Monday, May 14, 2012

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Ed Hardy Premium Beer

As Heidi Klum is fond of saying, “in fashion, one day you’re in.  And the next day you’re out.” I don’t know if that’s true, but I tend to trust pretty blondes with large breasts when it comes to fashion.  It’s served me well.  As a matter of fact, I dressed like it was 1998 until my wife took over my wardrobe around 2005.  Between that and my lengthy post about a roleplaying game you guys can probably infer that I don’t exactly have my finger on the pulse of American fashion.  I do however have my finger on the pulse of cheap American beer, and when I saw fashion designer Ed Hardy’s* beer marked down to $5 for two six-packs I dove in dick first.
Fashion plate Danny O'D wearing a shirt with a naked lady impaled though her vagina.

I may greet the world dick first, but I’m not exactly green (“green” being a synonym for “cool” in the major motion picture “The Fifth Element.”)  So I didn’t hear about Ed Hardy until I heard people making fun of Ed Hardy for being passé.  Nowadays, the only people I see that still wear Ed Hardy are obese black women and the cast of the Jersey Shore.  The former I’ll refrain from making fun of because I think most fat black women could beat the shit out of me.  The latter I’ll take a pass on because making fun of The Jersey Shore is more rubbed in the ground than making fun of Ed Hardy.  All Jay Leno has to say is “Snooki” and my grandma is in stitches, which means that a woman who lived through World War II and doesn’t trust computers is still hip enough to know that a character from a show on MTV is worthy of ridicule.**  I on the other hand, think my readers have come to expect a certain level comedy writing on this site.  Did you catch that joke earlier about jumping at things with my dick?  Hilarious.
Also, I don't care what anyone says, I think Jwoww is hot.

I don’t know if it’s a frequent topic on “This American Life” or what, but Ed Hardy, like The Jersey Shore seems to really piss a certain type of grad student person off.  For what it’s worth, I agree that an overpriced T-shirt with a picture of a tattoo of a giraffe with flaming skulls and glitter coming out of its pussy is kind of lame; I just don’t get butt-hurt over it.  Approaching Ed Hardy Premium Beer with an open mind I was happy to discover a decent beer at a lower price than Buck Range Light.  It has a light flavor with a bit of hops.  It tastes almost like one of the lighter premium beers.  Granted, I wasn’t blown away or anything, but it didn’t taste like it was fermented with dead animals floating in it, which is always a bonus.
We can all agree this sucks, but who fucking cares.

Unfortunately for Ed Hardy and his Premium Beer, the kind of person that gets their panties in a twist over Ed Hardy or the Jersey Shore is the same kind of smug asshole who reviews beer on snooty websites.  I’ve complained about that kind of elitist bullshit plenty of times, but after reading the reviews of EHPB on beeradvocate you’d think Ed Hardy was a collaborator in Nazi occupied Europe.  I do have to admit that the lack of a twist off cap comes across as kind of pretentious and leads me to believe that EHPB was originally marketed as a “craft beer,” which in addition to the abysmal reviews from the internet explains how it ended up in the discount bin next to the Polish language VHS tapes.  Especially if they were charging craft beer prices.
I don't care how cheap it is.  You should be buying beer.

I guess there aren’t enough guidos and obese black women in this part of the country willing to pay a premium price for a beer that’s only okay, but their loss is my gain.   It might not be the best beer I’ve ever had, but it’s better than a lot of what I review.  Until next time, I’ll be catching up on Project Runway.  I suggest you all do the same.  Auf wiedersehen.   
As a side note, do you think Tim Gunn and Tommy Gunn from Rocky V are related?

*If I was a gay porn star my name would be “Hard Eddie.”

**Also I don’t think that Jersey Shore is anywhere near the worst show in the history of television.  Do you guys remember Small Wonder?  It was about a guy that worked as a robot inventor, built a little girl robot, and had to keep her secret for some reason.  Wasn’t that his job?  Did it bother anyone else that she had to be the family’s maid?  That’s kind of fucked up, right?  Also I find it hard to believe that any normal guy that could make a lifelike robot wouldn’t make a sex robot, unless maybe he did. 
Dress up for daddy.

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