Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Olde English 800 Video

Here's the new video version, the text version can be found here.

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Camo Black Extra

What a babe, too bad we can't see her because of all the camouflage.

 The most common question I get asked when I tell people about my blog is “what’s the worst beer you’ve ever had?”  As the internet’s premier bottomshelf beer reviewer it’s my duty to provide a satisfactory answer.  Keystone Light?  Don’t make me laugh.  Icehouse?  I know girls that drink Icehouse.  Steel Reserve?  I’ve had worse.  When I discovered Camo Black Extra, weighing in at an appalling 12.2%ABV, I was filled with a mixture of satisfaction and dread.  Camo Black Extra provides a means to achieve my purpose, but at what cost?  Well, most likely at the cost of me drinking it.  Ughh.  Maybe it’s a diamond in the rough?

My quest to find the world's shittiest beer: definitely, one of the pitfalls of this blog.

Forget what I said about Lime-A-Rita having the stupidest name, Camo Black Extra takes the cake.  I have no idea what it means or what they are even trying to invoke.  I guess it sounds kind of like one of those condoms they sell in bathroom vending machines, the kind with vibrating beads or flavor crystals.  All of the exxxxxtra X’s on the can don’t exactly dissuade this notion either.  It's a really obtuse name.  In fact, if you offered me a Camo Black Extra I would assume you were trying to pull some sort of PEN15/”hurts donut” schoolyard prank, and I’d tap you in the beanbag before you could flick drops of pee in my eye or sketch a throbbing dong on my forehead.  I certainly wouldn’t think you were talking about a beer.

"Camo Black Exxxtra, Sensual Pharaoh, or the the torn label with a picture of a gorilla on it?" 

Quality Stuff

The can promises that Camo Black Extra is 12.2%ABV, making the 24oz can roughly equivalent to an entire 6 pack of Keystone Light.  Since I hate going to the bathroom every ten fucking seconds this would seem to solve a lot of my beer related problems; however I’ve learned through experience to be wary of beers that advertise their alcohol content as a major selling point.  Most 8% beers are vomit inducingly gross, and 12.2% is starting to movie beyond “high gravity” into the low end of the cheap booze/fortified wine range.  If you think Camo Black Extra is starting to sound like something you’d expect to see pouring down the rotten mouth of a skid row wino you’re going to feel pretty fucking stupid in a couple of seconds, because Camo Black Extra is an “Ultra Premium high gravity lager beer” made from “imported hops & extra malted barley for an extra smooth taste.”  One can’t help but wonder how they manage to use “the highest quality extra malted barley” and charge less than $2 a can.  Selling at a loss to break into the market?  Or perhaps it was just “Customer Appreciation Day” at that dodgy liquor store in the bad part of town?  Who can say?

It has no smell, which-

I was going to finish that sentence, “I take as a good sign,” but then I took a sip.  My initial reaction was similar to the time I accidentally drank curdled milk.  My body shuddered angrily, like my digestive system was not only self-aware, but also actively hated me.  It got a little better after the first few sips, in the sense that it stopped triggering my gag reflex.  That doesn’t mean it tasted any better.  Before tasting Camo Black Extra I had actually made a gentleman’s bet with myself to finish the whole can no matter how bad it tasted.  I lost, which is to say I won.  It was like the end of War Games, the only way to win was not to play; however unlike the end of Wargames I lost the bet and had to give myself a blowjob.     

They also could've played bloody knuckles, as anyone that's ever gotten drunk in a redneck bar has learned to their displeasure.

Camo Black Extra is without the slightest doubt in my mind the worst beer I’ve ever drank.  It’s really sugary but at the same time super sour kind of like an Atomic Warhead candy.  It’s got hints of rotten apple flavor, with acrid chemical notes, and boy howdy can you taste the alcohol.  I’ve never needed a chaser for a beer before.  Hell, I drink whiskey right out of the bottle.  It tastes exactly like someone poured Thunderbird and Skol into Gameday Ice.  Shit’s gross.   If the taste is gross the aftertaste is somehow much worse.  The aftertaste is akin to getting sprayed in the mouth with Windex, putting a handful of pennies under your tongue, or watching The Doom Generation: the initial experience is only matched be the terribleness of how you feel afterwards.

