Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Olde English 800

If you don't feel like reading all this, you can check out the video version here.

I don’t know if you were aware, but it’s black history month.  In grammar school this was generally the time of year when I got to hear about George Washington Carver (he invented peanuts.)  I don’t know much about black history.  My knowledge of black culture pretty much begins and ends with old school rap, and back in the 90’s they rapped about malt liquor about as much as they rapped about getting hassled by The Man.  So I thought I’d celebrate black history month with a couple 40’s of Olde English 800.   

I see the liberal warning lights going off in your head.  “Isn’t saying black people like malt liquor a stereotype?”  I guess it would be if I said, “ALL black people liked malt liquor,” but I didn’t, so I guess that makes you the bigot.  You racist piece of shit.  Eazy-E liked Olde English 800 or “8-Ball” enough to write a song about it.   I think it’s safe to say that I’m not an expert on being black.  I’m a square white dude from the suburbs, and I wouldn’t even consider myself an expert on that.  Eazy-E might not be an expert either, but he was definitely black and he definitely liked Olde English (and pussy.)

“Police on my drawers and I have to pause.  40 ounce in my lap and it’s freezing my balls”

Eazy-E and the rest of N.W.A. might not speak for all black people, but I would argue that rap music from the early 90’s has done more to improve race relations in the last 20 year or so than anything else. The fact that a square like me includes “Straight Outta Compton” on his desert island top five list speaks for itself.  I grew up in the 90’s in what was, at the time, a lily-white suburb, and gangsta rap changed the way people dressed, talked and acted.  Rap probably made being black look cooler than anything since Dolemite.

"That rat-soup-eatin', insecure honky motherfucker!"

Now that I’ve spent three paragraphs explaining why it’s not racist to review Olde English as part of black history month I should probably get down to the meat and potatoes of the article, right?  I bought two 40’s for 2.59 each in Chicago.  For those of you that live somewhere else in the country you should know that in Chicago everything, from cigarettes to parking spaces, costs A LOT more than it does in the suburbs.  2.59 a pop is a pretty good price, especially when you take Chi-flation into account.  It’s marginally cheaper than your average six-pack, with higher alcohol content (5.9%.)  A good deal if I ever saw one.

It tastes pretty good.  Without a doubt it’s better than Gameday and Big Flats.  Not necessarily a big accomplishment, but certainly worth mentioning for comparison’s sake.  It goes down smooth with a sweet aftertaste.  You do get a slight hint of that cheap malt liquor aftertaste that lets you know they cut corners somewhere, but it’s mostly covered up by the sweetness.  Those snobby assholes on beeradvocate hate this stuff, and I’m going to just go ahead and call them racist.  To be fair, the title is a little misleading.  Olde and English are two of the top criteria for beer snobs.  They love beers with names like, “King Arthur’s Penis” and “Dumbledore’s Hat.”  Olde English 800 sounds like something right out of Canterbury Tales or The Silmarillion; two books that are know favorites amongst racist beer reviewers, along with the Turner Diaries. 

Typical beeradvocate user

Back to the beer: Eazy-E might not drink brass monkey, but I thought I should give it a whirl.  Afterall, the Beastie Boys wrote a song about it, how bad could it be?  Brass monkey, for those of you that aren’t street, is a cocktail made from Olde English and Sunny Delight.  Traditionally, you drink your 40 down to the top of the red label and fill it back to the top with Sunny D.  Then you roll it on the ground to get it good and mixed.  I tried it out and honestly, it tastes pretty damn good.  The sweet aftertaste is amplified, and the cheap taste is almost completely gone.  I don’t really go for fruit beer, but I liked brass monkey more than most (Cherry Wheat is fucking disgusting.)  It tastes sweet and citrusy, but it still tastes kind of like beer.  If that sounds like your think check it out, or if you’re trying to get your younger sister’s friends drunk, brass monkey could be a cheap alternative to a case of Mike’s Hard.

"Hey...ugh, you chicks wanna play spin the bottle?"

Olde English isn’t for everybody, but if you’re trying to get shitfaced on the cheap you could do a lot whole lot worse.  It tastes pretty good, and everyone from the Beastie Boys to Ice Cube likes it, so why don’t you?  Just remember to pour a little out for Easy-E.

Mel B is: olde (35,) English, and black.  This makes her perfect for this article

*UPDATE 2-27-13 VIDEO ADDED*