|Everything about this picture is great. Worthy of it's own blogpost.|
I’ve always been fascinated by the concept of time travel; Dr. Who, Back to the Future, and my desire to go back to the 1970’s and motorboat Pam Grier’s big black boobies. Scientists have speculated that time travel would require the force of an exploding sun, but I managed to accomplish said feat with a twelve pack of the 1994 classic Bud Ice. I might not have actually gone “back in time” per se, or I would have brought an iPad with me and made millions of dollars, but it doesn’t get more 1994 than Bud Ice. I was drinking history.
Other cultural milestones of 1994 included that whole John Bobbitt thing, that Tonya Harding thing, and that O.J. Simpson double homicide thing. In music it was the high-watermark year for alternative, which was as popular and culturally relevant as it was ever going to get. To drive the point home Kurt Cobain blew his fucking brains out. In hip-hop Biggie, 2Pac, Nas, and Outkast all released groundbreaking albums. At least that’s the way we tend to remember 1994. The top ten singles for the year paint a different picture:
|Hello Lisa Loeb's butt.|
2. I Swear, All-4-One
3. I'll Make Love to You, Boyz II Men
4. The Power of the Dream, Céline Dion
5. Hero, Mariah Carey
6. Stay (I Missed You), Lisa Loeb and Nine Stories
7. Breathe Again, Toni Braxton
8. All for Love, Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart and Sting
9. All That She Wants, Ace Of Base
10. Don't Turn Around, Ace Of Base
Barftastic. The only thing I remember about any of these songs is how much I hated them, the rest I don’t even remember at all. Gun to the head I would have guessed that Ace of Base had one top ten single. Even the alternative radio of the day was polluted with plenty of multiplatinum selling, utterly forgettable, suicide-inducingly-awful bands like, Candlebox, Live, Collective Soul, Counting Crows, and The fucking 4 Non-Blondes. Keep in mind that 1994 was still sort of a banner year for alternative. The Goo Goo Dolls lurked just around the corne,r and alternative rock’s musical equivalent to the Anti-Christ, Limp Bizkit, had already been born. It was all downhill from there.
In 1994 Bud Ice was also everywhere, promoted heavily by Budweiser as they attempted to seize the high ground in the Ice Beer Wars. (See Milwaukee’s Best Ice for more info on the conflict.) The multimillion dollar ad-campaign featured a singing penguin who murdered people for their Bud Ice. At least I think that’s what they were going for. Birds are scary, but a penguin can’t even fly in your mouth. I guess most birds don’t actually fly in people’s mouths, nevertheless the thought terrifies me. Anyway, even if the penguin was merely larcenous and not psychotic it was still kind of an odd choice for a marketing campaign.
I was all but positive Bud Ice had been discontinued sometime in the last 20 years when I saw it at the liquor store. Not wanting to pass up a relic from a bygone era I purchased some immediately. An internet search revealed that it was Bud Ice Light, not Bud Ice which had been discontinued in 2010. One sip and I could tell why a beer once featured in the lesbian seduction scene in Bound (1996) had fallen so far out of the mainstream that I was all but sure of its extinction. It tastes pretty much like Budweiser but boozier. That’s not a good thing. The shit’s bad. I have no idea how or why Bud Ice was ever popular.
If I had a time machine I don’t think I’d stop myself from drinking Bud Ice, but I’d sure as shit buy some ranch sauce to go with the pizza rolls I had for dinner the other night. I guess I’d probably kill Hitler to. Bud Ice is about as low on my “time travel priorities” list as it is in real life. I can only recommend Bud Ice to hardcore bottomshelf completionists and 1994 enthusiasts.
|Time travel often leads to The Nazis winning WWII, but I'd risk going back to 1994 for some P.B. Crisps.|
Speaking of 1994 did you check out Tonya Harding's website out earlier? I've seen "ate my balls" pages that were more up to date.