You see Rose McGowan's tits in the Doom Generation, but that momentary pleasure is ruined when a dude eats his own fucking cum three seconds later.  Oh, and then the rest of the movie happens...Ick.

Camo Black Extra may not be rock bottom, but if the base of the bottomshelf beer rabbit hole is much deeper than this I’m not sure I want to find it.  The important thing for you, the reader, to take from all of this is that Camo Black Extra is really fucking bad.  I’ve heard what panhandlers make, and honestly there’s no reason to drink this stuff unless you’re me and you need to find absolute zero on the bottomshelf beer scale.  Of course if you’re me, then I’m you and I’m at your house having sex with your wife!

Your wife (I hope!!!)

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: St. Ides High Gravity Malt Liquor

“Beware the Ides of March” is about as sound advice as I’ve ever heard, but it’s that bullshit kind of advice that no one in mythology or Shakespearean plays ever heeds.  Should one also “beware the St. Ides of High Gravity Malt Liquor?”  That’s the question I’m going to attempt to answer, but based on conversations I’ve had with people that read my previous beer reviews (e.g. Big Flats 1901) the advice will go unheeded.   In fact it seems like the more I rip on a beer, the more people “just have to try it” for themselves.  Look, these reviews aren’t gospel or anything, but I drink a lot of this stuff so you don’t have to.  Do yourself a favor.

Heavy metal and Catholicism together at last

Speaking of gospel, I’m a practicing Catholic and I don’t remember very much about St. Ides.  I did a little research and I was literally shocked to discover that St. Ides was a real Saint from around 570 AD and not just made up by some ad execs.  St. Ides is credited with several miracles including the gift of prophecy and her feast day is the 15^th of January.  The Ides of January!  Actually the Ides of January falls on the 13^th, but still I think the prophecy angle and “Ides of January” thing ties in pretty well with the themes I established before I even looked at wikipedia.  What I still can’t figure out is what St. Ides has to do with High Gravity Malt Liquor or the big angry Rottweiler on the can.

Notice the infinity

The dog looks pretty angry.  Mad even.  I wonder if Pabst Brewery was trying to cash in on the Mad Dog 20/20 craze.  I don’t know if it’s a craze exactly, but when I went to a gas station in East St. Louis they had every flavor of Mad Dog a man could want (except for BLT flavor goddamnit!)  The Rottweiler has a can of St. Ides in his mouth, which unfortunately features the old St. Ides’ artwork.  I think it would have been pretty cool if the can in the dog’s mouth had a picture of a dog with a can in his mouth that had a picture of a dog with a can in his mouth and so on and so on to infinity.  The can also says “Hold It Down!” in big red letters with an exclamation point, which has to be one of the stupider catchphrases ascribed to a malt liquor, and that’s saying something.

Ice Cube would never sell out!

If you go to the St. Ides official webpage you won’t find a damn thing.  Either massive internet traffic overloaded the servers, or Pabst didn’t feel like spending the $20 a year in hosting fees.  Although, they have spent money promoting St. Ides in the past.  Over the years St. Ides has been endorsed by a number of famous rappers, including Ice Cube, 2Pac, Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Nate Dogg, the Wu-Tang Clan, the Notorious B.I.G., Eric B & Rakim, Cypress Hill, Method Man, Redman, and many more.   If they could get Ice Cube to give up Olde English for St. Ides this stuff must be really good, or maybe they just paid him a lot of money. 

In the movie Troy Rose Byrne played Briseis, cousin of Paris and Hector.  The next reference ties in with the classic Greek epic and not that terrible movie.

Beware of rappers bearing strange gifts.  St. Ides has kind of gross fruity smell.  One whiff and I immediately regretted buying a whole 4-pack of tall boys.  It tasted similar to Coqui 900 with a stronger fruit flavor, and a slighltly weaker greasy fried chicken aftertaste.  It tasted kind of gross even cold, but as it warmed up it got to be gag inducing.  Overall I think it tasted slightly better than Coqui 900, it certainly sat better.  I didn’t feel like I was going to puke when I got done.  It might not be that much better than Coqui, but at 8.2% ABV you don’t have to drink as much to get drunk.  It’s certainly head and shoulders above Steel Reserve and if I was a homeless wino St. Ides would definitely be my “high gravity” malt liquor of choice; however as a landowner I will never touch this shit again and I’m not looking forward to finishing what I have.

