Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Camo Black Extra


What a babe, too bad we can't see her because of all the camouflage.

 The most common question I get asked when I tell people about my blog is “what’s the worst beer you’ve ever had?”  As the internet’s premier bottomshelf beer reviewer it’s my duty to provide a satisfactory answer.  Keystone Light?  Don’t make me laugh.  Icehouse?  I know girls that drink Icehouse.  Steel Reserve?  I’ve had worse.  When I discovered Camo Black Extra, weighing in at an appalling 12.2%ABV, I was filled with a mixture of satisfaction and dread.  Camo Black Extra provides a means to achieve my purpose, but at what cost?  Well, most likely at the cost of me drinking it.  Ughh.  Maybe it’s a diamond in the rough?
My quest to find the world's shittiest beer: definitely, one of the pitfalls of this blog.

Forget what I said about Lime-A-Rita having the stupidest name, Camo Black Extra takes the cake.  I have no idea what it means or what they are even trying to invoke.  I guess it sounds kind of like one of those condoms they sell in bathroom vending machines, the kind with vibrating beads or flavor crystals.  All of the exxxxxtra X’s on the can don’t exactly dissuade this notion either.  It's a really obtuse name.  In fact, if you offered me a Camo Black Extra I would assume you were trying to pull some sort of PEN15/”hurts donut” schoolyard prank, and I’d tap you in the beanbag before you could flick drops of pee in my eye or sketch a throbbing dong on my forehead.  I certainly wouldn’t think you were talking about a beer.
"Camo Black Exxxtra, Sensual Pharaoh, or the the torn label with a picture of a gorilla on it?" 

Quality Stuff
The can promises that Camo Black Extra is 12.2%ABV, making the 24oz can roughly equivalent to an entire 6 pack of Keystone Light.  Since I hate going to the bathroom every ten fucking seconds this would seem to solve a lot of my beer related problems; however I’ve learned through experience to be wary of beers that advertise their alcohol content as a major selling point.  Most 8% beers are vomit inducingly gross, and 12.2% is starting to movie beyond “high gravity” into the low end of the cheap booze/fortified wine range.  If you think Camo Black Extra is starting to sound like something you’d expect to see pouring down the rotten mouth of a skid row wino you’re going to feel pretty fucking stupid in a couple of seconds, because Camo Black Extra is an “Ultra Premium high gravity lager beer” made from “imported hops & extra malted barley for an extra smooth taste.”  One can’t help but wonder how they manage to use “the highest quality extra malted barley” and charge less than $2 a can.  Selling at a loss to break into the market?  Or perhaps it was just “Customer Appreciation Day” at that dodgy liquor store in the bad part of town?  Who can say?

It has no smell, which-

I was going to finish that sentence, “I take as a good sign,” but then I took a sip.  My initial reaction was similar to the time I accidentally drank curdled milk.  My body shuddered angrily, like my digestive system was not only self-aware, but also actively hated me.  It got a little better after the first few sips, in the sense that it stopped triggering my gag reflex.  That doesn’t mean it tasted any better.  Before tasting Camo Black Extra I had actually made a gentleman’s bet with myself to finish the whole can no matter how bad it tasted.  I lost, which is to say I won.  It was like the end of War Games, the only way to win was not to play; however unlike the end of Wargames I lost the bet and had to give myself a blowjob.     
They also could've played bloody knuckles, as anyone that's ever gotten drunk in a redneck bar has learned to their displeasure.

Camo Black Extra is without the slightest doubt in my mind the worst beer I’ve ever drank.  It’s really sugary but at the same time super sour kind of like an Atomic Warhead candy.  It’s got hints of rotten apple flavor, with acrid chemical notes, and boy howdy can you taste the alcohol.  I’ve never needed a chaser for a beer before.  Hell, I drink whiskey right out of the bottle.  It tastes exactly like someone poured Thunderbird and Skol into Gameday Ice.  Shit’s gross.   If the taste is gross the aftertaste is somehow much worse.  The aftertaste is akin to getting sprayed in the mouth with Windex, putting a handful of pennies under your tongue, or watching The Doom Generation: the initial experience is only matched be the terribleness of how you feel afterwards.
You see Rose McGowan's tits in the Doom Generation, but that momentary pleasure is ruined when a dude eats his own fucking cum three seconds later.  Oh, and then the rest of the movie happens...Ick.

Camo Black Extra may not be rock bottom, but if the base of the bottomshelf beer rabbit hole is much deeper than this I’m not sure I want to find it.  The important thing for you, the reader, to take from all of this is that Camo Black Extra is really fucking bad.  I’ve heard what panhandlers make, and honestly there’s no reason to drink this stuff unless you’re me and you need to find absolute zero on the bottomshelf beer scale.  Of course if you’re me, then I’m you and I’m at your house having sex with your wife!
Your wife (I hope!!!)

2 comments:

  1. LOL, the only "beer" you need a chaser for. It's only 99c/can here, and well, if you like to get blackout drunk on a "budget" (and wake up in a ravine having shit yourself - the most pleasant among many things), this drink's for you...

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  2. I don't know what you're going on about. I drink Camo Black Extra frequently...it's not bad at all, just a bit stronger than most brews.

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