|If you don't feel like reading you can check out the video version here.|
|This is Allison Brie seductively eating a strawberry. Her connection to Buck Range Light is tenuous at best, but things are about to get creepy.|
Did you ever see the Shining? Do you remember that part where that old dude is getting a blowjob from a guy dressed as a bear or a dog or something? In case you don’t:
That was probably the creepiest part of the movie, way creepier than the elevator full of blood. Anyway, I bring this up because memory is funny. The old guy is clearly getting head from Barf (of Spaceballs fame) but in my mind, I always remembered him getting sucked off by a deer. I don’t know why I always remembered it being a deer, or what that says about me. I can’t even decide if that’s more or less disturbing than the actual scene in the movie. Anyway, when I heard about Buck Range Light, I ended up thinking about deer, which led to me (incorrectly) remembering that scene from the movie. I was instantly creeped out.
|In case you're not creeped out enough. This is a picture of a person that derives sexual pleasure from dressing like a deer.|
One thing I can tell you though, I have no problem remembering Big Flats 1901 or Gameday Ice. Both beers were in-house beers for convenience stores, and like an old man getting a BJ from a deer, both beers were fucking disgusting. As I lamented this fact to a friend of mine (without mentioning the deer blowjob thing) he informed me that Jewel also had an in-house beer: Buck Range Light. I immediately wished I had started a website reviewing cotton candy or girl-on-girl kiss scenes. I also immediately resolved to buy and drink some Buck Range Light.
What kind of name is Buck Range Light? I’m guessing they want you to think of hunting and guys drinking beer in the woods. My guess is that the fine folks at Jewel wanted to give the beer a generic folksy name, so the beer would just kind of blend in with the other macrobrews and people would only notice the low-low price($6 a twelver.) Personally I think the name is a little too generic. Buck Range Light sounds like a kids’ show from the 1950's, not a beer. It also conjures up some pretty disturbing images, if you happen to remember The Shining a little different than most people do.
|Coolest hunter ever. I assume he drinks a lot|
“Wherever your outdoor enthusiasm takes you, whatever your choice of adventure, alone or with your fellow comrades, the journey is yours. Live the life - Pass The Buck.” -Buck Range Light
|The website's only picture|
That is an actual quote from their website. It has surprisingly little to do with The Shining, except that it seems to be encouraging you to drink alone, kind of like that ghost bartender in the movie. Since, I’m drinking this stuff by myself I think they nailed their target demographic. But the absolute best part of the website was the “Awards and Accolades” section. In this section, the only thing it says is “released December 2010.” Wow. Talk about balls. That would be like if the DVD box for Catwoman had a laurel around the words
“Jury Prize Sundance 2004” “Released 2004.” I found it kind of enduring. Buck Range hasn’t won any awards, but Buck Range doesn’t give a rat’s ass, they wear that shit on their sleeve. They might not have won Beer of the Year, but fuck you. You heard me: fuck you.
|As good as she looked Catwoman was unwatchable|
|I too contemplated suicide after watching The Happening|
SPOILER ALERT: Remember how at the end of The Shining it turns out that it’s all a dream, and Jack Nick rolls over in bed and hugs Shelly Duvall? In a similar plot twist of Shyamalan-esque proportions it turns out that Buck Range Light is actually not half bad. See how I misdirected you talking about creepy deer/geriatric felatio? That’s what I call good writing. Buck range is highly carbonated with a slight beer flavor. It’s like beer flavored pop. But what it lacks in flavor it makes up for in lack of bad flavor. It might not be that good, but at least it doesn’t taste like someone canned a wet fart. In fact, what little flavor it has is actually pretty good. BRL goes great with pizza, bratwurst or breakfast food (you’re among friends here, and I won’t judge you.)
Today I learned things about myself I’d just as soon forget. I also learned that Buck Range Light is a solid purchase. It’s fucking cheap, and not that bad to drink. I would still rather spend a few bucks more and get a full 30 pack of Lacrosse, but depending on the circumstance I could see buying Buck Range Light again. Admittedly, it’s hard to imagine a circumstance in which I would choose to buy light beer, but it’s also hard for me to imagine anything right now that isn’t a creepy deer blowing an old man.
Thanks for sticking out this creepy article. As for your reward, I present to you: Sofia Vergara in a bikini.
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Check out the new video version: