Friday, June 21, 2013

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Labatt Blue

 I love hockey and since it’s playoff time I thought I’d celebrate this occasion the way I celebrate everything: by drinking.  Of course I don’t need much of a reason to drink.  Honestly, I have a tough time coming up with reasons not to drink, but I thought a review of Canada’s own Labatt Blue would be a fitting tribute.  When I think of hockey I think of Canada, and when I think of Canada I think of idiots getting drunk in the woods on Labatt Blue. 
Idiots like Zap Rowsdower

Canada is an interesting country (not really.)  It’s a lot like regular America, but a foreign monarch is still legally the head of state.  I’ve been there a few times, and it’s honestly a pretty nice place despite the fact that their football field is 10 yards too long and they were gowns in court.  In genre fiction the frigid Nørthlaënds are typically the domain of half-human barbarians, but in reality Canada is just full of dudes in flannel shirts, like a less hip version of Seattle.  Canadians might be half-human, but they’re more like Cylons; they seem completely normal until it’s too late. Then they’re all like, “Hey Broomhead, how’s aboot a Tim Horton donut, ‘eh?”   In point of fact, people as normal seeming as Sarah Chalke, Todd Macfarlane, Cobie Smulders, Shenae Grimes, Dave Foley, Bronko Nagurski, Mike Myers, Leslie Nielsen, Peter Jennings, Michael Ironside, William Shatner, and Dan Akroyd hail from the Great White North.
Tricia Helfer:  Canadian/Cylon
Old time hockey

As I alluded to in the introduction, the most popular sport in Canada is ice hockey, which is understandable. Hockey combines the grace and majesty of figure skating with people beating the shit out of each other.  Even when there aren’t any fights everyone is knocking each other over all the time.  When you consider the fact that every player is holding a giant stick it’s actually kind of amazing that it only comes to fisticuffs.  If Ihave one criticism of the game, it would have to be the stupid nicknames.  They just add a “Y” sound or an “-er” to the end of your surname, so if Night Train Lane played hockey he’d be “Laner” and Christian Okoye would be “Okie” instead of the mother fucking Nigerian Nightmare.  For their sake maybe it’s a good thing black people don’t play hockey.
Don't bother him he's trying to listen to the fucking song

Labatt opened their doors in 1847, survived Canadian prohibition, and now they’re owned by Anheuser-Busch InBev.  Of more important historical significance, at least on this blog, is the fact that LaBatt launched the career of Pamela Anderson.  You’re not a “real 90’s kid” unless you pounded one out to Pamela Anderson Lee.  According to gawker and half the shit I see on facebook being a “real 90’s kid” is something very important which I had previously taken for granted; however I would conject  (and I think most psychologists would agree) that what you beat off to says way more about you and the social norms of the time and place you grew up in than whether or not you’ve seen the commercial for Crossfire.  Pamela Anderson isn’t even really my type but at the time I came of age her tits were prominently displayed on basic cable and every other magazine cover.
Labatt actually ended up buying 1000 copies of this unofficial poster to meet consumer demand.
Beerwise, Labatt is 5%ABV.  Fucking choice.  It’s a little better than most domestics, but be warned the whole bullshit fucking metric lamewad fucking system conversion means you only get 11.2 fl.oz. in a bottle, so you might want to stick to the 12 oz. cans.  As far as flavor goes it’s easy to see why Labatt is the number one beer in Canada.  It’s got a lot of flavor; crisp with a slight hint of beer flavored bitterness.  A welcome change from the sweet, sour, or just plain watery variety I often end up drinking.  In the interest of journalistic integrity I’ve actually taken upon myself to drink a few cases of the stuff over the last few weeks.  It’s great.  I can’t recommend it enough.
I'm not sure how to convert metric to regular, but either way I think they're big

I think I’m going to celebrate the end of this review by watching a little playoff hockey, and drinking an ice-cold Labatt blue.  While Canada might not be as good as the U.S. at fighting wars or keeping French separatists in line they do know how to make a tasty brew.  Go Blackhawks.
You can't let yourself get pushed around by a guy like this

No comments:

Post a Comment