Sunday, December 4, 2011

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Crazy Stallion Malt Liquor

When you hear the term “Crazy Stallion” you really can’t help but think about one of rock ’n’ roll’s all time most influential bands.  I’m speaking of course of The Wyld Stallyns.  I have it on good authority that The Wyld Stallions’ music will one day inspire a Utopian society.  If that never happens at the very least The Wyld Stallyns inspired my younger brother and I to play air guitar and yell “Wyld Stallyns!” a lot.  Hopefully Crazy Stallion Malt Liquor will inspire a similar reaction.

Paleface didn't give him a comic book
Crazy Stallion (Stallyn) Malt Liquor entered the market in March of 1992 as Crazy Horse Malt Liquor, deriving its name from Chief Crazy Horse (the guy that surrounded and destroyed George Armstrong Custard and his men in the Battle of Little Bighorn.)  This turned out to be a bad move on the part of the G. Heileman brewing company, because around that same time Americans began to notice the horrible conditions and deep social problems in the Native American community.  Rather than focusing on problems that were hard to fix (75%-80% unemployment; rampant alcoholism; poor education) we did the next best thing and took to the streets to protest Indian Mascots and certain episodes of Looney Tunes.  Thus the Political Correctness movement was born, and by the decade’s end racism was over and all social problems had magically disappeared.
Ebony and ivory live together in perfect harmony...

In all fairness though, the people that sued G. Heileman were actual Sioux Indians, not cracker-ass college know-it-alls, and they legitimately objected to once again getting fucked in the ass by whitey.  Nine years later the Sioux Nation settled with Stroh’s (whom had previously bought G. Heileman) for (I am not making this up) 32 blankets, 32 twists of tobacco, 32 braids of sweet grass, seven thoroughbred horses, and an apology.  Talk about some Wild West shit.  It seems that everything I learned about “Injuns” from Three Stooges shorts and Encylopedia’s from the 1920’s was completely true.  I assume they became blood brothers to seal the deal.
"Those little red devils...They love toys."

Around the time Stroh’s smoked the peace pipe with the Indians I believe they sold Crazy Horse to someone else.  The whole situation is kind of confusing, and it’s not like they have an official website or anything to explain any of this shit.  All I do know is that Crazy Horse (Stallion/Stallyn) is currently brewed by the same people that make LaCrosse Lager, and at some point (or possibly even right now) the people that made Crazy Horse also made Arizona Ice Tea giving the cans and bottles a similar look.  It’s also apparent that at some point since 2001 the brewers of Crazy Horse Malt Liquor changed its name to Crazy Stallion to bury the hatchet (yuk yuk!) with the Sioux Nation.
I thought of a joke about burying a pork hatchet, but it kept coming out really crass

After drinking a tallboy of Crazy Stallion I don’t see what the Indians were so upset about.  The stuff’s pretty good.  It’s not Cristal or anything, but I think it was well worth the buck and change I paid for it.  It’s still malt liquor, but it’s one of the smoothest malt liquors I ever poured down my gullet.  It tastes a little cheap but it doesn’t have any of the dreaded poo aftertaste you usually get with beers this cheap.  It actually has a sweet flavor, kind of caramel apple-y.  It’d be the perfect malt liquor to give out on Halloween.   In my experience kids love malt liquor.
This Native American is going as a topless woman for Halloween.

In my opinion the name change was a solid move.  Crazy Horse makes me think of Neil Young’s backing band and let’s face it: Neil Young kind of sucks.  He’s like a lame, Canadian (redundant I know) version of Bob Dylan.  In other words it’s a terrible name for a great malt liquor.  Crazy Stallion just makes me think of the The Wyld Stallyns, a superior band in every way.  I guess that’s a pretty good way to end things, until next time be excellent to each other and party on, dudes!

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