Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Keystone Light

When I hear the word “Keystone” the first thing that comes to mind is Keystone Kapers, one of my all time favorite games for the Atari.  Unfortunately, despite the game’s popularity and inherit awesomeness, it’s never really entered the pantheon of “classics” like Ms. Pac-Man or even Yar’s Revenge.  It’s also unfortunate that the second thing I think about when I hear the word “Keystone” is Keystone Light, a beer I can’t stand.  The third thing I think of is Pennsylvania, “the Keystone State,” but that seems kind of irrelevant to this article.

Speaking of 30 Rock, here's sexy Tina Fey

Keystone Light is sold in a 30 pack also known as a “30 stone” or “30 rock.” Last time I was at the grocery store I was caught in the unfortunate circumstance of being almost out of beer, with a looming deadline.  I saw an ad for Keystone Light and knew what I had to do.  It was kind of like when Mad Max had to kill that retard in Thunderdome.  I wasn’t happy with my situation, but if I didn’t purchase some Keystone Tina Turner would metaphorically kick me out of Barter Town.  If that metaphor doesn’t make sense, let’s just say it’s one less retard (shitty beer) I gotta worry about in the future.

Calling Keystone Light retarded sums up my feelings pretty well.  Lots of people have something they won’t drink anymore because of one time when they had a really bad experience.  I’ve never had that problem (see previous post) with anything I’ve ever drank; however I’ve had plenty of bad experiences with people that drink Keystone Light.  In college everyone drank cheap beer.  My friends and I tended to drink a lot of King Cobra and Miller High Life.  On the other side of the coin, idiot “Dude-bro’s” (guys that say dude and bro a lot) tended to drink a lot of Keystone Light.  To this day I can’t think of Keystone Light without thinking of douchebag sexual degenerates and rap metal.

This year Todd is going as a date rapist for Halloween

Admittedly, I'm being pretty prejudiced and a little unfair; however Keystone Light has done little to distance themselves from my stereotype.  Their official website looks like a ripoff of College Humor or Funny or Die.  I say this mostly because all of the material is pretty much taken directly from the aforementioned websites, and laid out very poorly.  Based on their website and facebook page it seems they are trying to appeal to college kids and “go viral.”  That’s not a problem I guess, except for one thing: Keith Stone.

Keith Stone is the mascot or spokesman or whatever for Keystone Light and I fucking hate him.  Just look at his guy:

Note the trucker hat, leather vest, stupid facial hair, vaguely retro t-shirt, and dumb expression.

In short, he looks like a fucking asshole.  He looks like a combination of a frat boy and a goddamn hillbilly.  I assume that’s look they’re going for; they want to appeal to retards in college while not alienating their hardcore redneck (Indiana) fanbase.  For this reason I have decided that he’s my new arch enemy, which is perfect timing: my old arch enemy, Brett Favre, having recently been defeated.  In case you’re wondering, Brett Favre was defeated when I found out that he had a really small penis.  No woman is going to want to have sex with you after you send her a picture of your tiny dong.  (I on the other hand can’t get enough pictures of tiny dicks, so next time you get out of the pool take a picture and hit me up!)

What a waste of precious cans!  Somewhere a homeless man is crying.

Keystone makes a big deal about how smooth their beer is, and I must confess it is “always smooth” like the can says.  It’s about as flavorless as it gets, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.  As I pointed out with Buck Range Light: it’s better that a beer taste like water than a hot turd.  In fact, Keystone Light tastes pretty similar to Buck Range Light, or I guess Buck Range Light tastes like Keystone.  After all, Keystone came out a decade earlier and certainly outsells Buck Range Light, but I reviewed Buck Range first so go fuck yourself.

I guess I’m trying to say that once you get past the retarded frat boy douche-baggery it’s not that bad.  All in all it hasn’t been too bad of an experience this time around.  I made a new arch nemesis, and I got to drink beer and play Keystone Kapers.  I do have to pee a lot though.  Keystone is only 4.2% alcohol, so I’ve been slamming them all night.  I guess that’s just one of the downsides to Keystone Light, the other notable downside being that people in my community saw me purchase Keystone Light.  I bet they’re going to put me on some sort of sexual predator list.  Oh well, it’s not the first time and it certainly won’t be the last.  Anyone know how much an ice-cream truck costs?

Looks like the Danmeister was within 300 feet of a school again.

