Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Labatt Blue

 I love hockey and since it’s playoff time I thought I’d celebrate this occasion the way I celebrate everything: by drinking.  Of course I don’t need much of a reason to drink.  Honestly, I have a tough time coming up with reasons not to drink, but I thought a review of Canada’s own Labatt Blue would be a fitting tribute.  When I think of hockey I think of Canada, and when I think of Canada I think of idiots getting drunk in the woods on Labatt Blue. 

Idiots like Zap Rowsdower

Canada is an interesting country (not really.)  It’s a lot like regular America, but a foreign monarch is still legally the head of state.  I’ve been there a few times, and it’s honestly a pretty nice place despite the fact that their football field is 10 yards too long and they were gowns in court.  In genre fiction the frigid Nørthlaënds are typically the domain of half-human barbarians, but in reality Canada is just full of dudes in flannel shirts, like a less hip version of Seattle.  Canadians might be half-human, but they’re more like Cylons; they seem completely normal until it’s too late. Then they’re all like, “Hey Broomhead, how’s aboot a Tim Horton donut, ‘eh?”   In point of fact, people as normal seeming as Sarah Chalke, Todd Macfarlane, Cobie Smulders, Shenae Grimes, Dave Foley, Bronko Nagurski, Mike Myers, Leslie Nielsen, Peter Jennings, Michael Ironside, William Shatner, and Dan Akroyd hail from the Great White North.

Tricia Helfer:  Canadian/Cylon

Old time hockey

As I alluded to in the introduction, the most popular sport in Canada is ice hockey, which is understandable. Hockey combines the grace and majesty of figure skating with people beating the shit out of each other.  Even when there aren’t any fights everyone is knocking each other over all the time.  When you consider the fact that every player is holding a giant stick it’s actually kind of amazing that it only comes to fisticuffs.  If Ihave one criticism of the game, it would have to be the stupid nicknames.  They just add a “Y” sound or an “-er” to the end of your surname, so if Night Train Lane played hockey he’d be “Laner” and Christian Okoye would be “Okie” instead of the mother fucking Nigerian Nightmare.  For their sake maybe it’s a good thing black people don’t play hockey.

Don't bother him he's trying to listen to the fucking song

Labatt opened their doors in 1847, survived Canadian prohibition, and now they’re owned by Anheuser-Busch InBev.  Of more important historical significance, at least on this blog, is the fact that LaBatt launched the career of Pamela Anderson.  You’re not a “real 90’s kid” unless you pounded one out to Pamela Anderson Lee.  According to gawker and half the shit I see on facebook being a “real 90’s kid” is something very important which I had previously taken for granted; however I would conject  (and I think most psychologists would agree) that what you beat off to says way more about you and the social norms of the time and place you grew up in than whether or not you’ve seen the commercial for Crossfire.  Pamela Anderson isn’t even really my type but at the time I came of age her tits were prominently displayed on basic cable and every other magazine cover.
 

Labatt actually ended up buying 1000 copies of this unofficial poster to meet consumer demand.

Beerwise, Labatt is 5%ABV.  Fucking choice.  It’s a little better than most domestics, but be warned the whole bullshit fucking metric lamewad fucking system conversion means you only get 11.2 fl.oz. in a bottle, so you might want to stick to the 12 oz. cans.  As far as flavor goes it’s easy to see why Labatt is the number one beer in Canada.  It’s got a lot of flavor; crisp with a slight hint of beer flavored bitterness.  A welcome change from the sweet, sour, or just plain watery variety I often end up drinking.  In the interest of journalistic integrity I’ve actually taken upon myself to drink a few cases of the stuff over the last few weeks.  It’s great.  I can’t recommend it enough.

I'm not sure how to convert metric to regular, but either way I think they're big

I think I’m going to celebrate the end of this review by watching a little playoff hockey, and drinking an ice-cold Labatt blue.  While Canada might not be as good as the U.S. at fighting wars or keeping French separatists in line they do know how to make a tasty brew.  Go Blackhawks.

You can't let yourself get pushed around by a guy like this

Favorite Video Games: Tecmo Bowl (NES) 1989

No one every picks coach

As a kid I remember going to my friend’s house and getting my ass kicked in Tecmo Bowl every single time I played.  I’d be lying if I said that the game left a positive impression on me at the time.  I acquired my own copy of the game pretty late in the life of the NES, when my cousins realized that I was the only person they knew that still played Nintendo, and gave me all the games they couldn’t sell for money.  Unfortunately, for me it was around that time that time that my Nintendo stopped playing games no matter what kind of “tap the system/hold the reset button/blow it out” ritual was performed.  Fast forward to last Christmas: my wife bought me a brand new Nintendo and since then I’ve been playing Tecmo Bowl, constantly.

