|Prepare to fucking die!|
When I grew up, the biggest movie star in the world was Arnold Schwarzenegger. How big? So big spellcheck knows how to spell his last name, which is good because I sure as shit don’t. Recently, Arnie has been in the news for having sex with a really really weird looking woman. Gross, I know, but it’s times like this I think it’s important to remember why we liked Schwarzenegger so much in the first place. To that end I’ve put together a list of the top ten Schwarzenegger movies of all time, which puts them high in the running for the top ten movies of all time.
|Alyssa Milano plays his daughter|
Compared to the other movies on this list Commando isn’t that good, but it deserves a place on the list if only because it’s such a prototypical 80’s action movie. It’s the kind of movie where they have a shootout in a mall just because it increases potential for violence exponentially. One of my favorite parts is right in the beginning when you see Arnold carrying a tree. Seriously, a fucking tree. Right away you can tell he’s stronger than any human ever. In general the plot is just okay, but my biggest gripe with this movie is the arch villain: a chubby Australian in a chainmail shirt. I mean, what the fuck? Are we supposed to believe he’d be any match for a man we earlier saw carrying a tree? And why is he wearing a chainmail shirt? Was he worried about crossbows or did his mom just drive him home from the Ren-faire? The world may never know.
|"I'm here for the gay po- I mean action movie."|
This was the last good Schwarzenegger movie, and as such it deserves a special place on the list. After this one Arnie started crapping out turd salads like Collateral Damage and Teminator 3. This one has Vanessa “not the porn star” Williams as a black chick that needs to be Erased after she finds out something about guns that see through walls. I rented this when it came out, and probably watched it 6 times within the span of my rental. In retrospect, I guess I wasn’t as popular in Junior High as I remember. Eraser was made in what I call the CGI dead zone: after studios abandoned conventional effects but before CGI stopped looking like absolute shit. Most of the effects in Eraser hold up pretty well, but the scene with the crocodiles is laughably stupid looking and comes off about as real as the alligator dance scene in Fantasia. Still, sweet movie and James Caan is the bad guy.
|"You call that a Crocodile? This is a crocodile."|
8. Conan the Destroyer
|"Holy Diver you've been down too long in the midnight sea..."|
Ronnie James Dio did not do the soundtrack to this movie, which is unfortunate. Every scene from this movie looks like it should be painted on the side of a conversion van. Unfortunately this movie is also rated PG. Conan is all about decapitating people and having sex with women (not necessarily in that order,) and the absence of those two things is a little sad. Another major problem with the movie is Conan’s sidekick Malak. Like all comic relief in a movie aimed at 12 year-olds, he’s fucking stupid and annoying and no one thinks he’s funny. He Scrappy-Doos the shit out of this movie. All that being said, this movie is still heavy metal as shit, boner-ific and fun that the whole family can enjoy.
|I looked up the female lead for Conan, and a picture of Olivia Munn kissing another girl came up. I don't think the blond is the same chick from the movie, but I no longer give a flying fuck.|
7. The Running Man
|Clap if you love Dynamo|
Probably the most underrated Schwarzenegger movie on this list. It’s tempting to put this movie higher on the list to compensate for that fact, but I happen to take my lists very seriously. Anyway, I hate it when people like the AFI try to educate you and declare “Some Like it Hot” the funniest movie of all time on a list that doesn’t even mention Porky’s. In The Running Man, Arnold is accused of a crime he didn’t commit, and is forced to fight for his life on a game show. If that doesn’t get your juices flowing (if you know what I mean, ladies) you should know that the game show consists of Richard Dawson and boss fights. Arnold is helped by a nerd, a black guy, and a hot chick as he kills a bunch of dudes as gruesomely as possible. It’s even better than it sounds, and thinking about it now I’m tempted to jump it higher on the list. There’s only one thing holding me back…
|"They took the whole Cherokee Nation..."|
I would be remiss if I didn’t give Predator at least the 6 spot. As it stands, I know I’m going to chap a few saddles putting it this far down the list, but it’s my list an if you don’t like it you can make your own list…I guess. In this movie Arnold teams up with a bunch of stereotypes which includes Jesse Ventura, an Injun, Carl Weathers, and the funniest man in the world who tells the funniest jokes in the history of comedy. They travel to some godforsaken shit-hole in South America to fight an invisible alien that skins people alive. The plot is simple, direct, and full of steroids. You can practically feel you tits getting bigger when you watch this movie. Your penis would also shrink from the steroids but I guarantee you will have a boner throughout your entire viewing experience. Everything about this movie is awesome. I have never met anyone that didn’t like this movie, but if I ever did I would kill them without even thinking about it, because fuck those people.
Part II coming soon… If you have questions or comments about the list so far leave a comment or hit me up on facebook.