My Advice for Teens is 2 Fast 2 Furious

Best high school movie documentary ever

Every year Rolling Stone asks rock stars and other idiots what advice they have for that year’s graduating seniors.  I did one of these last year, and since it’s around graduation time again I thought I’d impart some more pearls of wisdom.  If you’re older or younger than a high school senior you still might find some wisdom in the words of a man that drinks a case of beer every week.  I assure you I'm at least as smart as what passes for a celebrity these days

Kim Kardashian: millionaire; role model; porn star

No one likes a brooding loner:  It’s easy to confuse dark and weird for deep.  I certainly did when I was at my teen angstiest.  Worse still, I thought it will make me seem mysterious and cool.  Nothing could be further from the truth; acting like a glum weirdo makes you seem as such.  Part of the problem is people like Jim Morrison.  By all accounts Jim Morrison was a pretentious drunk that wrote bad poetry, and yet 40 odd years after his death he’s still considered a sex symbol.  I don’t deny that his dark persona contributes to his lasting appeal, but Jim Morrison was also: A.) Rich B.) Famous and C.) Strikingly handsome.  Unless you got one of the three, or really just the last one I’d leave the leather pants at home.

As a point of contrast, everyone likes decidedly non-dour Bill Murray.

Say that you killed two people in self defense:  I don’t care if it’s a first date or a job interview.  There is nothing in the world cooler than killing someone in self defense, except killing two people.  Killing someone and being acquitted by the laws of God and man says that you are a badass but also chivalrous; a man of principle that is not to be trifled with.  Don’t make up an elaborate story.  In fact, the less said the better.  When pressed for details say “I just did what anyone would do” or “all I’m going to say is, I was raised to believe that a man shouldn’t hit a woman.”  Let their imagination do the work.  If you have to elaborate any more than that make sure you say that the guys you killed were white or most people get really uncomfortable.

Vigilantism is the only way to recover from the faux pas of bringing Cybill Sheperd to a porno theater

People don’t change:  If you take nothing else from this blog post take this one to heart.  The reason they make movies about people changing is because it doesn’t fucking happen.  I’ve seen people ruin their lives waiting for someone to change.  Like Cube said, “a bitch is a bitch.”  If a person is an asshole or a lying cunt there is close to a 100% that they’ll stay that way.  Avoid at all costs.  Even if the person does get help, in my experience a drunken asshole is usually still an asshole when they’re sober.  Don’t get me wrong; you can change yourself.  Self improvement and personal growth should be everyone’s highest goal: I used to spend all my money on CD’s and DVD’s, now I just steal them on the internet.  But whatever you do don’t wait for someone else to change.

Sometimes not changing is a good thing, especially when you're Snake Plissken

Some people are pretty on the inside:  Don’t be so superficial.  That nerdy girl you see everyday might actually be the hottest girl in the school.  A lot of the so-called “nerdy” girls are actually smoking hot babes in disguise.  I know it sounds hard to believe but if a girl has a smoking hot body and pretty face she just might be a knockout when she takes off her glasses and shakes her hair out of a bun.     

I know it's hard to believe but this girl is actually quite attractive

Don’t use a motorcycle in the event of a zombie apocalypse:  From Dawn of the Dead to the Walking Dead one of the iconic images of zombie movies is a man riding his motorcycle through the undead hordes, which makes sense.  In popular culture motorcycles represent the freedom of the open road, plus it’s a great excuse to wear a badass leather jacket.  There’s just one problem: two guys riding a motorcycle together look totally fruity.  Imagine you find another survivor; you’re not going to be able to ride him back to your base unless you’re okay with it looking kind of like he’s doing you in the butt.  If movies can be believed there will only be one or two decent looking chicks that survive, and the last thing you want is your awesome leather jacket taking on an unintended context.  A beige Volvo might not be sexy, but if she’s smart she’ll value you for your practicality.

Dawn of the Dead rules

Buy your girlfriend a webcam:  If you’re joining the army or going to a different school nothing will keep you closer together than being able to talk face to face every day.  Even better: your girlfriend can also put on sexy little shows for you, possibly with her roommate.  As a side bonus, if your webcam doesn’t save your relationship and you break up, you can always post the video on the internet for all the disgusting perverts out there.  Not me, I think that kind of thing is gross.

I am shocked and appalled