Friday, November 30, 2012

Interview Tips



This picture is a shout out to all the other pervs out there.  It's also the first tip:  if the office looks like this there's no actual job.

Unemployment is a big problem right now, and I thought I’d do what I can to help.  I have been hired for every job I’ve applied to, even ones I was dangerously under qualified for.  If the economy does turn around, and you’re finding this post a few years from now you may want to instead check out my post on Hoverboard Maintenance.  The following are some questions one typically gets asked during the course of a job interview, followed by my response and/or explanation of the response.

What is your biggest weakness?

“Kryptonite.”  Pretty self-explanatory. You want to cultivate a mythic/godlike persona to impress a prospective employer.  As an added bonus kryptonite is expensive and hard to come by.  It can make a double-cross prohibitively expensive; furthermore they may tip their hand if they set about the complicated task of acquiring/manufacturing kryptonite.  Whatever you do don’t tell them about your “moment of weakness” when you fingerbanged your cousin.
1970's Gene Hackman! (my one actual weakness! Hubba Hubba!)

How would others describe you?

Use terms like: sexual dynamo, loose cannon, Cenobite, the Ayatollah of Rock n Rolla, and Snake Plissken-esque.  You might want to conclude with the phrase, “as horny as the day is long.”  Alternately you could just crib H.P. Lovecraft’s description of one of the Elder Gods from his Cthulhu mythos.  Avoid terms like: annoying, diaper fetishist, Juggalo, and “has leprosy,” no matter how true those statements me be.
After scouring the bowels of the internet I found one hot chick that likes the  Insane Clown Posse, which is one more than I expected.

How would you describe yourself?

Just say, “I prefer to let my fists do the talking.”  Then karate chop their desk in half.  You might want to Hulk Hogan your shirt off beforehand (especially if you have an erotic tattoo that covers your entire torso) but it’s up to you.
Karate Champ was a sweet game, because the goal was to kick the other player in the nuts before they could do the same to you.  Also note: hot babes and a Bloodsport reference


Why should I hire you?

“Good at math.”
Good enough to drill a hole in my fucking head


What qualities do you feel a successful manager should have?

“The best damn Dr. Who fanfiction writer on the internet.”  Then slam an olde-timey-Bible-sized stack of paper on their desk.  Most of the stories can be plagiarized from the internet, although I would personally appreciate it if you wrote a Dr. Who and Battlestar Galactica crossover (no slashfic please.)
Turlough and the Doctor? Real original.  Why don't you just have Snape fuck Harry Potter  you hack?

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Gabba Gabba Hey!
“President of the United States of America.”  People respect lofty goals.  Leader of the free world is about as lofty as it gets.  They may just hire you at Taco Bell or wherever just to curry favor with you in the future.  Avoid mentioning your secret cabal to abolish democracy and declare martial law once in office until after you’re hired.

That's it for now.  Check back later for more solid gold interview tips.

Someone made this image in complete earnestness.  I love my country.  

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