Monday, April 18, 2011

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Schlitz Malt Liquor

The Luvabulls, sexing it up for the greatest basketball team in the world

I grew up in the Southwest Suburbs of Chicago in the 90’s.  During that era the Chicago Bulls won six World Championships.  My enthusiasm for the team was so great that I celebrated their 6th title by running around the block in my underwear.  I ended up slipping on a patch of wet grass and tearing my butt cheek open.  Anyway, The Chicago Bulls finished this season with the best record in the NBA, and I knew I had to do something equally awesome to celebrate.  I considered ripping open my other butt cheek, but I already have anal fissures so it would be a hollow tribute.  Instead I will be doing a Chicago Bulls themed bottomshelf beer review.  To that end, I will be drinking Schlitz Malt Liquor the only cheap beer I know of with a bull on the can.
The duct tape is irrelevant, but I think it adds dimension and movement to the picture

A bunch of guys I assume are good at basketball
This proved a more daunting task than I originally figured.  I don’t want to get too into it here (because I’m lazy saving the story for a future post.)  But I had to drive all the way to the fucking ghetto to find me some Schlitz Malt Liquor.  An inconvenience sure, but I take it as a good sign that the selection of malt liquor is somewhat limited by my house.  Plus, it adds to the tribute.  Derrick Rose spent his offseason ratcheting his game up to a superhuman level.  The least I could do is drive to a shitty neighborhood and buy a cold 4 pack of Schlitz Malt Liquor.  As an added bonus, I could tell just by looking around the store that all the other patrons were definitely really good at basketball.  I thought about asking them for some pointers, but decided in the end to get the hell out of there without making eye-contact with anyone.

When I got home the first thing I noticed about the can was the majestic bull on the front.  The second thing I noticed was the bull’s giant majestic nutsack: 
Revel in his majesty

This isn’t a photograph from nature; it’s an artist’s rendition of what a bull looks like.  Interestingly, the artist chose to include the bull’s beanbag, further driving home my point about the Schlitz/Chicago Bulls connection.  I mean, The Bulls got cajones.  If the bull had a dunce cap or a big wet sopping vagina it would be hard not to draw a parallel between the bull and The Heat or The Pistons, but big masculine balls puts him firmly in The Chicago Bull’s camp.  I sure have talked about testicles a lot in this paragraph; the only surprising thing is that I haven’t said anything about twinks.  Ya’ know, young hairless men.  The two tend to go hand-in-hand for me and I can’t think about scrotums without thinking about shaving cream and…uh.

Straight outta Oklahoma...
The can also says, “O.M.L . Original malt Liquor.”  Abbreviating something and then giving the long version seems a little redundant to me.  I guess they wanted O.M.L. to catch on as an “urban” or “hip-hop” slang for Schlitz Malt Liquor.  I cursory check of google reveals that Oklahoma Municipal League is the most common use of the initials O.M.L., so unless there’s a bunch of shit about Oklahoma! on the new Ice Cube album I think it’s safe to say that it didn’t catch on. 

The can goes onto state that O.M.L. (Schlitz) is 5.9% alcohol, which puts it about on par with Olde English in terms of how quick it gets you drunk.  The side of the can also has some nonsense government warnings, but since you’re reading this far I assume you’re a Bulls fan and not a goddamn pussy so if you want to drink when you’re pregnant I’m not going to stop you.  If you read the fine print next to the government warning you’ll discover that the “O.M.L.” is confusingly made by Stoh’s and not Schlitz.  I guess it’s kind of like when they pay a director a bunch of money to attach his name to a movie he had nothing to do with (I will never completely forgive Wes Craven for fucking Dracula 2000) the difference of course being that Schlitz Malt Liquor is actually pretty damn good.
Carlos BOOZEr.  Get it?!?!?!  I slay me.  What's with dudes with shaved heads and weird facial hair?  When did that become a thing?

It tastes like beer; not malt liquor, not cheap shitty beer, but beer.  It’s about the only malt liquor I’ve ever had that isn’t completely undrinkable when it gets warm.  Usually by the time I get to the bottom of my 40 it tastes like warm piss.  Granted, I have asshole friends and regularly leave my 40’s unattended, but even when I woke up with a big floppy dong Sharpied onto my forehead my Schlitz Malt Liquor was still good to the last drop.  This is truly a malt liquor worthy of a Championship team like The Chicago Bulls.
Jennifer Beals is from Chicago, she is also half black.  I think it's safe to say that she's a huge Bulls fan.

Two years ago I personally watched The Bulls get blown out 107 to 86 against the Boston Celtics in the playoffs.  By the end of the game I was crying in my beer and yelling “Tom Brady broke his leg!” at any Celtics fans I came across.  This year The Bulls are going all the way.  I’m celebrating by drinking Schlitz the official malt liquor of the Chicago Bulls and playing NBA Jam.  I suggest you pick up some up today and join the party.
What other game lets you play as Frank Thomas and Scottie Pippen?


  1. I remember that blow out game. It was the only one of that series that was like that, the rest were like triple over time thrillers...

  2. D Rose is certainly playing at a superhuman level. I wish he didn't wait until the last 5 minutes to jump out of his phone booth though. A minor complaint on an amazing season that totally got me back into basketball.

    By the way, Boozer has a crazy beard because he and Noah are genies. Find a pic with their arms crossed, and you'll agree.

  3. If you are not drinking Tall Boys, you don't know Schlitz