Tecmo Bowl (NES) 1989

Everyone agreed you had to blow the cartridges out, but if that didn't work the only thing we agreed on was that whatever the other kids did was laughably stupid.  One time a kid spit in my Nintendo.    

"The Denver _____"

At the time Tecmo Bowl was released it was pretty much common practice for sports games to have fake teams and fake rosters, due to the high cost of acquiring a license from one of the major sports leagues. Tecmo Bowl was one of the first sports video games that let you play as actual players.  A game like Mike Tyson’s Punchout might come out, but all of the characters were ridiculous racial stereotypes and not real people (Yes, I’m including Mike Tyson.)  Tecmo got around this problem by reaching an agreement with the NFLPA (the players association.)  Consequently, instead of the Chicago Bears there’s the Chicago Penguins Wearing a Crown(?)  At least we weren’t the Indianapolis Narwhals, or the Denver Androgynous Elves With a Horn(?)

Narwhals are the unicorns of the sea.  I usually say that out loud and laugh over and over again evereytime I go to The Field Museum.

HUT! HUT! HUT! HUT! HUT! HUT!...

As a kid or an adult none of that shit matters.  What matters is that the team plays in Chicago, and it features the likes of Dan “Danimal” Hampton, “Samurai” Mike Singletary, William “the Refrigerator” Perry, “Momma’s Boy” Otis Wilson, Richard Dent, Jim “the Punky QB” McMahon, and Walter “Fucking” Payton (Fucking was not Walter Payton’s nickname, but I added it because he’s my favorite fucking player of all time.)  As a diehard Bears fan it’s pretty cool not just to play as the Chicago Bears, but to play a videogame from my childhood (1983-2001) in which the Chicago Bears don’t totally suck.  By the time Tecmo Super Bowl was released two years later Walter Payton was retired along with the most of the legendary ’85 defense.

I'd like to play football with her, not for sexy reasons, but because she's a girl and I can probably kick her ass.

Strategy: drink them all when your opponent takes a leak

I don’t want to go too far down that road though.  As cool as Da Bears are Tecmo Bowl the 49ers and Giants are arguably better.  What sets Tecmo Bowl apart from say, Madden 2007 is the chess match that develops.  There are only four plays each team can run, and if you pick the same play as the offense you blitz them for a loss.  If you cover their receiver and the QB throws to him you pick him off.  Dead simple.  The game focuses more on outthinking your opponent and less on being able to hit 13 buttons in the correct sequence when you try to tackle their wide receiver.  There’s still a great deal of skill involved, but there’s a lot less random elements than modern football videogames.  Fumbles, injuries, and dropped passes might be more realistic, but they add an element of uncertainty to a perfectly called play.  Besides, who’d want to play whole 16 game season as the 49ers after Jerry Rice had a season ending injury?  In Tecmo Bowl you might be better at the game, or you might have a better team, but you won’t win on a roll of the dice. 

I'm like Bobby Fisher, but not a weirdo.

I kicked this post off mentioning that as a kid I lost every game I played.  It’s not just that I was bad at video games (I was,) but I didn’t understand the nuances and strategy involved in the game (e.g. ALWAYS cover Jerry Rice.)  Now that I do, the game gets better every time I play.  I can’t recommend this game enough. If you don’t have a wife as cool as mine, or you just can’t shell out the dough, it’s pretty easy to download a ROM of the game and a Nintendo emulator (I use Nestopia) to play the game on your laptop or whatever. 

I was gonna say "I wanna Bear Down on her," but that sounds like assault.  Maybe we could just like get some coffee  and have a respectful conversation?

The Green Bay Packers aren’t featured in Tecmo Bowl.  Not only do all true Americans (and by extension God) hate the Pack, it would seem that the Japanese do as well.  That, or maybe Tecmo only included the 12 best/most popular of the 28 teams that existed at the time, a list which did not include the hated Green Bay Packers. 

As the title would imply, Tecmobowl vs. R.B.I. is a great website for tips, and strategies for both Tecmo Bowl and R.B.I. Baseball.

Tecmobowl.org tends to focus on Tecmo Super Bowl, but the site still features some information on the original; not to mention the ROMs and emulators you’ll need to play the game on your PC.