Bud Light Lime-A-Rita, is quite possibly the
stupidest named “beer” I’ve reviewed so far and that’s saying a lot.Most reviews of Bud Light Lime-A-Rita I’ve
sifted through so far treat it like an actual beer.They talk of “head retention,” “nose,” and
other things serious beer reviewers talk about when referring to things like
foam and smell.The earlier quotation
marks around the word beer were no accident; if there’s any beer in this stuff
I can’t taste it.This makes me sad. I certainly wouldn’t have bought the stuff if
it didn’t say “Bud Light” on the damned box, but I think it’s a waste of my
time and yours to pretend Bud Light Lime-A-Rita is anything other than what it
is, so what is it?
I spent many a "Couples Skate" hiding in the bathroom
It is first and foremost sugary.At the Oak Lawn Roller Rink they used to sell
a drink called a “Smurf” which was uncut Sno-Cone syrup served on the
rocks.I personally never had the money
for a Lime flavored Smurf, but I can now hazard a guess what it tasted like.This stuff is too sweet, and that’s coming
from someone that used to literally eat Pixie Stix and Mountain Dew for
lunch.(In case you’re wondering I stopped
eating Pixie Stix by the bag when I was 19 years old and my dentist told me I
had the mouth of a middle aged man.)If
on the other hand you find circus peanuts and candy corn tart Bud Light Lime-A-Rita
might be right up your alley, and my hat goes off to you.I used to think people that drank malt
beverages like Mike’s Hard, Smirnoff Ice, and BLLaR were pussies that couldn’t
handle beer, but if they can deal with the heartburn and diabetes brought on by
their drink(s) of choice they’re a lot tougher than me.
Tougher than Sarah Connor
"TRY IT VITH ICE!"
The can suggests, nay commands, that I try Bud
Light Lime-A-Rita over ice, and just to let you know that they’re fucking
serious they wrote it in all caps and added an exclamation point.Keep your shirt on, asshole.The ice certainly helps but it’s still feels
like gingivitis in a can.This stuff is
8% ABV, but I made a command decision and added 2oz of tequila to the 8oz
can.It’s pretty good now, still a
little sweet, but now it tastes more like a real margarita and less like I’m
snorting pure cane sugar through a Twizzler.It probably tastes closer to a can of Mountain Dew mixed with tequila
than a real margarita, but it’s a step in the right direction.(Must try mixing Mountain Dew with tequila.)
Now I know why they chose a drunken hillbilly as their mascot
The can refers to BLLaR as a “margarita with a
twist.”A twist of what exactly?Less alcohol?8%ABV is pretty high when it comes to beer, but not mixed drinks, at
least the way I drink them.Of course,
my testicles have descended.The can
also says “Bud Light," which is even more curious than their demand that I “TRY IT WITH ICE!”The can says “Bud” even though it contains
seemingly no beer, and says “Light” despite the fact that an 8oz can contains
220 calories.Bud Light only has 110
calories in a 12oz can, which means that the ‘Rita is double the calories of a
regular Bud Light in a can that’s a third smaller.I’m not great with math, but I think that means
drinking even a moderate amount of Bud Light Lime-A-Rita will make you fucking
fat.I would say that the “BL” in BLLaR
is disingenuous to say the least.
"Too much Bud Light Lime-A-Rita."
Years ago, I saw Crispin Glover’s Willard remake in
the theater.At the end of the film a
patron in front of me complained that it was the “worst movie ever.”To which I countered that he “must have seen
a different movie than me.I saw the one
about a guy with an army of rats.”That’s
what the preview said the movie was about and on that promise the film
certainly delivered.Bud Light
Lime-A-Rita is a beer-less, lime flavored, sugar rush in a can, which I should
have seen coming when I bought the stuff.My bad.The only things I can
really take them to task for are the high price (12.99 for 12 8oz cans WTF?) and the astronomically
high calorie content in their “light” drink.Oh well, time to buy a singlet and start lifting weights to burn off those extra Cal-o-ritas.
Sumthin' for the ladies. In case you're wondering I'm the black guy in the middle.
And sumthin' for the guys...
Laura Elena Harring was in Willard. Hubbah Hubbah!
