Friday, December 7, 2012

Interview Tips II: Freddy's Revenge

Do you believe in UFOs, astral projections, mental telepathy, ESP, clairvoyance, spirit photography, telekinetic movement, full trance mediums, the Loch Ness monster and the theory of Atlantis?

I'm back with even more interview tips. (check out my other tips here.) Please keep in mind these are ADVANCED interview techniques.  Please be prepared for the sheer amount of awesomeness you will unleash. Fainting is a common side effect; however so is being hired on the spot for a job paying SIX figures!

Note: At times I refer to the hypothetical boss by masculine pronouns because I find "him or her" to be rather cumbersome.  Also I assume the boss is a guy.

Why are you leaving your current position?

“My manager wasn’t handsome enough.” Then wink at them.  If that doesn’t work I suggest you start “speaking in tongues.”  One time a lady at a Burger King started babbling nonsense at me and told me she was speaking in tongues, so I assume that’s how it’s done.  The whole thing made me super uncomfortable.  Odds are it will do the same to the person interviewing you.  If they don’t hire you, congratulations you can now sue them for religious discrimination, I think.  On the outside chance the person interviewing you is also insane be prepared to talk about the Book of Revelations, A LOT.     
The girl that accosted me at Burger King looked homeschooled, unlike the girl in this impossible to believe Burger  King promo campaign

What attracts you to this position?

“Two words: Mad poontang!”  Then go for the high-five.  They will not leave you hanging.  If you end up with “one of those people” (e.g. those that do not find crude sexual terms humorous or endearing) you probably don’t want to work there anyway, but you can cover your tracks by saying, “just kidding” and pretending you raised your hand really fast to mess with your hair.
Don't do what Donny Don't does (click for animation)

Have you ever had a conflict with a boss? How was it resolved?

Either say that you bested him in combat or that you seduced him.  The first option lets them know you are not a man to be trifled with, but that you respect the ancient laws of combat.  The second option let’s an employer know that you are willing to put your differences aside.  A more advanced interviewing technique is a combination of the two: saying you seduced your boss to lull them into a false sense of security and then bashed his brains in while he was asleep.
It's either Thunderdome or the ol' honeypot.

Are you a team player?

Explain that you see yourself as more of a lone wolf.  Basically you want to start setting up a Han Solo type of story arc.  You want their respect and admiration to grow as they peel back the layers of the onion, and discover there’s more to you than money.  Of course they could also discover you’re more of a lone wolf like Lee Harvey Oswald or Charles Whitman; in which case I’d prefer it if you blamed it on “The Cather in the Rye” and didn’t mention this blog post during your interrogation. 
Remember:  J.D. Salinger, not the Dan for All Seasons

Tell me about your education.

“Good at math.” (See previous post.)

Describe projects you’ve worked on.

Sweet game.
“The Manhattan Project.”  It was one of the most prestigious projects one could be a part of, a gathering of the some of the greatest scientific minds of all time.  The best part is it was all top secret, real hush-hush, so you won’t have to elaborate too much.  If pressed for details you might want to watch that Paul Newman movie about it.  DO NOT just give the plot to the Ninja Turtles Nintendo game with the same title, it’s pretty different.

What is best in life?

Crush your enemies. See them driven before you and hear the lamentations of their women.
"Crush your enemies. See them driven before you and hear the lamentations of their women."

What duties/responsibilities do you have at your current position?

It doesn't matter what you say here just be sure to say “like a boss!” after everything you list.  It let’s people know that even if you cleaned toilets you did it like a boss.  You may want to throw in an Austin Powers impression.  It may not help, but it certainly couldn't hurt.
Elizabeth Hurley is SHAGEDELIC BABY! YEAH!

Tell me about a challenge you’ve faced and how you overcame it.

People like a good story, and I can’t think of a better one than the movie Powder.  Although it’s tempting to tell your prospective boss the about the Battle of the Bulge it lacks the emotional complexity and depth of the 1995 Sean Patrick Flannery vehicle.  If your interviewer is a fan of the film (highly likely) they will respect your choice and you’ll both be laughing about it later when you’re both watching Powder from the comfort of your new boss’s Jacuzzi.  If by some chance your boss isn’t a fan of the film you may have to transfer the fear from a dying deer into your boss to make your point.  
If Powder ever winked at me I'd kill myself

1 comment:

  1. Tks very much for your post.

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