Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Milwaukee's Best Ice

When I started this blog I thought it would be kind of cool to do a bottomshelf beer review.  Not too long after my review of Mickey’s, I was at my local grocery store and I saw Milwaukee’s Best Ice.  I remember kind of laughing to myself and thinking, “one day I might even have to review that shit.”  Little did I know it at the time, but the bottomshelf beer reviews would become far and away the most widely read section of this blog.  And so when I went to the grocery store to get taco fixin’s I saw Milwaukee’s Best Ice staring back at me from the shelf, and knew what I had to do.

Me and this guy have EVERYTHING in common!!!
There are plenty of beers I love that I haven’t had in a long time, like Three Floyds Alpha King or even a simple 30 pack of Lacrosse Lager.  On the other hand, I haven’t had Milwaukee’s Best or “The Beast” in years, This is no accident.  I don’t remember what “The Beast” tastes like, and since I turned 21 I honest to God can’t remember drinking it, even once.  I DO remember swearing it off for the rest of my life, like a Samurai Warrior that’s made a vow to God never to kill again.  But like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Commando, I was forced out of retirement.  Arnold had to fight a pudgy Australian in a chainmail shirt. I fought “The Beast” Ice AKA “The Yeti” for you, dear reader.
Milwaukee's Best Ice AKA The Beast Ice AKA The Yeti doing what it does best.

Everyone knows that Ice Beers are disgusting, whether it’s Gameday Ice or Asshouse (Icehouse,) but what makes an Ice Beer “Ice?”  Well, to answer that you have to understand that alcohol, for all intents and purposes, doesn’t freeze.  When they brew an Ice beer, they make it a little colder than usual, so some of the water and other stuff forms ice crystals.  They filter that shit out, and since the alcohol didn’t freeze what’s left has more alcohol and less water.  So whereas normal beer is like 5% alcohol; “The Yeti” is 5.9%.  Many Bothans died to bring us this information.
"Brewing Ice Beer is a delicate process..."

Scene from the Ice Beer Wars
The first Ice Beer was Molson Ice released in 1993, shortly thereafter the so-called “Ice-Beer wars” began.  Brewers competed to make the cheapest beer that had one or two percentage points more alcohol than the competition.   Millions died, and as was the case in Norse mythology, only a few of the Ice Beers or “Frost Giants” survived Ragnarok (the 1990’s.)  “The Yeti” is one of the grizzled survivors of this ghastly conflict; it’s outlived its usefulness, a relic of a forgotten era, like the Samurai after the collapse of the Shogunate.  So it just sits there, on the shelf, costing seven bucks for two six-packs.  Fuck, how bad could it be?

It’s…actually…not that bad.  I was expecting the worst.  It doesn’t have a lot of taste, but that’s a good thing.  It tastes like someone topped off a watery beer like Keystone Light with maybe a shot of Gameday.    Not good mind you, but not as evil tasting as Asshouse or Steel Reserve.  It has some of that disgusting copper taste you get with beers of this ilk, but it doesn’t taste like someone put a handful of pennies and rotten fruit in it when you weren’t looking.  I actually drank four cans of this stuff last night, and as long as it was cold I could barely tell they cut corners to make a cheapo beer.

That is, until I woke up today.  I had a motherfucking headache, and I don’t get headaches from drinking.  Despite what the Castro brothers will tell you, I am not the Superman of drinking.  That being said, I don’t really get hangovers.  If I get completely shitfaced I’ll wake up with cottonmouth or a queasy stomach.  But I sure as shit don’t wake up with a headache after four fucking beers.  I didn’t even get drunk last night.  What kind of shit are they putting in this stuff?  Turpentine? 
The secret ingredient

I can only recommend this beer to people that plan to die before they wake up the next day, and serious Prohibition Era history buffs.  Like the bathtub brewed swill of yesteryear, this shit is a liquid headache.  I won’t be surprised if I go blind.  Carrie Nation died too soon.
Carrie Nation is awfully fug, so here's a picture of Carrie Underwood where you can kinda see her nerps.


  1. Stop being a pussy.

  2. A quality milwaukee beer which is even more fun to drink if you happen to be in milwaukee.

  3. I don't have a clue how you can like this and not Icehouse. Icehouse was the first American ice beer, so be a Patriot and not an Asshole. Next, Icehouse and MBI are both Miller products and everyone knows that all Miller products taste the same. MBI is a harsher and slightly stronger version of Icehouse, and Steel Reserve 211 is a harsher and stronger version of Ichouse. And on, and on, and on.

  4. What kind of a pussy gets a hangover from four cans of beer? Pussy.

  5. I just finished a 12-pack of cans of Beast Ice. I'm good to go. Your review of Milwaukee's Best Ice seems to indicate that you're a pussy.

  6. "So it just sits there, on the shelf, costing seven bucks for two six-packs."

    Friend, are you wanting more beer than what comes in a six-pack? Well have I got deal for you! It's called the TWELVE PACK! Take two six-packs and put them in one cardboard box! Better for the environment because it eliminates plastic rings. Better for your neighborhood because no more driving BACK to the liquor store to get another six-pack. Better for carrying because one 12-pack of cardboard is super easy compared to two 6-packs of plastic rings.

  7. Wow, Danny. What a worthless review. Milwaukee's Best Ice is now 6.9% ABV. You might as well review some Ford Model-T's if you're going to be this archaic. Get your head out of your ass and get with the program. C'mon Danny.

  8. It's horrible, it gives me a headache while I'm drinking it. Effects headache, dizzy, tired, fits of rage. Only hard alcoholic's drink this crap.