doesn’t make me feel any cooler or more likely to meet Jason Statham.  Which kind of cuts against their whole point, right?  While I am not cynical enough to suggest that Miller/Coors doesn’t care about the quality of their product; I would say that in this instance flavor definitely takes a backseat to marketing and demographic trends.  While Miller Fortuneis decidedly okay, it remains to be seen if Miller Fortune will be effective in convincing smarmy young people that they should shell out $12 a 12-pack to feel cool.  Only time will tell.

History has already made up its mind on hot ass multi-ethnic girls...

...but

DON'T FORGET THE JOKER!!!

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Hamm's

This article was going to suffer from a lack of babes, fortunately I remembered Hammer Films star Ingrid Pitt.  Here she is offering you some delicious beer (possibly Hamm's?)

I don’t really have much of a plan when it comes to deciding which beers to review and when.  Sometimes I think of something I want to say about a particular beer or a joke I want to make and purchase accordingly.  Who can forget the biting “deer blowjob” social commentary in my review of Buck Range Light?  More often than not though, I just end up seeing something at the grocery store and buying it without any prior thought.  Such is the case with Hamm’s .  The only joke that immediately sprang to mind was that Hamm’s sounds almost exactly like the word “ham.”  (Hilarious!)  I bought it anyway and decided to come up with something that didn’t involve homophones when I got home.

LOL!!!

Possibly the weirdest thing for me about Hamm’s is that I’ve known the chorus and tune of the Hamm’s commercial jingle “From the Land of Sky Blue Waters” as far back as I can remember, despite the fact that I only became aware of Hamm’s existence in my early 20’s.  I find it odd that I can remember a commercial jingle from 25+ years ago, but I have absolutely no recollection why I’m covered in blood right now.  As far as Hamm’s is concerned, it seems that America’s cultural memory is similar to my own.  During my research I found tons of information about the Hamm’s Jingle, their mascot The Hamm’s Beer Bear, and various promotional items the brewery released over the years (beach towels, refrigerator magnets, vanity catheters, etc.) but came up short when it came to the actual history of the beer.

Sammy Hagar is worse than Hagar the Horrible

Specifically, I couldn’t find any information pertaining to the beer’s fall from nationally advertised grace to the bottom of the bottomshelf.  I do know that after operating as an independent brewery from 1865 to 1968 the company got punted around until it was acquired by Miller in 1999.  Miller’s eventual goal is to phase Hamm’s out of production with the hopes that people switch to other Miller products.  Personally, I can’t think of a bleaker future than one that precludes beers like Hamm’s in favor of godamned Miller Lite.  It makes 1984 look like 1999 (the Orwell novel and the Prince album, not the Van Halen album and the Prince album because both albums are pretty fucking sweet.)  My only hope is that this dystopian future will somehow involve Judge Dredd riding around Mega-City One shooting people in the fucking face.  More likely it’ll involve a lot of 90’s era Aerosmith and shooting CD’s at a bunch of nearly identical government thugs.  

Dredd 3D was one of the best movies I've ever seen and it bombed.  You people disgust me.  Someday they'll make a Revolution X movie and you retards will eat it up like the last three Transformers movies.

No caption necessary

All that being said, Hamm’s is pretty good.  It’s about as stripped down as a beer can be, while still tasting exactly like beer should.  If I had to choose one beer to represent American beer on a deep space mission, Hamm’s would be my Kal-El son of Jor-El.  (In this elaborate hypothetical Bill Clinton is Lex Luther and George W. Bush is Brainiac.  Figure it out stupids.)  Essentially, I think Hamm’s isn’t great but it’s one of the beeriest beers that ever beered.  To those of you that think it’s kind of a copout to say that a beer tastes like beer, let me say that totally I agree with you.  On that note, Hamm’s is kind of grainy like MGD but not as harsh, like a slightly fancier Miller High Life.  That’s right, it’s fancier than the champagne of beers.

 

 

Ingrid Pitt, from the film Where Eagles Dare.  Note:  She Ain't No Goddamn Sonofabitch! (you better think about it baby)

I think this one turned out pretty well, and I got to try a decent beer for the very first time.  I’m going to call it before I say something stupid, well stupider than usual.  I do drink a lot.  Before I wrap it up, I have to say that it’s really unfortunate that a once proud beer seems relegated to the sands of history.  Go buy some Hamm’s so we can prevent a future where the only choices are Miller Lite and going sober.  You won’t like me when I’m sober.