Now you know what happens when you google "sexy hobo"

As Nostradamus said, “the great one will cause it to be dragged in iron cage, when the German child will observe nothing.”  This is clearly a warning that Obama is the anti-Christ* and that you should also avoid the St. Ides of High Gravity Malt Liquor.  You probably won’t get stabbed by a bunch of dudes in togas, but after drinking St. Ides you might wish that you did.  Heed the words of the soothsayer (me) or you might get a really bad headache.

This image might not give you a headache but it's certainly kind of unsettling

*I’d like to welcome all the members of the John Birch Society that stumbled on my blog googling “Obama anti-Christ.”  Rest assured I hate commies too, and witches.  

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Coqui 900

This picture showed up in the google image search for "Coqui 900" not sure how it's related.  Oh well.  Hubba Hubba!

A few weeks ago I ended up in a liquor store in the ghetto.  For reasons I will enumerate in short order I did not wish to drive to the ghetto again anytime soon, and since I was already there I decided to stock up on malt liquors they don’t sell in white neighborhoods.  The most curiously named beverage I found was a 40oz bottle labeled Coqui 900.  Clearly we weren’t in suburbia anymore.

What an odd looking bottle of beer

 I ended up in the ghetto after the Chicago Bulls had clinched a playoff berth.  In tribute I decided to drink some Schlitz Malt Liquor (see previous post.)  This proved more challenging than I originally assumed.  I went to the seediest looking liquor stores in my area, the ones that smell funny with cult member looking dudes behind the register, and l came up empty.  I live by a few trailer parks and some shitty apartments, but not shitty enough apparently.  I had to drive a half hour to find what I was looking for.

Walking into the liquor store I felt a little uneasy.  I kind of stood out.  I was probably the only person in the store without a Scarface tattoo, and aside from my White Sox hat I don’t look very gangster.  Fortunately, everyone inside was very friendly and polite.  Super polite, a lot nicer than that cult leader guy by my house.  I bought a wide selection of malt liquors and started walking back to my car.  When I got to the parking lot I noticed a guy selling crack right behind my car.  I wondered for a second if I should I ask him to move so I can pull out.  Then I remembered the time a crackhead threatened to “fucking kill” me over $5, and decided to wait and let him move of his own accord.     

This dick owns the liquor store by my house, he wants to throw me an "Egyptian Feast," whatever that means

Right around the moment I noticed the crack dealer my wife called me on the phone.  This wouldn’t have been a big deal, but my ringtone is Supertramp’s “Goodbye Stranger.”  Not exactly the most masculine song in the world.  I’m not exactly looking to intimidate someone with my ringtone, but a bunch of dudes singing in falsetto just kind of screams, “Beat the shit out of me.”  True to form, my wife wanted to have a long conversation.  I got off the phone as quickly as I could, got in my car and got the hell out of there.  I wanted to take a picture of the place on my way out, but I didn’t think the drug dealer would take too kindly to having his picture taken.

Gangsta Gangsta

My favorite Puerto Rican: Rosario Dawson

As for the spoils of my journey, Coqui 900 was pretty good cold; nothing exceptional about the flavor, good or bad.  As it got warmer the cheapness and aftertaste got more pronounced.  It has kind of a fried chicken aftertaste; not in the sense that it tastes like chicken.  The aftertaste is more akin to the same aftertaste you get after you eat a bucket of chicken, without the joy that comes from eating copious amounts of chicken.  Not surprisingly it didn’t sit that well and I felt kind of sick when I got to the bottom of the bottle.  It’s far from the worst malt liquor (ahem, Steel Reserve) but it’s certainly not very good.  I speak fluent French and it’s worth noting that Coqui is a French term for several species of small frogs indigenous to Puerto Rico.  Coqui 900 is an apt name because it tastes like 900 tiny frogs just had anal sex in your beer.  It is also worth noting that if you start shouting in German French people will do whatever you say.