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Red Dog

I first discovered Red Dog, in college.  Back then, I might not have always had money for food that wasn’t Ramen based, but thanks to beers like Red Dog at least I didn’t have to eat the Ramen completely sober.  Ever since I started this section of my blog I’ve looked forward to one day reviewing Red Dog.  It might not sound like much, but it’s not every day you get to review a beer that costs about half the price of Miller Lite and tastes twice as good. 

Just a reminder: the 80's sucked.

The most common question I get asked when I tell people I like Red Dog is, “they still make that stuff?”  So let’s just clear that up right off the bat.  Yes, Red Dog (not to be confused with Rude Dog) is widely available.  It’s a fair enough question though; Red Dog was introduced by Miller in 1994 as their entry in the “Red Beer Wars.”  At the time of this blog post, it is the only known survivor of this conflict. Unlike the” Ice-Beer Wars” of the same era or the Cola Wars of the 80’s, very little is known (easily found on the internet) about this conflict.  I don’t remember much about beer in 1994, being only 11 years old, but I do remember that all of the sudden red beer was fucking everywhere.   In particular I remember this commercial:   

I don’t know how Red Dog survived the Red Beer Wars conflict, but I can hazard a guess.  In the late 1930’s the Nazis invented the blitzkrieg, or lightning war.  Since then, defensive coordinators have used the word “blitz” for plays in which they send players that are normally in coverage to attack the offensive backfield (it is unknown if any defense has ever gotten bogged down in the harsh Russian winter.)  But before WWII, the “blitz” was called “Red Dog.”  Perhaps the marketing execs at Red Dog hired Bulldog Turner to beat the shit out of the competition.  It would explain the bulldog mascot, but I guess it’s kind of unlikely since Bulldog Turner is dead.  What’s far more likely is Red Dog survived because Red Dog has attitude baditude. 

"I'm gonna murdalize you Red Wolf Beer!"

Unlike your goddamn pussy beers, Red Dog is pissed.  If you don’t believe me just watch that commercial again.  Then smack yourself in the nutsack for doubting Red Dog.  This baditude has led to what is probably my favorite thing about Red Dog: the bottle caps.  On the underside of every Red Dog bottle cap there’s a little message.  These messages all read like some Miller ad-exec’s idea of clever, badassness.  The language and innuendo on the bottle caps never even crosses into PG-13 territory, so they come off as completely out of touch and hilarious.  They’re like the “Cool Kid” in an after school special or your racist Great Uncle.  Completely harmless and funny.   

Click on the pic to get sum Red Dog attitude!!!

If those caps don’t seem that funny to you, I guarantee that it is fucking hilarious with six or seven Red Dogs in you.  Still not convinced?  Consider this: If you turn the Red Dog logo upside down it looks like Batman going down on some chick!

You'd think he'd have a device on his belt for that

If this doesn’t seem like your kind of joke, maybe Red Dog isn’t the beer for you.  Actually, if that doesn’t seem like your kind of joke, what the hell are you doing reading this blog?  Shouldn’t you be hunting foxes or some shit like that?  The rest of us have an “uncommonly smooth” beer to drink.

"In Soviet Russia, beer drink you."

Speaking of which, I haven’t even touched on the flavor.  It tastes nothing like Red Pop, in fact I have no idea what’s “red” about Red Dog other than the name.  It’s not a pinko commie beer; it doesn’t taste like boiled shoelaces and depression.  It tastes pretty goddamned amazing, especially for a beer of this ilk.  Usually when beer is this cheap you have to settle for no flavor or a bad flavor.  Red Dog tastes good and goes down smooth, with none of the poo aftertaste you get with most cheap beer.  Sure there are certainly better beer out there, but not many on the bottomshelf. 

Between the flavor and the price you really can’t go wrong with Red Dog.  Although Red Dog is sold in cans and bottles, I’d say stick to the bottles.  It tastes better, and you get the hilarious bottle caps.  One of the drunkest nights in my life was fueled primarily by Red Dog, and the next day I took a final with vomit in my hair.  It might not have been fun at the time, but it’s one of my favorite stories about college, and I got a B; somehow. That being said I’ll give Red Dog an A+.  Buy some today. 

Everyone loves Red Dog (except Ramiro)

Note:  I try to spice up this blog with pics of hot babes that are loosely related to the article, but if you google “sexy chick and dog” the results are simply disgusting.  I guess I’ll have to go with a somewhat unrelated picture of REDhead Christina Hendricks.