Fortunately I don't see that happening anytime soon.

 If you like these updates, but hate waiting around for updates check out the dank comedy nugs I'm droppin' on twitter ya'll!

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Miller Lite

The right way to advertise Miller Lite, or anything for that matter

If you drink American beer you’ve drank Miller Lite before, unless you’re a second generation Budweiser employee, and even then I kind of doubt it.  When you drank Miller Lite for the first time you surely thought to yourself, “This is awful.  This is the third most popular beer in America?  Guess that explains how Crash won Best Picture.”  Since we’re all in agreement that Miller Lite is pretty awful, I thought I’d use this Bottomshelf Beer Review to explore Swiller Lite’s epic rise to the commercial pinnacle of the Bottomshelf Beer-amid.

"Sutekh has no need for your  pitiful human beer!"

You’ve all seen the ads:

Three fucking idiots of mixed ethnicities are standing in a bar full of ethnically diverse but unusually attractive people.  Smoking Hot Female Bartender with Giant Tits enters and approaches the trio of douchebag looking idiots.

Smoking Hot Female Bartender with Huge Tits: What’ll it be?

Idiot #1: Miller Lite.

Idiot #2: Miller Lite

Idiot #3: Whatever.

Idiot #1 (to Idiot #3):  Dude, that’s the second unmanly thing you’ve done today!

Idiot #3:  What was the first?!?

Idiot #2:  You tried to suck my dick.

Then we get a shot of the dude acting like a total queer and everyone has a good laugh at Idiot #3’s expense.  Congratulations, you've just seen every Miller Lite ad for the last ten years.  The commercials change (dude in Jar Jar Binks costume loves the “Other” Light Beer) but the message remains the same: drink Miller Lite and you’ll be beefy and strong like a dude in a Tom of Finland picture. Drink any other light beer and you’re probably an effeminate dork.

Choose wisely, or she'll never sleep with you

I'm kind of a dick.  I'll call someone a pussy for listening to Belle and Sebastien or not eating onions. For a beer commercial to really bother me it has to be offensive and stupid.  Aside from the ads' barely disguised homophobia, I think my problem is the absurdity of implying that any light beer is inherently cooler or more masculine than another.  All light beer sucks.  Also, why do his friends give a shit what kind of beer he drinks?  More importantly, why are they hanging out with a guy that dresses in clothes that would make Prince blush?  I guess Miller Lite assumes everyone is as insecure as they are about their wimpy beer.   I would really like to meet the guy this tactic works on, a dude so insecure he only drinks Miller Lite, lest anyone think him some kind of bitch.  And then I want to make fun of him, because like I said, I’m kind of a dick.

A man so girly he doesn't drink Miller Lite

Miller Lite’s “tough guy” thing goes almost all the way back to the beer’s inception.  Miller Lite began its life as “Gablinger’s Diet Beer” in 1967.  As appetizing as that sounds Gablinger had to sell to Meister Brau in Chicago, where it acquired its famous “L-I-T-E” spelling as “Meister Brau Lite.”  Mesiter Brau marketed their new lite beer to dudes that didn’t want to be total fatties, but dudes that were still definitely not chicks.  To that end MB aggressively marketed their beer during sporting events, a tactic Miller continued when they acquired the beer 1973.

Soon after the purchase of MB Lite, Miller began their famous “Taste Great/Less Filling” advertising campaign.  Typically these ads centered around manly men (e.g. lumberjacks; famous athletes; Vikings; chainsaw jugglers; Robot Jox) fighting over whether Miller Lite was good because it tasted great, or that it was less filling.  At their best these ads showed super models rolling around half naked in a mud pit, and at their worst they somewhat amusingly attempted to draw a link between badass motherfuckers, like Zap Rowsdower, and Miller Lite.  But flash forward 25 years or so and they’re calling you a dork with a small dick for not drinking their crappy beer.

One of their better ads:

At the end of the day, Miller Lite’s popularity still astounds me, although I will concede that it’s probably just a matter of taste.  I don’t like lite beer.  I never have and I never will.  Why anyone would drink Swiller Lite when there are better lite beers at a fraction of the price (e.g. Buck Range Light, Old Style Light or even Keystone Light) is beyond me.  What I will not concede, is that their commercials are anything other than offensive to women, gays, and most importantly straight guys. Straight white guys are the largest most powerful demographic in the United States.  Miller Lite you’ve made a powerful enemy.