I told you about my adventure, and Coqui 900 is serviceable but not very good.  I think that about wraps it up.  Oh shit, I almost forgot, Coqui 900 also comes in a 45oz bottle!  I think I speak for everyone when I say, “Holy shit!”   That’s 5oz bigger than your standard 40!  What will they think of next?  Coqui might not be that good, but if you can find a 45oz bottle I guarantee that it will be 5oz better than every other malt liquor you come across, and that’s saying something.  I’m not sure what, but it's something.  On the other hand, if I was saying, “Essen Sie deinen Schwanze!” I'm sure every Frenchman within earshot would eat his own penis.   On that note I’m going to bed.  

And we'll close on a little more Rosario Dawson and her hot jugs

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Steel Reserve

What is “the Riddle of Steel?”  According to the documentary Conan the Barbarian, if you don’t know the answer Crom will cast you out of Valhalla and laugh at you.  Sucks to be you.  To discover the Riddle of Steel we will be drinking one of the worst beers imaginable: Steel Reserve.

 My most vivid memory of drinking Steel Reserve in the past was at the apartment of Ramiro Castro Jr.  I remember being anxious to try some after hearing about the high alcohol content, so I stopped and bought some at the 7-11 on the way to hang out with the bros Castro and Brian Skaj.  I don’t remember all the details of the night but I remember that we played risk till 4 AM and the night ended with me vomiting all the Steel Reserve I drank into the toilet whilst Ramiro stood by the open door laughing his fucking ass off.  In fairness to Ramiro, it was pretty funny.  Painful, but funny nonetheless; kind of like getting kicked in the crotch.  Anyway, I returned the favor a couple of years later after he had a few too many pitchers of Olde Style.

Welcom to Loserville. Population: You

Steel Reserve unlike most beers or other malt liquors is a whopping 8.1% alcohol.  For comparison’s sake Miller Lite is 4.2% and Olde English is 5.9%.  It’s cheap as hell too, costing only $1.19 a tall boy.  Steel Reserve is also available in a six-pack or 40oz bottle.  I chose to go with the tall boy, because it was cheaper than the other two, and it meant I had to drink less Steel Reserve.  I went into this review with mixed emotions, on one hand I would have to drink Steel Reserve; on the other hand, after this review is posted, I will never have to drink Steel Reserve again for the rest of my life. 

To lighten the mood, here's Cassie Steele's tits.

Big Ben drunk; about to rape these girls

 The can says that Steel Reserve is made by the Steel Brewing Company, but I did a little research and it’s really just made by Miller.  I guess they were afraid that marketing a “high gravity malt lager” towards homeless people and base degenerates would sully the Miller name.  If they are really concerned with their image they should pull that commercial with the fat dude in a speedo  The can also has a giant 211 on it, which they claim is a “medieval symbol for steel,” but I’ve never seen it used that way anywhere else (and I went to college.)  It’s more likely a reference to the police code for robbery, which gives you an idea of what kind of scum this shit is marketed towards.  The perfect Steel Reserve pitchman would be Ben Roethlisberger.  He’s a STEELer, a serial rapist, and he lives in a boxcar.  

I know nothing about this chick, but I guarantee she'd be down for anything.

I guarantee this tastes better than SR

As for the flavor, Steel Reserve is an apt name because it tastes like metal. Although, personally I think it tastes more like copper than steel.  The metallic taste is a clear indication that they made this shit on the cheap.  Cheaper beers, (anything you’ll read about on this blog) use things like corn, rice and sugar to save money in the brewing process.  It’s true that you can make corn into delicious Kentucky Bourbon, but that only after you filter it, distill it and let it age in an oak barrel.   Corn, fermented on its own tastes like shit and it’s full of poison, not coincidentally Steel Reserve tastes like shit with poison in it.  It tastes really bad cold, and as my tallboy warmed up it became gag inducing.   

I remember reading that during the prohibition era they would brew non-alcoholic beer legally, and then after they sold it to a bar, the owners would typically inject it with moonshine.  Steel Reserve tastes like someone did that.  It’s disgusting. It’s not Gameday bad, but nothing is.  In fact, before I had Gameday Ice I always thought Steel Reserve was the worst beer of all time.  Now I know better, but Steel Reserve sucks.  I don’t recommend it for anyone, except Ben Roethlisberger, because fuck that guy.

"Let it sit in the sewers for awhile.  Then the Steel Reserve will be ready."

