Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Bud Light Platinum

"15-yard penalty for not writing a football sexual pun caption."

Last Sunday the New York Football Giants played the hated New England Patriots in the Super Bowl.  It was a good game, but seeing as it was the most watched event in American history I really don’t feel the need to rehash it in any sort of detail.  For the benefit of the international readers of this blog: The Giants won and I got pretty drunk; also the commercials kind of sucked this year.  Advertising during the most watched event in American history is kind of a big deal, but this year the commercials were pretty forgettable.
How is a commerical without sexy ladies and dudes in cowboy hats supposed to excite me?

That's more like it
I don’t know whether it was the crappiness of the commercials or the fact that I spent every commercial break loudly telling my buddy Brian about the American Flagg hardcover reissue and enumerating the finer points of Troll 2, but I completely missed the commercial unveiling Anheuser-Busch’s new beer, Bud Light Platinum.  Resultantly, I got blindsided by the stuff a week or so later when I went to buy myself a case of Schlitz.  I mean blindsided in a much more literal sense than most people do.  The box was really shiny, like the inside of that briefcase in Pulp Fiction.  The new bottles looked sleek and hi-tech like a concept car or a really high-end vibrator.  Was this new look justified?  Was it the same shit in a different package like every fucking U2 album for the last 15 years?  Or is it nuanced and different like Ms. Pacman; the Stefan Urquell to Bud Light’s Steve Urkel?
How the fuck was this crappy show so popular for so long?

Astute readers are well aware of my longstanding hatred of light beer, due to its lower alcohol content and lack of flavor. Bud Light Platinum solves half the problem by offering 6% ABV (Bud Light is only 4.2% ABV and Budweiser is only 5%,) which means less trips to the bathroom.  Personally I hate going to the bathroom, unless I can take a nice long dump.  As for the flavor, Bud Light Platinum is pretty good, highly carbonated, a little sweet for my taste but definitely better than Bud Light.  It might be because at 137 calories it’s only 7 calories “lighter” than regular Budweiser.  On the other hand it’s only 27 calories more than Bud Light’s 110 calories and Bud Light tastes like they pour it down a homeless man’s asscrack before they bottle it.  For those concerned with maintaining their girlish figure Bud Light Platinum is only 22.83 calories per percentage point of alcohol versus Bud Light’s 26.2cal/1%ABV.  Now there is absolutely, scientifically no reason to drink Bud Light, except for the price.
A couple jugs of Bud Light Platinum

More MoonPies Jeeves!
Platinum beer demands a platinum price.  While I think Bud Light Platinum is pretty good, it’s not $12 a twelve-pack good.  For that kind of money it should suck your dick or do some light yard work. Are there really that many people out there that want cheap beer at a premium price?  If so I’ve got a few $7 MoonPies in my pantry.  The only reason BLPlatinum even qualifies as a bottomshelf beer is because the box says “Bud Light.”  For the kind of price their charging you could buy a twelve-pack of Guinness, or if you’re like me, a 30 pack of LaCrosse Lager.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not as bad as those ivory-tower-snobs on claim; it’s just about $3 or $4 more expensive than it should be. 
"Bud Light Platinum? What a lark!"

That should change soon enough.  Typically if a beer costs too much it either comes down in price or disappears (the invisible hand of capitalism at work.)  I hope it’s the former because I thought it was pretty good, and if it sticks around it’ll piss off the kind of dick-beater that calls Bud Light Platinum an “affront to civilization.”  (the only beer that qualifies as an affront to civilization is whatever beer Torgo drinks, because just look at that guy.  Creepy, right?)  In the meantime, I’d say drink something cheaper.


1 comment:

  1. "For that kind of money it should suck your dick or do some light yard work." So you hold these two things to be equal? Man, you sure must hate yard work!