When I delivered pizza, most of the deliveries were in beautiful Alsip Illinois or the surrounding suburbs. As you can imagine, one of the main challenges when delivering pizza was finding the place you’re supposed to be delivering to. Fortunately, I grew up in Alsip and knew the area like I know the top of my penis, er…the back of my hand, with some minor exceptions, most notably the trailer park.
|An excuse to post Daisy Duke|
I knew exactly where the trailer park was, but since I don’t smoke meth I’d never had reason to venture down its labyrinthine streets. Now I’ve watched my share of The Dukes of Hazzard, and the first time I delivered to the trailer park I surprise by the lack of conveniently placed ramps, jumps and bales of hay. I also got really fucking lost. There were no streetlights and every street was “one way only” with a 10mph speed limit. How was the General Lee (my 1998 Mercury Mystique) supposed to get around in that sort of shit? It didn’t help matters any that the trailers’ addresses were seemingly passed out at random, like some sort of hillbilly Sudoku. Remember how Indiana Jones had to use a model city and a staff to find the Ark of the Covenant? Well it was pretty much like that every time I went there.
|I spent hours playing this simulation and still got lost|
|"Git off my land!"|
Most of the people that lived in the trailer park were very nice people. As for the rest, well there’s a reason you always see trailer parks on Cops. One of our more frequent customers always reeked of pot. That in and of itself wasn’t that big a deal. It may surprise you, but lots of people order pizza when they’re baked off their ass. The problem is that this guy thought he had to hide it, like I give a shit. He’d make me sit outside in the dark for fifteen minutes, so he could Febreeze the place. All the while, a bunch of goddamn junkyard Rottweilers barked their asses off and growled at me. (What’s with poor people and mean ugly dogs?)
With me so far? OK, now imagine you’re watching the hottest porno you’ve ever seen, but when the camera finally shows the girls face; she looks exactly like your sister. Well this article is that porno. Ugh…What I’m trying to say is that it’s easy to laugh about hillbillies, but this kind of behavior wasn’t just restricted to trailer parks. Lots of people, just like you, would leave me stranded on the porch while they hid their weed, collected money from their deadbeat friends, or kicked their mean dog in the balls. If that sounds like you and you laughed at that pothead guy in the trailer park you probably feel exactly like Luke Skywalker did in that cave on Dagobah. You cut off Darth Vader’s head and you saw your own face. (I guess that’s probably a better metaphor but I’m already committed to the weird porno joke.)
|I assume you look exactly like Mark Hamil|
Fear not, the problem is easily solved. When you order a pizza stop masturbating for five minutes and get your shit together. If you have a coupon or want to pay with a credit card, let them know over the phone when placing the order. It’ll make the whole transaction go smoother and you can get right back to masturbating. When you place your order it’s also a good idea to let them know any special directions that will make your house easier to find, and turn your goddamn porch light on. If you’re Jewish, you might want to put some lamb’s blood over your door. It might not make your house much easier to find, but it will prevent the Angel of Death from murdering your first born.
|The Angel of Death is also the Angel of Slutty Halloween Costumes|
I think those are some helpful hints and I covered everything I was going to say about the trailer park, with one major exception. I was trying really hard this whole blog post to work in a reference to Leatherface and it just didn’t work. I don’t know what the problem was; this article is already random as hell. It’s not like it would have ruined my “artistic vision.” I guess saying his name in this conclusion kind of shoehorns him in, but it feels kinda forced to me. Oh well, in the words of George W. Bush, “mission accomplished!” Until next time, remember to tip your pizza guy.
|Dance like no one is watching|