 But what is the Riddle of Steel?  According to Thulsa Doom, “steel isn’t strong…flesh is stronger…That is power: the strength and power of flesh. What is steel compared to the hand that wields it?”  But, Thulsa Doom is not to be trusted, and he is wrong.  Sometimes you’re stronger than Steel Reserve, and sometimes you end up tossing your dinner into the toilet while your asshole friend laughs at you.  Contemplate this on the tree of woe.

Conan rules

Would you like to know more?

Check out their website.  Considering Steel Reserve’s base demographic of glue sniffers and dudes that live in refrigerator boxes, it’s surprising that Steel Reserve has a website.  It should be noted, that the website looks like my geocites page I made in high school, and has literally the same amount of information as the can.  There’s not even a crappy flash game.

Would you like to know more?

Did you know that the greatest band of all time (The Ramones) recorded a couple of jingles for Steel Reserve?  

Greatest band ever.

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Olde English 800

If you don't feel like reading all this, you can check out the video version here.

I don’t know if you were aware, but it’s black history month.  In grammar school this was generally the time of year when I got to hear about George Washington Carver (he invented peanuts.)  I don’t know much about black history.  My knowledge of black culture pretty much begins and ends with old school rap, and back in the 90’s they rapped about malt liquor about as much as they rapped about getting hassled by The Man.  So I thought I’d celebrate black history month with a couple 40’s of Olde English 800.   

I see the liberal warning lights going off in your head.  “Isn’t saying black people like malt liquor a stereotype?”  I guess it would be if I said, “ALL black people liked malt liquor,” but I didn’t, so I guess that makes you the bigot.  You racist piece of shit.  Eazy-E liked Olde English 800 or “8-Ball” enough to write a song about it.   I think it’s safe to say that I’m not an expert on being black.  I’m a square white dude from the suburbs, and I wouldn’t even consider myself an expert on that.  Eazy-E might not be an expert either, but he was definitely black and he definitely liked Olde English (and pussy.)

“Police on my drawers and I have to pause.  40 ounce in my lap and it’s freezing my balls”

Eazy-E and the rest of N.W.A. might not speak for all black people, but I would argue that rap music from the early 90’s has done more to improve race relations in the last 20 year or so than anything else. The fact that a square like me includes “Straight Outta Compton” on his desert island top five list speaks for itself.  I grew up in the 90’s in what was, at the time, a lily-white suburb, and gangsta rap changed the way people dressed, talked and acted.  Rap probably made being black look cooler than anything since Dolemite.

"That rat-soup-eatin', insecure honky motherfucker!"

Now that I’ve spent three paragraphs explaining why it’s not racist to review Olde English as part of black history month I should probably get down to the meat and potatoes of the article, right?  I bought two 40’s for 2.59 each in Chicago.  For those of you that live somewhere else in the country you should know that in Chicago everything, from cigarettes to parking spaces, costs A LOT more than it does in the suburbs.  2.59 a pop is a pretty good price, especially when you take Chi-flation into account.  It’s marginally cheaper than your average six-pack, with higher alcohol content (5.9%.)  A good deal if I ever saw one.

It tastes pretty good.  Without a doubt it’s better than Gameday and Big Flats.  Not necessarily a big accomplishment, but certainly worth mentioning for comparison’s sake.  It goes down smooth with a sweet aftertaste.  You do get a slight hint of that cheap malt liquor aftertaste that lets you know they cut corners somewhere, but it’s mostly covered up by the sweetness.  Those snobby assholes on beeradvocate hate this stuff, and I’m going to just go ahead and call them racist.  To be fair, the title is a little misleading.  Olde and English are two of the top criteria for beer snobs.  They love beers with names like, “King Arthur’s Penis” and “Dumbledore’s Hat.”  Olde English 800 sounds like something right out of Canterbury Tales or The Silmarillion; two books that are know favorites amongst racist beer reviewers, along with the Turner Diaries. 