Can you count suckers? I say the future is ours if you can count, and if you can count you might have noticed that the only movies I reference more than The Warriors on this blog are Star Wars and Conan the Barbarian.I’m not alone either; The Warriors is probably the second most sampled movie in hip-hop after Scarface, and every black dude I know has seen the movie. This is probably due to the fact that The Warriors is fucking awesome.It’s one of those movies that all cool people seem to like.Rockstar games also saw fit to pay homage to the classic film with the 2005 video game aptly titled The Warriors.Can you dig it?CAN YOU DIG IT?!CAN YOU DIG IT?!?Well, I certainly hope so cause that’s what the rest of this blog post is about.
FUN FACT: All black people are cool.
What about Steve Urkel?
Fuck Steve Urkel.
The Warriors (PS2) 2005
The Warriors videogame obviously takes a lot of its cues from the film, but the gameplay is rooted in the side scolling beat ‘em ups of yesteryear; games like Final Fight, Streets of Rage, and Streets of Rage 2.The game’s plot takes place before the events of the film, with the movie acting as a sort of an extended final level broken into different chapters.The whole thing still feels very unified and captures the look and tone of the film perfectly.The game is dark and violent, but like the film it never feels brutal or nihilistic.Both take a more comic book-y approach.People get stabbed, shot, and Molotov cockatailed, but hardly anyone actually dies.I do remember however that when I was playing the game my mother took issue with the game’s liberal use of f-bombs (people saying FUCK), but she watched Deadwood all the time.Oh, “that’s how cowboys really talked.”Well that’s how gang members would really talk in a videogame version of a dystopian future as imagined in the late 1970’s.Geez mom.
A girl portraying the character Poison from Final Fight.
FUN FACT: The character Poison was retconned into a tranny after it was pointed out that Final Fight's protagonists were beating the shit out of women.
FUN FACT: This cosplayer is all woman, and boob.
It’s also one of the best two-player co-op games in the last decade.Other than Portal 2 it seems that videogame developers have completely forgotten the importance of playing a videogame with your little brother.You can kick his ass in Call of Duty or whatever but eventually he’s going to get tired of getting the shit kicked out of him and refuse to play with you, forcing you take turns.Ughh!It’s not my fault you suck at Doom 2.What puts The Warriors co-op mode above even Portal 2 is the ability of the second player to join and leave the game at their convenience (kind of like in Sonic 2.)This Feature is great if you’re anything like me and you have to go to the bathroom all the time.Maybe I should see a doctor.
"Quit being such a bitch. Where are you going?... Don't tell mom I said bitch."
I mentioned playing videogames with my younger brother because this game was an important bonding experience for us.In between viewings of the movie we each beat the game a few times co-opting large segments of the other’s play-through.I helped my brother 100% the game, and then a couple of years later we started playing the game again and on the hard difficulty we 99%ed the game on a single play-through, meaning we didn’t replay the levels over and over to hit the various goals.We just played the level until we got them all without consulting a walkthrough.It’s less nerdy than it sounds.We just had a lot more free time back then.
The Chief from Carmen Sandiego was the radio announcer in The Warrriors film. Finding Carmen Sandiego may not help you reach 100% but it couldn't hurt.
I’ve played The Warriors about as thoroughly as it’s possible to play a game, and I can say without a doubt that it’s one of the best video games of all time.If you like fun check out The Warriors, if you don’t maybe consider Russian Roulette.Unfortunately PS2 games will not play on newer versions of the PS3, and the game has not been ported anywhere else that I’m aware of so it might be kind of hard.Playing a video game from a few years ago might be hard but fortunately in America acquiring a gun is never hard, so there’s always Russian Roulette.Those guys in Deer Hunter looked like they were having fun, right?
Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!
Congratulations! You've captured Carmen Sandiego. If you didn't manage to beat the game in 1986 you should know that she just fucking escapes from jail again right after you catch her and the game starts over. Good thing you learned your state capitols.
"I'll shove that bat up your ass and turn you into a Popsicle."
I love drinking beer and watching baseball, and if you don’t I’m going to go ahead and call you un-American. People that don’t like baseball are the same weirdos who say “you only need to watch the last five minutes of a basketball game” and “soccer players are tougher than football players because they don’t wear pads.” I hate those people. If I was President we’d burn those bastards like witches. As a baseball loving patriot and cheap beer enthusiast I was happy to discover that one of my favorite players from my youth, Frank “the Big Hurt” Thomas, had created his own Big Hurt beer.
