Thursday, January 31, 2013

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Budweiser Black Crown

If you don't feel like reading this check out the video version here.
A scene from the commercial for the commercial.  Could be a lot worse.

Budweiser Black Crown officially launched during the Super Bowl, and it’s about fucking time.  Almost a month prior to the Super Bowl commercial they started showing commercials for the commercial to build anticipation for the new beer commercial.  Well, I for one was certainly excited.  Not only was Budweiser gifting me a new beer to review, but I knew I’d be treated to a multi-million dollar advertising campaign; the likes of which we hadn’t seen since Budweiser released Bud Light Platinum last year at the Super Bowl.  I was not disappointed in that regard.  You can just tell everything right down to the color, placement, font, and shape of the label has been thought of, considered, planned out, vetted, voted on and redesigned down to the smallest detail.
As perfect as the hair of a werewolf drinking a pina colada  at  Trader Vic's

Metal chick
All that attention to detail makes the name Black Crown seem even weirder than it is.  What gives?  It sounds less like a new version of Budweiser and more like a shitty High School Heavy Metal band.  Ya know, the kind that plays slightly off tempo Megadeth and Metallica covers, but don’t call them a coverband or they’ll play some of their godawful original songs?   The label offers some explanation:

“We challenged our 12 Budweiser Brewmasters to create a new masterpiece. Six unique beers were crafted and sampled… One was chosen.  This amber lager’s toasted caramel, malt notes, and smooth finish earned it the Black Crown.  Now it’s been stolen.  You and your companions must embark on a quest to the Cave of Skulls to get it back.”

I think that sounds more like the plot to a Dungeons and Dragons Campaign Module than the story of a beer.  To be fair, I added that last part about the quest to the Cave of Skulls, but I think it works especially because the King of Beers thing is already Budweiser canon.    

Black Crown is fucking aces.  It has a rich full flavor, with a touch of the bitterness you get with things like hops, barley, and other “real” ingredients that are typically in short supply when it comes to bottomshelf beer.  I could actually taste Ye Olde toasted caramel, malt notes and all that other shit the label talked about.  I actually felt compelled to pour it into a glass.  It still has a Budweiser aftertaste, and when it hits you’re like, “Oh right, Budweiser.”  But it’s good.  I was even going to go so far as to say that a beer snob on a budget should give Black Crown a taste, but then I pictured some douche in a scarf saying, “you really think this tastes good?”  So instead I’ll just say go fuck yourself you smug asshole.  
If it's not cold and you're not Doctor Who there's no reason to wear a scarf

Budweiser Black Crown gets my seal of approval.  Buy some today; because there’s no telling if Black Crown will take its rightful place amongst the Kings of Beers, or be discarded to the ash heap of history along with the likes of Budweiser American Ale, Bud Dry, Bud Extra, Bud Ice Light, Bud the Pretender and Bud the Usurper.  I made the last two up but I think they tie in with the whole sword and sorcery thing we established in the second paragraph.  Also, if anyone at Budweiser wants to look at my spec script “The Cave of Skulls” don’t hesitate to get in touch. 
If this is your kind of thing, get ready to read the greatest script of all time.
UPDATE 2-4-2013
New video version:

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