Hey idiots, this is how you advertise a beer.

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Miller Genuine Draft

About ten or fifteen years ago it seemed to me like Miller Genuine Draft was everywhere.  It might have just been that people stopped buying it for my family parties, but lately I haven’t seen MGD around nearly as much.  I don’t know it’s just that Miller is spending all of their advertising dollars trying to convince everyone that Miller Lite is masculine and something that straight guys should, nay must, drink, but I can’t remember the last time I saw an for MGD during a football game.  They certainly still sell the stuff, so I guess I’m going to have to drink it.

Hello sexy lady from the 90's, nice shorts.

The first thing I noticed was that MGD has a ton of flavor.  It tastes kind of like a more full bodied Miller High Life, which makes sense because MGD was originally called “Miller High Life Genuine Draft” when it was released in 1985 (Bears!)  It tastes pretty good at first, great even.  Honestly after the first sip I thought I was going to have to reevaluate my stance on MGD then the aftertaste hit: textbook poo aftertaste. There are plenty of bottomshelf beers with aftertastes that are far worse, but MGD’s really has that unique “poo-ness,”

When I complain about a poo aftertaste the most common question I get asked is, “how do you know what poo tastes like?”  Well, funny story.  When we moved into the house I lived in for the majority of my formative years we inherited an old clubhouse in the backyard.  It would have been cool but it was completely unusable.  Even new, the clubhouse would have been full of exposed nails, and not even the great Lionel Richie himself could have danced on that ceiling without a tetanus shot.  As it was when we acquired it, the clubhouse had turned rotten and it was full of goddamned hornets.

Unfortunately, in real life hornets have no casting cost

What are you smiling at?

Hornets are second only to possums as the most vile of God’s creations.  They don’t make honey.  They don’t pollinate flowers.  And they don’t turn into butterflies (not that bees do, but still.)  They just fucking sting you till you die.  As you’ve no doubt surmised, I can’t stand hornets (and WASPS for that matter, but that’s just because I distrust Protestants.)  At five years old I was no different, so my friends and I got to thinking of a way to rid ourselves of the hornet menace once and for all.  One of us struck on the notion that if we didn’t like the smell of dogshit, hornets probably didn’t like it either.  Next thing you know we’re picking up dog poo on a stick and throwing it through the clubhouse window.  Genius. 

Genuine class

The plan started out well enough, well as well as any plan can go that involves running around throwing dogshit on a stick.  Unfortunately I zigged when I should have zagged, and got a mouthful of dogpoop for my troubles.  It’s about as gross as it sounds and tasted just as good as you think it would.  I hightailed it into the house and washed my own mouth out with soap, because toothpaste just wasn’t going to cut it.  The only good thing about the whole ordeal was that I was really young and it happened outside of school, otherwise I’d be “that guy that got a mouthful of dogshit” till the day I died.  In conclusion I guess you could say I’m somewhat of an expert on whether or not something tastes like dogshit, and MGD’s aftertaste certainly does.    

Ginuine cupcakes

On the other hand it has a great looking website.  It may not seem like much of a compliment in light of my dog poo comments, but it was very refreshing to see an aesthetically pleasing bottomshelf beer website.  Most beer websites are all crudded up with annoying flash animation and stupid sound effects, like they were designed for someone that huffs roach spray out of a paper bag.  MGD’s website on the other hand, was great and it helpfully links to MGD Canada’s facebook page, which raised a lot more questions than it answered.  Is it run by Canadians or real Americans?  I bring this up because they talk surprisingly little about maple syrup, moose shit, or Canadian National Treasure Alanis Morissette.

Sarah Chalke, one of my favorite Canadians

Miller Genuine Draft may have kind of a fecal aftertaste, and it may not confer all of the totally-hetero-super-powers that Miller Lite does.  It’s still a hell of a lot better than Miller Lite, and you can do a lot worse as far as bottomshelf beers go, and that’s the Genuine truth! (I’ve been waiting the entire post to say that.  Now that I’ve done it I feel kind of empty.  This is an existential crisis.  Let’s end this.)

...and we'll bring it home with a little more Sarah Chalke