Frank Thomas frozen in carbonite
Regular readers of this blog and people that know me in real life are well aware of my fealty to the Chicago White Sox. Some of my happiest memories and drunkest experiences center around my favorite team. I’ll never forget the riot at Illinois State University when the White Sox won the 2005 World Championship. If you look close enough to the video on youtube you can spot a jean jacketed Danny O’D running through the crowd screaming like a moron. As impressive as the riot was, the youtube recommended videos revealed that the ISU student body riots kind of regularly. The most recent riot being a celebration of the death of Osama bin Laden. An event I find absolutely shameful. How can you celebrate the death of another human being? Just kidding. Killing terrorists is awesome.
Yippie ki-yay motherfucker.
Big Hurt Pinball
World Series victories are also awesome, but I think teams are defined by their fanbase and their players. Philadelphia fans routinely assault the fans of visiting teams and fucking throw batteries at people; not coincidentally their Quarterback Ron Mexico (AKA Michael Vick) knowingly gave a woman herpes. For a decade and a half the White Sox were defined by Frank Thomas. He retired with a .301 average, 521 homeruns, 2 AL MVPs, 2,468 hits, 4 Silver Slugger Awards, 1,704 RBIs, a pinball machine, a SNES video game, and a guest spot in NBA Jam. That might not make much sense to you if you don’t follow baseball (or know what a pinball machine is) but he was really good. Even if you understand baseball statistics, the stat line doesn’t tell the whole story. It can’t. A player like Frank Thomas, Walter Payton, or Michael Jordan has to be seen to be believed. I'm just glad I was fortunate enough to be a kid in the southwest suburbs during Big Frank’s best years.
Unfortunately, it’s hard to find a goddamned clip of the Big Hurt popping dingers without the express written consent of Major League Baseball, and I refuse on general principle to link one of those seizure inducing cellphone videos of a television broadcast. Here’s the intro to the SNES classic Big Hurt Baseball.
It’s a curious move to say the least that a player as legendary as Frank Thomas would create a bottomshelf beer. I don’t know what I’d do if I was a famous millionaire, I guess I’d still drink beer and watch Conan the Barbarian, but I’d wear a tuxedo(?). In any case, I don’t know if I’d be trying to break into the well saturated bottomshelf beer market. Typically when a rich famous person decides they want to take a break from eating caviar and screwing girls with perfect skin they devote their beer endorsing talents to one of the major brewers or their own line of craft beer, which makes sense: instead of competing with Miller Lite carve out your own niche market or just let the bastards pay you. With that in mind, it’s seems like Frank Thomas said, “fuck all that, this shit is 7% alcohol. Let’s get drunk.”
Jenny McCarthy is kind of a dummy, but she's also a Sox fan and without her this article would have a lot less babes than usual
At this point most beer reviewers would write about Sox fans’ “blue collar” or “working class” background. Personally I think the fictitious class divide between the North and Southside teams is kind of played out, so I’ll talk just talk a little bit about Big Hurt Beer. It has kind of a mechanical fruity smell, kind of like what I imagine an actual clockwork orange would smell like. But does the taste hurt? (Sorry folks, the pun was absolutely unavoidable. I’m as ashamed as you are.) You can taste all of the 7% alcohol, at least on the first sip. By the second sip I thought it was alright. It tasted kind of fruity at first, but that sensation also faded as I journeyed to the bottom of the can. The aftertaste was really strong, similar the feeling you get after you drink coffee, eat black licorice, or smoke a cigar. That’s not to say it’s bad, quite the contrary in fact, and if you like strong flavors you might want to give Big Hurt Beer a try. At 7% you might want to try it anyway. It might not be as palatable as some beers, but at least it gets you drunk quicker.
That might not be the ringingest endorsement that I’ve ever given, but I left out the best part: Big Hurt Beer is on tap at Comiskey Park (U.S. Cellular Field). If you’re anything like me you sometimes have a tough time getting drunk by the 7th inning, and as one of the loudest fans in the ballpark the extra point and a half of alcohol BHB provides could be the difference between kind of letting the visiting center fielder know what you think about him and REALLY letting him know what you think of him, his haircut and his sister. That’s what the pros call a game changer. Big Hurt Beer is Danny tested and Frank Thomas approved.
