I’ve been drinking pretty regularly since I was 17. I like to think I’ve learned a thing or two since then; for example I don’t drink Icehouse anymore. Recently I’ve noticed that the internet was full of something called “lifehacking,” which seems to be a really stupid name for what used to be called “helpful hints.” Never the one to pass up an internet trend , I present these helpful hints, for the conscientious beer drinker…
Keep a beer koozy in your pocket
If you’re anything like me you’re always ready to drink, but are you prepared? Keeping a beer koozy in your pocket ensures that no matter what situation you find yourself in, it will take slightly longer for your beer to get warm. This is a definite bonus if you’re the kind of guy that loudly explains the plot of Roadhouse to people who’ve already seen the movie, but don’t appreciate it on the same level you do. Plus it’s kind of cool to be the only guy in the bar, at the ballgame, or in the unemployment office parking lot who thought to bring a beer koozy. And it lets ladies know you’re the kind of guy that…keeps a beer koozy in his pocket. Also carry a condom, because you’re gonna need it, STUD!
Let alcohol be your anti-drug
Drugs are illegal, and anyway no one likes a hippie. Anytime you feel tempted or peer-pressured to smoke a “jazz cigarette” just reach for an ice cold LacrosseLager instead. Some have countered that marijuana unlike alcohol is not physically addictive; well neither is jacking off, but try going one day without peeling one off. Like masturbation, drinking is harmless fun, which is why you can find positive references to it in the texts of every major religion (every cool one that is.) As a side note: raves and jam band concerts are pretty much the worst things in the world. Anything that would make those activities “fun” is fucking wrong.
Get super drunk
For centuries men have been using alcohol to lower the inhibitions of the fairer sex. What I’m advocating is a total role reversal. Instead of feeding that college freshman shots in tandem, drink them yourself! I find that I am more confident and boisterous after I’ve “had a few.” Maybe you can parlay that into a little sumthin’ sumthin’ (I never did.) Even if you don’t get laid, at least you’ll be drunk and you probably won’t give a shit, or you’ll end up crying in your beer. Hilarious!
|I don't know if this guy is gonna get laid or not, but I can pretty much guarantee he doesn't care one way or the other|
Your cellphone is a tool
Waiting in line for the bathroom is for ladies, so if I have to take a piss I go outside. Unfortunately, pissing outside is socially unacceptable and can easily lead to a drunk and disorderly ticket. I get around these problems by pretending to make a call on my cell phone. Instead of focusing on the fact that you definitely didn’t wash your hands after you took a piss, people assume you were courteous enough to make your phone call outside. Also, if you learn to take your dick out and piss hands free, you can really sell the talking on a cell phone pantomime and most pedestrians and cops will be none the wiser.
|"Honestly officer, I was talking on my cellphone...wait a minute. Aren't you Christopher Guest?"|
“I never turn down a shot”
That simple phrase is your ticket to free drinks. If you let people know early and often that you “never turn down a shot” they will be much more inclined to buy them for you. Be warned: this tactic may not cost a lot of money, but you will definitely pay. Oftentimes, the free shots your so-called friends buy you will be disgusting (e.g. prairie fire, cement mixers, or malort) or embarrassing (e.g. blowjob shots.) Worse still they will often buy you these shots when you’re already on the verge of throwing up or at least on the verge of not knowing that you’ll look like a total poof if you take a whipped crème shot off the bar using only your lips.
Drink a beer in the shower
We can all agree that drinking beer in a hot tub is the bee’s knees. Unfortunately, I don’t own a hot tub and
most hot tubs available to the public have pretty specific
rules pertaining to the consumption of alcohol and wearing a fucking bathing
suit like it’s the 1890’s or something. So
I do the next best thing: shower beer. It’s
relaxing and refreshing. Even if you do
own a hot tub you probably don’t want to pee in it, which you’ll certainly want
to do after drinking three or four beers.
In the shower there are two types of people: people that pee in the shower
and people that lie about peeing in the shower.
You’re secret is safe with me!
|Or take a beer shower|