Thursday, October 18, 2012

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Hamm's

This article was going to suffer from a lack of babes, fortunately I remembered Hammer Films star Ingrid Pitt.  Here she is offering you some delicious beer (possibly Hamm's?)

I don’t really have much of a plan when it comes to deciding which beers to review and when.  Sometimes I think of something I want to say about a particular beer or a joke I want to make and purchase accordingly.  Who can forget the biting “deer blowjob” social commentary in my review of Buck Range Light?  More often than not though, I just end up seeing something at the grocery store and buying it without any prior thought.  Such is the case with Hamm’s .  The only joke that immediately sprang to mind was that Hamm’s sounds almost exactly like the word “ham.”  (Hilarious!)  I bought it anyway and decided to come up with something that didn’t involve homophones when I got home.

Possibly the weirdest thing for me about Hamm’s is that I’ve known the chorus and tune of the Hamm’s commercial jingle “From the Land of Sky Blue Waters” as far back as I can remember, despite the fact that I only became aware of Hamm’s existence in my early 20’s.  I find it odd that I can remember a commercial jingle from 25+ years ago, but I have absolutely no recollection why I’m covered in blood right now.  As far as Hamm’s is concerned, it seems that America’s cultural memory is similar to my own.  During my research I found tons of information about the Hamm’s Jingle, their mascot The Hamm’s Beer Bear, and various promotional items the brewery released over the years (beach towels, refrigerator magnets, vanity catheters, etc.) but came up short when it came to the actual history of the beer.

Sammy Hagar is worse than Hagar the Horrible
Specifically, I couldn’t find any information pertaining to the beer’s fall from nationally advertised grace to the bottom of the bottomshelf.  I do know that after operating as an independent brewery from 1865 to 1968 the company got punted around until it was acquired by Miller in 1999.  Miller’s eventual goal is to phase Hamm’s out of production with the hopes that people switch to other Miller products.  Personally, I can’t think of a bleaker future than one that precludes beers like Hamm’s in favor of godamned Miller Lite.  It makes 1984 look like 1999 (the Orwell novel and the Prince album, not the Van Halen album and the Prince album because both albums are pretty fucking sweet.)  My only hope is that this dystopian future will somehow involve Judge Dredd riding around Mega-City One shooting people in the fucking face.  More likely it’ll involve a lot of 90’s era Aerosmith and shooting CD’s at a bunch of nearly identical government thugs.  
Dredd 3D was one of the best movies I've ever seen and it bombed.  You people disgust me.  Someday they'll make a Revolution X movie and you retards will eat it up like the last three Transformers movies.

No caption necessary
All that being said, Hamm’s is pretty good.  It’s about as stripped down as a beer can be, while still tasting exactly like beer should.  If I had to choose one beer to represent American beer on a deep space mission, Hamm’s would be my Kal-El son of Jor-El.  (In this elaborate hypothetical Bill Clinton is Lex Luther and George W. Bush is Brainiac.  Figure it out stupids.)  Essentially, I think Hamm’s isn’t great but it’s one of the beeriest beers that ever beered.  To those of you that think it’s kind of a copout to say that a beer tastes like beer, let me say that totally I agree with you.  On that note, Hamm’s is kind of grainy like MGD but not as harsh, like a slightly fancier Miller High Life.  That’s right, it’s fancier than the champagne of beers.
Ingrid Pitt, from the film Where Eagles Dare.  Note:  She Ain't No Goddamn Sonofabitch! (you better think about it baby)

I think this one turned out pretty well, and I got to try a decent beer for the very first time.  I’m going to call it before I say something stupid, well stupider than usual.  I do drink a lot.  Before I wrap it up, I have to say that it’s really unfortunate that a once proud beer seems relegated to the sands of history.  Go buy some Hamm’s so we can prevent a future where the only choices are Miller Lite and going sober.  You won’t like me when I’m sober.
Fortunately I don't see that happening anytime soon.
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