Typical beeradvocate user

Back to the beer: Eazy-E might not drink brass monkey, but I thought I should give it a whirl.  Afterall, the Beastie Boys wrote a song about it, how bad could it be?  Brass monkey, for those of you that aren’t street, is a cocktail made from Olde English and Sunny Delight.  Traditionally, you drink your 40 down to the top of the red label and fill it back to the top with Sunny D.  Then you roll it on the ground to get it good and mixed.  I tried it out and honestly, it tastes pretty damn good.  The sweet aftertaste is amplified, and the cheap taste is almost completely gone.  I don’t really go for fruit beer, but I liked brass monkey more than most (Cherry Wheat is fucking disgusting.)  It tastes sweet and citrusy, but it still tastes kind of like beer.  If that sounds like your think check it out, or if you’re trying to get your younger sister’s friends drunk, brass monkey could be a cheap alternative to a case of Mike’s Hard.

"Hey...ugh, you chicks wanna play spin the bottle?"

Olde English isn’t for everybody, but if you’re trying to get shitfaced on the cheap you could do a lot whole lot worse.  It tastes pretty good, and everyone from the Beastie Boys to Ice Cube likes it, so why don’t you?  Just remember to pour a little out for Easy-E.

Mel B is: olde (35,) English, and black.  This makes her perfect for this article

*UPDATE 2-27-13 VIDEO ADDED*

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Mickey's

"None for me, thanks!"

Ahhh Mickey’s.  Thought I’d kick this section off right with “fine malt liquor” (their words not mine, but they might as well be.)  Some of you crackers might scoff and look down your nose at this fine beverage, but when you get done hanging out with Rich Uncle Pennybags* you might want to treat yourself with this delicious malt beverage.

Mickey’s has a bee on every bottle, but don’t worry Mickey’s is NOT bee flavored.  It actually has a fizzy sweet flavor.  It smells like honey, which would explain the bee I guess.  It doesn’t have the usual poo aftertaste you get with most malt liquors, and it doesn’t feel like you’re drinking a headache in a bottle.  As I sip the Mickey’s I think of getting pleasantly drunk not taking a nasty shit tomorrow, which is more than I can say about a lot of the beers I intend to review.  My wife went so far as to call Mickey’s “surprisingly good.”  She usually won’t even drink domestic beer, so that should give you some idea of how good it actually is.

A Mickey's Grenade

Mickey’s is sold in cans of every size, or more commonly in a 40 oz. bottle or six pack of twelve oz. “grenade” bottles.  For this column I got myself a six pack of “grenades,” which I tend to prefer.  It is however socially acceptable to drink Mickey’s out of an ice-cold-fotie.  It may cost 80 cents more than a King Cobra and a $1.20 more than Steel Reserve but a 40 of Mickey’s is easily $3 better than those other malt liquors, and it’s Union made.  Put that in your pipes and smoke it you rich assholes.

Best CGA graphics ever

Mickey’s seems to have some sort of Irish motif, which I don’t really get.  I guess the bottle is green, but how often do you see Irish guys drinking malt liq-  Wait a minute.  I’m Irish and I like Mickey’s, but why?  It isn’t just the taste, $3 better though it may be; Mickey’s has a lot of the intangibles. Under the cap for instance they have rebus puzzles like on  Classic Concentration.  These puzzles get harder the more Mickey’s you drink, which is just part of the fun.

Mickey’s also has a wide mouth, which I like for drinking quickly and I think it goes down better.  The wide mouth also makes it a lot easier to pee in when you’re done.  The Mickey’s official website seems to acknowledge this “We bet you’re the kind of guy that cruises the internet with one-handed…a mouse in one hand and a Mickey’s grenade in the other.”  How did they know I hate getting up from the computer to pee?  How did they know I like throwing baseball-sized bottles of urine and watching them explode?

Super-Patriot Danny gets ready to grenade some jerks

 It can't be too much of a coincidence, after all everyone’s peed in a Mickey’s bottle at one time or another and whipped it at some frat guys from a moving vehicle.  The disturbing thing is that Mickey’s seems to market themselves directly to me.  Their website has a picture of a sexy lady in a bikini and asks, “shouldn’t you be surfing the waves instead of the web?”  I have never surfed in my life, but I’ve seen Point Break a lot and I think I think I want to surf.  How did Mickey’s know what I think I want to do?

Grenaded Nazi.  Notice: you can't see the actual authentic SS helmet

 I guess that’s not important.  What is important is that Mickey’s tastes awesome is packaged awesome, and it's certainly cheap enough for your dumb ass.  Do yourself a favor and go out and try some.