Thursday, June 9, 2011

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Colt 45 Malt Liquor

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away… Lando Calrissian was born on the planet Socorro (not to be confused with Skaro, home planet to the hated Daleks.)  Sometime in the early 1980’s Lando endorsed Colt 45 Malt Liquor.  Until recently that was about the extent of my knowledge about Colt 45, but recently (for reasons I’ve already gone into great detail about) I ended up in the ghetto and when I was there I decided that I had to try some of the sweet malt liquor endorsed by the first brother in the Star Wars Universe.   
Goddamn Daleks, trying to steal our Kylie Minogue
Pimp as fuck
When I was a kid I watched The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi a lot.  In Empire Lando seems like kind of a jerk at first.  He shamelessly flirts with Princess Leia right in front of Han Solo, and then he betrays Han to Boba Fett.  He later redeems himself by forsaking his property, Cloud City, and trying to snag Han from Boba Fett.  Failing that, he goes undercover (like Shaft) and jailbreaks Han from the clutches of the vile gangster Jabba the Hutt.  As for going after Princess Leia, I mean could you blame him?  A hot piece like that… Anyway Lando Calrissian is awesome.  He brought a little soul to Star Wars, and pulled off a cape like no white man ever could.  He also owned Lobot, his slave, and I’d like to go on record as saying a black guy owning white slaves is cool.  Needless to say it is very cool that Lando drinks Colt 45.

 Speaking of cool, Colt 45 is also the name of the “peacemaker;” the gun carried by Wyatt Earp George S. Patton, and the Man With No Name.  I don’t know much about guns, but from what I’ve seen in movies the Colt 45 was without a doubt the most accurate handgun in the history of firearms.  The Colt 45 started production in 1873 and continues to this day.  Colt 45 Malt Liquor is clearly named after one of the most popular handguns of all time, right?  Well if you’re sitting there nodding your head right now, you probably feel pretty stupid, because Colt 45 Malt Liquor has just made and idiot out of you and me.  According to the company, Colt 45 is named after Baltimore Colts running back #45 Jerry Hill and not the popular gun.  Huh?  Apparently they didn’t want to get sued by the firearm manufacturer for copyright infringement.  I guess it’d be kind of like if I owned the Mickey Mouse Dildo Company, and when Disney tried to sue me I just said, “I meant the other Mickey Mouse.”   
Eye-ah-eee-eye! Wah! Wah! Wah!

Well Colt 45 might be confusingly named but it tastes pretty good.  Definitely a beer flavored malt liquor.  It tastes better than most malt liquors.  Hell, it tastes better than most cheap beers.  It tastes kind of like a German beer, and wasn’t bad when my tallboy got warm.  The aftertaste was a little bitter, with just a slight hint of cheapness.  Maybe it’s not for the foie gras crowd at beeradvocate, but I thought it was pretty tasty.  It’s kind of a challenge finishing some of the beers I review on this website, but I had no problem drinking Colt 45 and I’d drink it again.  I’d still rank Mickey’s and Schlitz Malt Liquor above Colt 45, but as Lando would say, “You (Colt 45) look absolutely beautiful.  You (Colt 45) truly you belong here with us, among the clouds.” 
This is from an ad from the official Colt 45 board game.  In case you're wondering this is a real product

There are two kinds of people in this world those with loaded guns, and those who dig.  Personally I dig Colt 45 Malt Liquor and so does Lando Calrissian.  I don’t by their bullshit story about their name, but it did remind me how awesome the Baltimore Colts were and how much I hate the Indianapolis Colts.  If you’re ever in the kind of liquor store that sells Colt 45 I’d say check it out, and pour a little out for Lando Calrissian.

Spellcheck doesn’t know the names of the major characters in the Star Wars cannon?  What kind of nerds work at Microsoft?

When criticized for appearing in a malt liquor commercial Lando responded by saying, “I drink, you drink. Hell, if marijuana was legal, I'd appear in a commercial for that too."  Fucking eh. 

Until I was like 13 I thought that Lando Calrissian and Apollo Creed were the same person.  It's not racist, because all cool people look the same to me.  


  1. I think my favorite moment in Empire Strikes Back is when Lando asks "Can I offer you a drink?" and pauses just long enough for me to add "Maybe a...Colt 45?"

  2. Drinking Tall Boys Schlitz