It’s unfortunate that most of the things people “like” about the 80’s are either ironic (sigh) or tinted by the rose colored glasses of youth. My Little Pony, Saved by the Bell, Def Leppard, and Top Gun all sucked then and suck even worse now. That list doesn’t even include things too lame to enjoy ironically like apartheid in South Africa or Anthony Michael Hall as a regular cast member on SNL. All that being said, I enjoyed being a kid in the 1980’s. I didn’t have a whole lot of responsibilities, hell I didn’t even have to wipe my own ass for a few years there. And all the stupid bullshit of the era is more than balanced out by awesome things like Naked Raygun, Robocop 2, Iron Maiden, the fall of the Berlin Wall, the ’85 Bears and Centipede.
I don’t mean to sound like I’m knocking nostalgia either. No matter how shitty things may have been in the past, they’re still comforting because your memories are part of you and your experiences make you who you are. If it was up to me I would have been nailing cheerleaders and doing sick karate moves when I was 14 instead of playing SEGA, and bitching about how much I hated everyone in my Junior High. In retrospect I wouldn’t trade those memories for anything, except maybe the ability to get all the pee out of my dick before I put it back in my pants. How do people wear khakis? Anyway, since we’re on the subject of nostalgia…
Vice City (PS2) 2002
I think nostalgia is a big part of Vice City’s appeal to most people. Other than Weekend at Bernie’s, it’s hard to imagine a piece of media that evokes the feel of the 1980’s more than Vice City. For the most part the game presents itself as a larger than life caricature of the era rather than a Wedding Singer style 80’s wankfest, or a Weeknd at Bernie’s style 80’s piece of shit. The game is like a larger than life version of Scarface (1983) crossed with Miami Vice (1984.) In fact, the credits sequence for Miami Vice could almost be a credits sequence for Vice City except for the Jai Alai player. For a show that tried to be hip and of the time, that guys seemed kind of out of place. Almost 30 years later Jai Alai remains as popular as ever, which is to say not at all. Also why do minorities like Scarface so much?
I know you're a gangster, but do you really need a Tony Montana toilet?
Vice City’s soundtrack is also great, and it evokes the mood of the era better than any photograph or Ken Burns documentary ever could. While most 80’s musical retrospectives focus on one genre; bad music from the 80’s (e.g. Cyndi Lauper, Poison, Duran Duran, Thomas Dolby, The fucking Go-Go’s.) The Vice City soundtrack has some crappy songs, but paints with a broader brush and uses old school hip-hop, new wave, heavy metal, and everything in between to paint a picture of the decade. Many of the songs featured are little lesser known, probably in an effort to save money, but I think it serves the game well. While artists like Madonna and Prince certainly defined music in the 80’s their careers continue on to this day and much of their respective catalogs are considered classic. On the other hand, The Vice City soundtrack features Gold by Spandau Ballet. Gold makes Frankie Goes to Hollywood look like Judas Priest. That is to say the song is so wimpy and lame it could not possibly be a hit in any decade but the 1980’s.
Aside from the soundtrack, Vice City is my favorite entry in the GTA series because it improves on GTA3, without getting serious and “realistic” (tedious) like its sequels San Andreas and GTA4. I’m not a total loser, so I don’t get a lot out of getting virtual drunk and playing darts with my imaginary girlfriend. I don’t look to GTA to give me some sort of Maxim interview* style girlfriend fantasy. I look to GTA to provide a consequence free environment to sell cocaine, wreck sports cars, murder hookers, and all the other things I’ll never do in real life. On that level Vice City never disappoints. I played the shit out of this game in college and I can’t think about it without getting all nostalgic for the brief time when I had nothing to do but drink beer and play video games to the wee hours of the night.
All the fun of maybe getting laid, except for the part where you get to ya' know...cum
Looking at the date I just realized this game came out 10 years ago. I’m getting old. I wonder if the 1980’s will seem as weird and distant to my kids as the 50’s seem to me. I don’t know. I just hope they port Vice City to a modern platform so they might be able to get at least a little taste of, if not the 80’s at least the early 2000’s. It would be a shame if they have to learn about hooker murder from a stranger.
"Hurry up and grab the $60 before it disappears. You didn't kill those women for nothing. Son"
*I hate how Maxim asks Jennifer Love Hewitt or whoever “What do you look for in a guy?” or “What’s your idea of a perfect date?” No one reading that interview is ever going to fuck Jennifer Love Hewitt so who gives a fuck? “OMG! She says she loves a guy with a good sense of humor! I’m buying a ticket to Hollywood!” Ideally you could ask her about sexual positions or any bisexual experiences she may have had, but at least ask something relevant. She’s not a Rhodes Scholar but you could ask her about some funny anecdotes from the set of I Know What You Did Last Summer, or some other movie she was in. Does she still work?
