Sunday, February 27, 2011

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Red Dog

I first discovered Red Dog, in college.  Back then, I might not have always had money for food that wasn’t Ramen based, but thanks to beers like Red Dog at least I didn’t have to eat the Ramen completely sober.  Ever since I started this section of my blog I’ve looked forward to one day reviewing Red Dog.  It might not sound like much, but it’s not every day you get to review a beer that costs about half the price of Miller Lite and tastes twice as good. 

Just a reminder: the 80's sucked.
The most common question I get asked when I tell people I like Red Dog is, “they still make that stuff?”  So let’s just clear that up right off the bat.  Yes, Red Dog (not to be confused with Rude Dog) is widely available.  It’s a fair enough question though; Red Dog was introduced by Miller in 1994 as their entry in the “Red Beer Wars.”  At the time of this blog post, it is the only known survivor of this conflict. Unlike the” Ice-Beer Wars” of the same era or the Cola Wars of the 80’s, very little is known (easily found on the internet) about this conflict.  I don’t remember much about beer in 1994, being only 11 years old, but I do remember that all of the sudden red beer was fucking everywhere.   In particular I remember this commercial:   

I don’t know how Red Dog survived the Red Beer Wars conflict, but I can hazard a guess.  In the late 1930’s the Nazis invented the blitzkrieg, or lightning war.  Since then, defensive coordinators have used the word “blitz” for plays in which they send players that are normally in coverage to attack the offensive backfield (it is unknown if any defense has ever gotten bogged down in the harsh Russian winter.)  But before WWII, the “blitz” was called “Red Dog.”  Perhaps the marketing execs at Red Dog hired Bulldog Turner to beat the shit out of the competition.  It would explain the bulldog mascot, but I guess it’s kind of unlikely since Bulldog Turner is dead.  What’s far more likely is Red Dog survived because Red Dog has attitude baditude. 
"I'm gonna murdalize you Red Wolf Beer!"
Unlike your goddamn pussy beers, Red Dog is pissed.  If you don’t believe me just watch that commercial again.  Then smack yourself in the nutsack for doubting Red Dog.  This baditude has led to what is probably my favorite thing about Red Dog: the bottle caps.  On the underside of every Red Dog bottle cap there’s a little message.  These messages all read like some Miller ad-exec’s idea of clever, badassness.  The language and innuendo on the bottle caps never even crosses into PG-13 territory, so they come off as completely out of touch and hilarious.  They’re like the “Cool Kid” in an after school special or your racist Great Uncle.  Completely harmless and funny.   
Click on the pic to get sum Red Dog attitude!!!

If those caps don’t seem that funny to you, I guarantee that it is fucking hilarious with six or seven Red Dogs in you.  Still not convinced?  Consider this: If you turn the Red Dog logo upside down it looks like Batman going down on some chick!
You'd think he'd have a device on his belt for that
If this doesn’t seem like your kind of joke, maybe Red Dog isn’t the beer for you.  Actually, if that doesn’t seem like your kind of joke, what the hell are you doing reading this blog?  Shouldn’t you be hunting foxes or some shit like that?  The rest of us have an “uncommonly smooth” beer to drink.

"In Soviet Russia, beer drink you."
Speaking of which, I haven’t even touched on the flavor.  It tastes nothing like Red Pop, in fact I have no idea what’s “red” about Red Dog other than the name.  It’s not a pinko commie beer; it doesn’t taste like boiled shoelaces and depression.  It tastes pretty goddamned amazing, especially for a beer of this ilk.  Usually when beer is this cheap you have to settle for no flavor or a bad flavor.  Red Dog tastes good and goes down smooth, with none of the poo aftertaste you get with most cheap beer.  Sure there are certainly better beer out there, but not many on the bottomshelf. 

Between the flavor and the price you really can’t go wrong with Red Dog.  Although Red Dog is sold in cans and bottles, I’d say stick to the bottles.  It tastes better, and you get the hilarious bottle caps.  One of the drunkest nights in my life was fueled primarily by Red Dog, and the next day I took a final with vomit in my hair.  It might not have been fun at the time, but it’s one of my favorite stories about college, and I got a B; somehow. That being said I’ll give Red Dog an A+.  Buy some today. 
Everyone loves Red Dog (except Ramiro)

Note:  I try to spice up this blog with pics of hot babes that are loosely related to the article, but if you google “sexy chick and dog” the results are simply disgusting.  I guess I’ll have to go with a somewhat unrelated picture of REDhead Christina Hendricks.


  1. For me, this is the pinnacle of bottom shelf brewing. Do you think they could work out a deal to have Hendricks pics on their labels?

  2. They actually tried putting her on the label, but it led to a pandemic of stockboys masturbating in the beer cooler.

  3. Where the hell else are stockboys supposed to masterbate?!

  4. The employee restroom, just like everyone else.

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