Sunday, November 13, 2011

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Genesee Cream Ale

Blake Lively enjoys an ice-cream cone

I’m finally done with my month of horror movie reviews.  It was fun and all, but writing 50 movie reviews in a month is a lot of work and left precious little time to review bottomshelf beers.  Fear not, I didn’t go sober like a bitch. I still managed to drink a ton of beer throughout the month of October, including Genesee Cream Ale.  It’s taken a long time to write this review; in addition to a full workload in October I’ve been racking my brain trying  to come up with an angle for my review that didn’t involve semen.  I mean it’s Genesee Cream Ale, the most obvious joke is cum, right?  But I think it’s a little crass, and what kind of pictures am I going to use? 
An actual screen shot from "Beat 'em and Eat 'em" an actual game for the Atari 2600

I discovered Genesee Cream Ale in the liquor store attached to a Woodman’s grocery store.  Woodman’s is a chain out of Wisconsin that’s slowly creeping its way south into the Chicagoland area.  Their liquor store is pretty bitchin’.  Most liquor stores with an “extensive” selection just have your typical macrobrews (e.g. Coor’s Light) and a bunch of craft beers (e.g. Double Chocolate Stout with Sprinkles.)  Woodman’s has all that stuff, but for some reason they also have a wide selection of bottomshelf beers you typically can’t buy around here like Lonestar Beer out of Texas or Genesee Cream Ale out of Rochester New York.
If you google Woodman's you get a bunch of weird fucking pictures like this one

I’ve never been to Rochester, but according to Places Rated Almanac it’s America’s “sixth most livable
More unintentional semen jokes
city.”  I guess it’s not number one, but it’s a far cry from the “473rd most livable city” Haddonfield IL, where Michael Myers shows up once a year and murders a bunch of teenagers* (still better than Gary IN at 474.) It’s unclear whether Genesee Cream Ale helped Rochester achieve its lofty status in the eyes of the PRA, in fact I’d never heard of the stuff until I saw it going for $10 a 30 pack at Woodman’s.  I did a little research though, and apparently the stuff is about 50 years old.  They have a professional looking website, which is a far cry from the timecube-esque bullshit websites you tend to see with beers this cheap.  The website included a little history of Genesee Cream Ale, recipes you can make with the beer, and a rather impressive list of awards the beer has won over the years.  There’s also a confusing domain-squat website at which boasts ads for “premature ejaculation” and “erectile dysfunction.”  The semen jokes just kind of write themselves.   

*If there’s a parliament of rooks and a murder of crows, what’s the proper term for a group of murdered teenagers?  A "scream" of murdered teens? A "camp staff" of murdered teens? A "crawlspace"?
"Look over there real quick while I murder you."

According to the company’s official website Genesee Cream Ale gets its name from the foamy creamy head that develops when you pour the beer into a glass.  I just drank the stuff straight out of the can so I’ll just have to take their word for it.  It smells like beer and tastes pretty good.  It has a lot of flavor, especially for a bottomshelf beer.  It tastes kind of like Lacrosse Lager mixed with malt liquor.  I’ve never drank anything quite like it.  Unfortunately the aftertaste is a little sour for my sensibilities.  I honestly had a tough time making my mind up as I worked my way through the 30 pack.  On the one hand it tastes pretty good and really different, but on the other hand I wasn’t crazy about it.  I guess I’d say definitely worth checking out. If you’re looking for a different bottomshelf beer you might really like it.
Not quite the cream of the crop, but...NERDS!

Another note on the taste:  As far as I know Genesee Cream Ale tastes nothing like splooge or love-nog or whatever you want to call cum, but at the same time I don’t really have a frame of reference for human semen.  Not that I’m implying I know what non human semen tastes like, just that of the flavors of semen I haven’t tried (all of them) human is definitely one of them   I mean, for all I know jizz tates great.  The chicks in those movies seem to love the stuff.  And there it is.  Despite my best efforts jizz was the only major joke I “came” up with for this beer review (get it?)  Whatever.  It’s good to be drinking again, and writing about it.  Check back in about a week for more bottomshelf beer reviews.
Jenna Haze loves cream if you know what I'm saying

1 comment:

  1. that review sucked. you are the lamest motherfucker ever. sour?...stick to reviewing kool-aid