Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Classic Ice

A classic babe from classic Doctor Who
I consider myself a big fan of the classics: classic literature, classic rock, classic video games, and classic horror movies; as you’ve no doubt surmised on account of all the incessant references to the aforementioned classics littered throughout this blog.  Recently I found myself in a classic horror movie type situation.  I was swimming in a Black Lagoon shopping for a case of delicious beer.  Imagine my horror when I got to the beer section and saw the number of the beast 666, or more accurately 6% 6% 6%: three cases of Classic Ice.  Shit.
If you play the album backwards, there's totally a warning not to drink Classic Ice

Before that fateful day I’d never heard of Classic Ice, and if it was up to me I would not have chosen to explore the eldritch forbidden secrets of a 30 pack of Classic Ice.  Honestly, I just wanted to buy a case of Schlitz and get the hell out of there, but when you see a small shipment of some mystery brew at the grocery store there’s a better than even chance that you’ll never see it again.  Most people take this as a good thing, but as a man who reviews bottomshelf beers I knew I couldn’t let an opportunity like that pass me by.  Now I know how that guy in Call of Cthulhu felt.  
I took one for the team and googled "sexy Cthulhu"  this was the only picture that didn't make me want to throw up

 Under normal circumstances I’d be kind of excited to find a new beer for this blog, but not a whole 30 pack of the stuff.  What if the beer sucks?  I’ll be stuck trying to pawn off 29 cans of putrid swill at every party for the next sixth months.  There’s also the whole “number of the beast” thing (each of the three boxes advertised that Classic Ice contained 6% alcohol.)  Although printing the percentage of alcohol on the label is common in Europe, in America it seems to mostly be a marketing tool to attract only the most wretched and vile of God’s creations (hobos, frat boys, and teenagers.)  As a general rule, if a beer advertises how much alcohol it has and not how tasty it is, it probably tastes like carrion and shit.

Typical Classic Ice drinker.  Note the three empty bottles of Classic Ice

You know how in some horror movies there’s a twist ending?  Like in Friday the 13th: A New Beginning when it turns out that guy dressed as Jason, and not Jason is murdering all those troubled teens?  Or in Jaws when it turns out that the shark is actually Brody’s dad?  Well, Classic Ice is more like an M. Night Shyamalan movie; you think it’s going to suck and then it totally sucks.  I was expecting it to be bad, but this shit is the “Mark Wahlberg talking to a plastic tree” of shitty beers.  If Classic Ice was a movie, it’d be Sucker Punch only with killer plants.  I only managed to choke down one or two cans of the stuff, and the only other person I could get to even try Classic Ice threw it up all over my backyard.
Do not be fooled by the pictures Sucker Punch fucking sucked.  It probably would have been worse with killer plants.

Classic Ice smells fruity and disgusting, like rotten produce.  If you smelled it in a salad you would throw that shit away.  The flavor is artificial and weird.  It almost tastes like a good beer, but at the same time it doesn’t taste good at all.  It tastes like beer the same way Banana Laffy Taffy tastes like actual bananas, only disgusting not delicious.
 Q:  What did one Yeti say to the other?
A: Did you stick your anus in my beer or is it just Classic Ice?
-Jeff Smith age 8
There are no jokes on the side of the can.  Classic Ice tastes similar to Gameday Ice, but I didn’t have pour it down the drain so it’s at least a little bit better.  Although it tastes very different I’d put it right around Steel Reserve in terms of flavor quality on the bottomshelf beer spectrum.
Real classic ice

A weird drunk that tries to warn everyone of their impending doom is a classic horror movie staple, and since I don’t see him around… YOU’RE DOOMED! YOU’RE ALL DOOMED!  CLASSIC ICE IS EVIL…I mean…AWFUL!  CLASSIC ICE IS AWFUL!  NILBOG IS GOBLIN SPELLED BACKWARDS!  Ia-R'lyehl Cihuiha flgagnl id Ia!

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