Advice for teens

Time to learn

I’ll be the first to admit I don’t know everything; until recently I thought that retardation was the result of women coupling with demons.  Now I know it’s really just fetal alcohol syndrome.  Every year Rolling Stone asks famous people what advice they have for the graduating high school seniors that year.  It’s always a bunch of trite nonsense like, “stay true to yourself.”  With this in mind I sat down to give the youth of today some practical advice.  I’m not a genius, but I guarantee I’m at least as qualified as Rivers Cuomo.

Hang it up already, your 41 goddamned years old.  You look ridiculous.

Safety first, even the mighty Chewbacca wears eye protection

Pop the hood:  As a teenager you probably drive a piece of shit car that dies all the time.  Even if you don’t drive a crappy car, your friends probably do.  When you’re driving with a girl and the car dies, pop the hood and pull out a screwdriver from the glove box.  Insist that your Uncle is a mechanic.  Go outside and check the oil level.  If everything seems on the up and up, root around for a while, maybe call the person you know that knows the most about cars.  If the problem isn’t the oil level or anything someone can figure out over the phone it’s A-OK.  At least you made the effort.  She will be impressed with your chivalry and offer to sleep with you.  P.S. You should probably learn to change a tire and jump a dead battery as those skills will certainly come in handy, and it’s easy as shit and women generally can’t do it.

Watch football:  I didn’t really get into sports until college.  Now, I live and die with the White Sox and Chicago Bears.  I’ve found that sports, particularly football, is the easiest thing in the world to make small talk about with other guys.  Even if the other guy likes the goddamned Vikings I can usually find common ground talking about their offseason moves, running backs, Fran Tarkenton, etc.  Before I got into sports I had to rely on other people being into Star Wars, Iron Maiden, or Magic the Gathering.  The pool of people that includes isn’t as big as one might think. 

Cool!

If you just can’t get into sports, I suggest taking up smoking.  All cool people smoke; furthermore nowadays you have to smoke outside.  It’s become kind of a secret club.  You can’t bitch about your boss inside the office, but outside it’s anything goes.  Speaking of secret clubs…

Join the pen15 club:  The Pen15 club most exclusive powerful club in the country.  It’s kind of like the Freemasons crossed with the Illuminati crossed with Jews.  That being said, it’s super easy to join.  All you have to do is write Pen15 in all capitals letters on your hand or forehead.  You might want to use a permanent marker to show other members that you’re hardcore.

Actual meeting of the Pen15 Club.

The hole in the popcorn trick: A classic, and with good reason.  Next time you bring a girl to the movies take a minute and cut a hole in the popcorn bucket and slide your erect penis through the hole.  Then we she goes to get a handful of popcorn she’ll feel your rock hard member and realize that you’re one masculine dude and get super turned on.  Now you know why Orville Redenbacher was always smiling.

Werewolves are scary:  Everyone’s afraid of werewolves.  If you’re having trouble with a bully show them a picture of a werewolf, it will totally scare the shit out of them.  Better yet, turn into a werewolf, then you could just fucking eat them.  Then go to Trader Vic’s, you deserve it!

Another cool game for cool dudes.

"Wanna play Magic?"

 Ghost Hunters sucks:  I guess it’s not really advice, I mean, you shouldn’t watch the show.  It’s really boring.  The whole show is a couple of nerds listening to tapes of static and being like, ”Did you hear that?”  Then they play the same bit of static over again and say, ”It sounds like someone saying ‘help me.”  Then they play it one more time, and congratulations you’ve just lost five minutes of your life you’ll never get back.

Have sex with as many girls as possible:  This goes double for the ladies.  A lot of the “advice” on the list is just a joke, but I want to make it very clear that I am serious about this.  You have a very short period of time in life between when you become sexually active and when it becomes socially unacceptable (illegal) to have sex with high school girls.  Do it as much as you possibly can.

I couldn't be more serious

 If you have a snake for a penis, keep it to yourself:  Some people are born with an actual living snake where their junk ought to be.  This terrifies most people, including myself.  For the love of God feed it in private.  No one wants to see your penis eat a mouse or small rabbit.  If you ever want to get laid you’re going to either need to find a chick that really likes snakes or really hates herself.  The second type of girl is much easier to find.

I assume this advice applies to King Hiss