JLH from April 2012's Maxim. As far as I can remember she hasn't been in a movie for at least ten years
When I was born my father looked at my mother and said, “one day he’ll grow up to run the internet’s premier cheap beer review blog.” Since it’s Father’s Day, I thought I’d honor my father by dedicating my review of Natty Daddy beer to him. I bought Natty Daddy a few months ago in anticipation of Father’s Day because of the name. This shit is 8% alcohol. This is going to be painful. I really love my dad.
"The Orphans ain't got no dad! Also don't I kinda look like David Schwimmer?"
My dad’s not a huge drinker, but he did teach me a few very important lessons about drinking. First of all, you don’t need to drink to have a good time. There are plenty of other things that are even more fun, like crushing your enemy, see them driven before you and hearing the lamentations of the women; that and sex. Also he told me that people with a real drinking problem have to stop drinking, a thought I find unbearable. How would I get to sleep?
I guess I could just watch Pink Floyd's "The Wall." *YAWN* ZZZZZzzzzzz....
Just a few more Mike's Hards and this party is going to get buck wild.
Natty Daddy is an odd name for a beer. Other than a Father’s day inspired bottomshelf blog post I don’t think anyone would purchase it because of the name. Natty Daddy smells like beer but it certainly tastes like it’s 8% alcohol. Your younger sister’s friends would send back the Ten-High and Coke you mixed them if it tasted this strong. There is definitely a harsh chemical/cheap alcoholness to the aftertaste, but otherwise it tastes like beer. It’s not good but at least it gets you drunk quicker. I could see slamming a tallboy of Natty Daddy after I was already six or seven beer into the night to push myself into the “fun zone.” The “fun zone” is when I fall asleep watching Conan the Barbarian and wake up when I spill beer on myself. Fun stuff.
Unlike Conan most of my adventures involve waking up to the DVD menu.
Actually, now that I’m halfway through this can the chemical taste is less pronounced. This shit is fucking awesome. I’m going to dub Natty Daddy the thinking man’s high gravity beer, because I’ve always wanted to use that phrase and I can’t think of a better use than in regards to a beer designed to get you shit-housed as quickly as possible. Also, notice that I said “beer.” Natty Daddy doesn’t seem to be marketing itself as a “Malt Liquor.” I guess they want more white people to drink it. The double boomerangs under the 8% on the side of the can are another dead giveaway. White people love Crocodile Dundee. I don’t remember if my dad does, but I’m pretty sure he’s seen the film and he’s certainly white, as is 92% of Australia. FUN FACT: My dad is not Australian.
However the Lord Humungous IS Australian. FUN FACT: Humungous rules the Wasteland!
Like my father Anheuser-Busch is not Australian, they’re German Americans. While no one has ever accused der Germans of lacking conviction, it’s nice to see that Anheuser-Busch claimed Natty Daddy as their own. Typically alcohol makers try to distance themselves from the shit they make to get you drunk as quickly and cheaply as possible, for example the “Steel Brewing Company” that makes disgusting Steel Reserve is actually MillerCoors in disguise. Personally, I think that kind of crap is pompous and hypocritical. They’re more than happy to take the money from college kids, hobos, trailer trash, winos, carnies, drunks, drifters, and me but they don’t want to be associated with us. Instead we get some bullshit “drink beer to have fun but not get drunk” doublespeak. When was the last time you even saw someone get “buzzed” or “tipsy” in a beer commercial? It makes me sick, and I for one applaud the fine folks at Anheuser-Busch for taking ownership of a product they fucking make. “This shit is 8% alcohol. Fuck you we’re Anheuser-Busch.”
Bullshit.
Fuck yeah!
It may not seem like the preceding paragraph has much to do with Father’s Day, but my dad taught me above all else to despise disingenuous hypocritical pieces of shit with no personal conviction. On that note I must confess that Natty Daddy is a lot better than I thought it would be. I still don’t think I’d recommend giving it to your dad for Father’s Day unless you think it would be in your dad’s wheelhouse. Of course if your dad is the kind of guy enjoys drinking cheap high gravity beer you probably don’t know who he is, which makes the whole Father’s Day thing kind of a moot point I guess. If you’re not a bastard I suggest showing your dad the Kate Upton “Cat Daddy” video. It kind of sounds like Natty Daddy and it’s pretty much the best thing in the history of the internet.
