Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Budweiser Black Crown

If you don't feel like reading this check out the video version here.

A scene from the commercial for the commercial.  Could be a lot worse.

Budweiser Black Crown officially launched during the Super Bowl, and it’s about fucking time.  Almost a month prior to the Super Bowl commercial they started showing commercials for the commercial to build anticipation for the new beer commercial.  Well, I for one was certainly excited.  Not only was Budweiser gifting me a new beer to review, but I knew I’d be treated to a multi-million dollar advertising campaign; the likes of which we hadn’t seen since Budweiser released Bud Light Platinum last year at the Super Bowl.  I was not disappointed in that regard.  You can just tell everything right down to the color, placement, font, and shape of the label has been thought of, considered, planned out, vetted, voted on and redesigned down to the smallest detail.

As perfect as the hair of a werewolf drinking a pina colada  at  Trader Vic's

Metal chick

All that attention to detail makes the name Black Crown seem even weirder than it is.  What gives?  It sounds less like a new version of Budweiser and more like a shitty High School Heavy Metal band.  Ya know, the kind that plays slightly off tempo Megadeth and Metallica covers, but don’t call them a coverband or they’ll play some of their godawful original songs?   The label offers some explanation:

“We challenged our 12 Budweiser Brewmasters to create a new masterpiece. Six unique beers were crafted and sampled… One was chosen.  This amber lager’s toasted caramel, malt notes, and smooth finish earned it the Black Crown.  Now it’s been stolen.  You and your companions must embark on a quest to the Cave of Skulls to get it back.”

I think that sounds more like the plot to a Dungeons and Dragons Campaign Module than the story of a beer.  To be fair, I added that last part about the quest to the Cave of Skulls, but I think it works especially because the King of Beers thing is already Budweiser canon.    

Black Crown is fucking aces.  It has a rich full flavor, with a touch of the bitterness you get with things like hops, barley, and other “real” ingredients that are typically in short supply when it comes to bottomshelf beer.  I could actually taste Ye Olde toasted caramel, malt notes and all that other shit the label talked about.  I actually felt compelled to pour it into a glass.  It still has a Budweiser aftertaste, and when it hits you’re like, “Oh right, Budweiser.”  But it’s good.  I was even going to go so far as to say that a beer snob on a budget should give Black Crown a taste, but then I pictured some douche in a scarf saying, “you really think this tastes good?”  So instead I’ll just say go fuck yourself you smug asshole.  

If it's not cold and you're not Doctor Who there's no reason to wear a scarf

Budweiser Black Crown gets my seal of approval.  Buy some today; because there’s no telling if Black Crown will take its rightful place amongst the Kings of Beers, or be discarded to the ash heap of history along with the likes of Budweiser American Ale, Bud Dry, Bud Extra, Bud Ice Light, Bud the Pretender and Bud the Usurper.  I made the last two up but I think they tie in with the whole sword and sorcery thing we established in the second paragraph.  Also, if anyone at Budweiser wants to look at my spec script “The Cave of Skulls” don’t hesitate to get in touch. 

If this is your kind of thing, get ready to read the greatest script of all time.

UPDATE 2-4-2013
New video version:

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Bud Light Lime-A-Rita

"What is Bud Light Lime-A-Rita you assk?"

Bud Light Lime-A-Rita, is quite possibly the stupidest named “beer” I’ve reviewed so far and that’s saying a lot.  Most reviews of Bud Light Lime-A-Rita I’ve sifted through so far treat it like an actual beer.  They talk of “head retention,” “nose,” and other things serious beer reviewers talk about when referring to things like foam and smell.  The earlier quotation marks around the word beer were no accident; if there’s any beer in this stuff I can’t taste it.  This makes me sad.  I certainly wouldn’t have bought the stuff if it didn’t say “Bud Light” on the damned box, but I think it’s a waste of my time and yours to pretend Bud Light Lime-A-Rita is anything other than what it is, so what is it?

I spent many a "Couples Skate" hiding in the bathroom

It is first and foremost sugary.  At the Oak Lawn Roller Rink they used to sell a drink called a “Smurf” which was uncut Sno-Cone syrup served on the rocks.  I personally never had the money for a Lime flavored Smurf, but I can now hazard a guess what it tasted like.  This stuff is too sweet, and that’s coming from someone that used to literally eat Pixie Stix and Mountain Dew for lunch.  (In case you’re wondering I stopped eating Pixie Stix by the bag when I was 19 years old and my dentist told me I had the mouth of a middle aged man.)  If on the other hand you find circus peanuts and candy corn tart Bud Light Lime-A-Rita might be right up your alley, and my hat goes off to you.  I used to think people that drank malt beverages like Mike’s Hard, Smirnoff Ice, and BLLaR were pussies that couldn’t handle beer, but if they can deal with the heartburn and diabetes brought on by their drink(s) of choice they’re a lot tougher than me.

Tougher than Sarah Connor

"TRY IT VITH ICE!"

The can suggests, nay commands, that I try Bud Light Lime-A-Rita over ice, and just to let you know that they’re fucking serious they wrote it in all caps and added an exclamation point.  Keep your shirt on, asshole.  The ice certainly helps but it’s still feels like gingivitis in a can.  This stuff is 8% ABV, but I made a command decision and added 2oz of tequila to the 8oz can.  It’s pretty good now, still a little sweet, but now it tastes more like a real margarita and less like I’m snorting pure cane sugar through a Twizzler.  It probably tastes closer to a can of Mountain Dew mixed with tequila than a real margarita, but it’s a step in the right direction.  (Must try mixing Mountain Dew with tequila.) 

