Pizza Delivery Adventures: Porno Pizza

"I'm a HOT dish. Get it?!?!?!"

 *Ding Dong*

“Pizza delivery.”

“Hey, that was fast.  I didn’t even have time to put all my clothes on.”

“It’s okay ma’am.  I’ve got a large sausage pizza for you.”
“I don’t remember ordering large sausage on my pizza.”

“It’s not on the pizza, it’s in my pants!”

Sumthin' for the ladies

Then the guy opens the box, and he cut a hole in both the box and the pizza, and then poked his penis through, like some sort of perverted jack-in-the-box.  Her roommate shows up and they all go at it for a while.  I’ve seen lots of porno movies that start like that, and as someone that delivered pizza for about two years, I can tell you that my customer interactions usually had little in common with that of Harry Reems playing a pizza guy.

I emphasize the word “usually” because one time things worked out a little different (if you know what I mean.)  On this particular occasion, I had a delivery on the ass end of Blue Island, which sucked balls.  You could end up spending over a half hour making a single delivery to Blue Island due to the train tracks, distance, and poorly laid out streets.  To top it off, Blue Island wasn’t exactly known for the huge tips.  You’d be lucky to get $2, and not stiffed outright.

Blue Island, IL

Actual photo before his mushroom cut

I’d been to this customer’s house before, and every time I delivered there the guy didn’t tip very well and gave me a creepy vibe.  Picture a dude with a red mushroom cut, in a stained Cubs shirt opening the door to Cheech and Chong’s van, and you have a pretty good idea what it looked like when the dude opened his front door.  But as I said before, this time was a little different.  It still looked like there was a private Bob Marley concert in the house, but this time the serial killer’s wife answered the door.  She said I was cute, her girlfriend agreed and they invited me inside to hang out.

Fucking finally.

"Hey little man, you wanna come inside?"

Earlier, I said it usually sucked balls to deliver in Blue Island, and this time was…no different.  Remember that red headed kid that was in Son In Law and Big Green?  Well the chick that answered the door looked like that kid with long hair and fat girl boobies.  I was a little flattered when she told her friend that she “had to see me.”  Her friend was better looking, the same way most women are better looking than Godzilla.  She still had kind of a hatchet face, and really weird teeth.  They weren’t traditionally bad, like the hillbilly teeth at Spencer’s Gifts. Her teeth were creepy, like the teeth Dracula would have if he smoked meth.  Monster Teeth said she liked my leather jacket and hair and that I should come in.  I said, “Sorry, I gotta get back to work,” which was a convenient truth (suck my balls Al Gore.)

 The moral of the story: porno movies happen in real life, just not with anyone you would want them to happen with.  This should come as no shock to anyone that grew up in the 90’s.  Back before Al Gore invented the internet, if you were under 18 you had to watch your dad’s full bush porn, or settle for HBO’s Real Sex.  Real Sex was a documentary style show that set out to destroy your preconceived notions about sex, and it did, for the worse.  It turns out: key swapping parties happen; they’re just full of people that look like the PTA.  By the same token, in real life, girls invite the pizza guy in for threeway sex; they just happen to look like proof that grizzly bears and humans can produce viable offspring.    

"Nice hair"

It could have been worse.  One of the guys I worked with was tricked into delivering a pizza by some perverts fucking on the couch.  In comparison, I guess getting propositioned by lamprey-face and a wildebeest wasn't so bad.  But thats the kind of thing pizza guys put up with every day, so tip the pizza guy.

A little sumthin' for the ladies (assuming all women are bi)