Now I know why they chose a drunken hillbilly as their mascot

The can refers to BLLaR as a “margarita with a twist.”  A twist of what exactly?  Less alcohol?  8%ABV is pretty high when it comes to beer, but not mixed drinks, at least the way I drink them.  Of course, my testicles have descended.  The can also says “Bud Light," which is even more curious than their demand that I “TRY IT WITH ICE!”  The can says “Bud” even though it contains seemingly no beer, and says “Light” despite the fact that an 8oz can contains 220 calories.  Bud Light only has 110 calories in a 12oz can, which means that the ‘Rita is double the calories of a regular Bud Light in a can that’s a third smaller.  I’m not great with math, but I think that means drinking even a moderate amount of Bud Light Lime-A-Rita will make you fucking fat.  I would say that the “BL” in BLLaR is disingenuous to say the least.

"Too much Bud Light Lime-A-Rita."

Years ago, I saw Crispin Glover’s Willard remake in the theater.  At the end of the film a patron in front of me complained that it was the “worst movie ever.”  To which I countered that he “must have seen a different movie than me.  I saw the one about a guy with an army of rats.”  That’s what the preview said the movie was about and on that promise the film certainly delivered.  Bud Light Lime-A-Rita is a beer-less, lime flavored, sugar rush in a can, which I should have seen coming when I bought the stuff.  My bad.  The only things I can really take them to task for are the high price (12.99 for 12 8oz cans WTF?) and the astronomically high calorie content in their “light” drink.  Oh well, time to buy a singlet and start lifting weights to burn off those extra Cal-o-ritas.

Sumthin' for the ladies.  In case you're wondering I'm the black guy in the middle.

And sumthin' for the guys...

Laura Elena Harring was in Willard. Hubbah Hubbah! 

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Bud Light Platinum

"15-yard penalty for not writing a football sexual pun caption."

Last Sunday the New York Football Giants played the hated New England Patriots in the Super Bowl.  It was a good game, but seeing as it was the most watched event in American history I really don’t feel the need to rehash it in any sort of detail.  For the benefit of the international readers of this blog: The Giants won and I got pretty drunk; also the commercials kind of sucked this year.  Advertising during the most watched event in American history is kind of a big deal, but this year the commercials were pretty forgettable.

How is a commerical without sexy ladies and dudes in cowboy hats supposed to excite me?

That's more like it

I don’t know whether it was the crappiness of the commercials or the fact that I spent every commercial break loudly telling my buddy Brian about the American Flagg hardcover reissue and enumerating the finer points of Troll 2, but I completely missed the commercial unveiling Anheuser-Busch’s new beer, Bud Light Platinum.  Resultantly, I got blindsided by the stuff a week or so later when I went to buy myself a case of Schlitz.  I mean blindsided in a much more literal sense than most people do.  The box was really shiny, like the inside of that briefcase in Pulp Fiction.  The new bottles looked sleek and hi-tech like a concept car or a really high-end vibrator.  Was this new look justified?  Was it the same shit in a different package like every fucking U2 album for the last 15 years?  Or is it nuanced and different like Ms. Pacman; the Stefan Urquell to Bud Light’s Steve Urkel?

How the fuck was this crappy show so popular for so long?

Astute readers are well aware of my longstanding hatred of light beer, due to its lower alcohol content and lack of flavor. Bud Light Platinum solves half the problem by offering 6% ABV (Bud Light is only 4.2% ABV and Budweiser is only 5%,) which means less trips to the bathroom.  Personally I hate going to the bathroom, unless I can take a nice long dump.  As for the flavor, Bud Light Platinum is pretty good, highly carbonated, a little sweet for my taste but definitely better than Bud Light.  It might be because at 137 calories it’s only 7 calories “lighter” than regular Budweiser.  On the other hand it’s only 27 calories more than Bud Light’s 110 calories and Bud Light tastes like they pour it down a homeless man’s asscrack before they bottle it.  For those concerned with maintaining their girlish figure Bud Light Platinum is only 22.83 calories per percentage point of alcohol versus Bud Light’s 26.2cal/1%ABV.  Now there is absolutely, scientifically no reason to drink Bud Light, except for the price.

A couple jugs of Bud Light Platinum

More MoonPies Jeeves!

Platinum beer demands a platinum price.  While I think Bud Light Platinum is pretty good, it’s not $12 a twelve-pack good.  For that kind of money it should suck your dick or do some light yard work. Are there really that many people out there that want cheap beer at a premium price?  If so I’ve got a few $7 MoonPies in my pantry.  The only reason BLPlatinum even qualifies as a bottomshelf beer is because the box says “Bud Light.”  For the kind of price their charging you could buy a twelve-pack of Guinness, or if you’re like me, a 30 pack of LaCrosse Lager.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not as bad as those ivory-tower-snobs on beeradvocate.com claim; it’s just about $3 or $4 more expensive than it should be. 

"Bud Light Platinum? What a lark!"

Torgo

That should change soon enough.  Typically if a beer costs too much it either comes down in price or disappears (the invisible hand of capitalism at work.)  I hope it’s the former because I thought it was pretty good, and if it sticks around it’ll piss off the kind of dick-beater that calls Bud Light Platinum an “affront to civilization.”  (the only beer that qualifies as an affront to civilization is whatever beer Torgo drinks, because just look at that guy.  Creepy, right?)  In the meantime, I’d say drink something cheaper.

BLASTOFF!